Monday, June 20, 2011

Melancholy Baby

I woke up to snow this morning, the day before the first day of summer, and I’m not smiling. I’m down in the dumps and just don’t want to do anything. It’s not because of the weather, I think it’s beautiful. I think it’s because I had 2.5 glasses of red wine last night. I’m not hungover in the least. I just am not happy. And that pisses me off. I can honestly say for the first two weeks of this month, I woke up with an eager smile in my heart but in the last week, when I successfully moderated 3 times, my eagerness has dulled. Is it fair to blame it on the alcohol? Is it all in my head? I really don’t know. I know that even if I abs permanently, I’m still going to have bad days but right now I think I need to take alcohol out of the equation to see if it is the cause of my present lingering melancholy.

Before I viewed the 30 days abs prescribed by moderation management as a time to take a breather from drinking. A time to clear my head and actually think about something besides drinking all the time. Now I also see it as a time to experience a different life. I see it as a valuable experience that I can look back on and compare to whatever life have chosen. Today that comparison is definitely in favor of a permanent abs. I think in the last week I’ve discovered that even if I moderate successfully, I didn’t go over the limit and I didn’t drink two days in a row, there is still a lingering hint of depression the next day. For me, that more than I want. On the mmlist the other day someone used the term “a delicious melancholy”. I’m not finding anything delicious about the way I feel. Now that I have tasted an enriched way of life, I don’t care for the bland flavor of days like today at all. So I’m back to abs’ing.

So today I out there doing my best to dig my smile out of a snowdrift and figure out a way to add a little spice to my day.

P.S. The picture is the view from my deck this morning, the day before the first day of summer.

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