You've probably noticed that I was back at the starting line of another abs stretch. I didn't blow it last night but I did have 1.5 glasses of wine. I was getting ready to prepare a new recipe and it promised to be fantastic. But I was tense and snappish and I decided a glass of wine would smooth me out. It didn't. So I decided to pour another one. I got halfway through that one and I knew that two glasses wasn't going to be enough. I was afraid that I'd hit that WTF mode, plus my disappointment in myself for having that glass of wine was making me even crankier so I threw it out and started trying to figure out why I was so stressed that I felt I needed a drink. I think I figgered it out.
When my grandson came to visit a couple of weeks ago he wanted to squeeze every possible activity into that first day. Likewise, since I have been sober I have been trying to squeeze every second out of every day. Trying to catch up. Trying to make up for all that time lost to drunkenness and hangovers. I've been trying to live a regimented schedule. Up by 5: 30 am, squeeze in a walk, way too much time wasted on the computer, 1 hour to do this blog, 3 hours for other writing, 1 hour of housework, 1 hour of garden work, 2 hours to prepare these gourmet meals I've been fixing since I'm not drinking and have an appetite. …It doesn't sound like much but I've been used to a pretty sedate lifestyle. Oh, I forgot to mention exercising—50 crunches every time I go to the bathroom which reminds me I also need to cut down on my Diet Pepsi intake but then I won't have 6 pack abs by the time I get back to MX and my swimming suits.
Something has to give. I'm thinking it will be the housework. LOL But really I need to try and relax. I can't get that lost time back. I need to take a breath and enjoy the moments I have today and not rush through them. I will have tomorrow.
So today I'm out there doing my best to stop and smell the wildflowers and ignore those dirty windows.
P.S. The copycat recipe of Pappadeaux's Fish Alexander delivered on its promise and was delicious.
Somebody with some smarts on the topic needs to write about self sabotage. Your blog is as good of a place as any. This shit is nuts. We ALL do this. We proclaim to be at an incredibly strong point and then deliberately, publicly take ourselves down. I know why. I just want someone else to write about it in a public forum. Will you? Have you?
ReplyDeleteActually, I don't think I ever did write about self-sabotage. I never had that clear of an idea of why I was doing what I did. If understanding it, fixed it, well, there'd be a lot of fixed people out there.
DeleteHow does one make up for 30 years at age 50? How did you not blow it? You either drank or you did not drink. Shades of grey are what allow us to accept failure. I'm still struggling - you've won. Cheers Chica!
ReplyDeleteYou can't make up for it, all you can do is make your remaining years ones you don't have to make up for. 7 years later and I still don't have all the answers, but I know my life is better without alcohol, and I have worked to build a life I don't want to put at risk by drinking again, that's what keeps me from going back.
DeleteThanks, Kary May. Your words are important.
Delete