Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Quarters and Pennies



Happy Last Month of Summer! That's a depressing thought which kind of fits my mood this morning. Summer always goes so fast. I'm not really depressed this morning, more kind of melancholy, reading fb posts does that to me sometimes. All those posts of parties and large groups of friends make me feel deficient. Not that I don't have friends, I do. Really amazing ones, I just don't have hundreds or even dozens of them. Even when I was drinking, although I was surrounded with dozens of people on an almost daily basis, being the party ringleader that I was, I could always count the number of people I considered as close friends on one hand. But somehow all those people around me made me feel better about myself, from the outside it looked like I was loved, I must be really worthy if I had all those people hanging around me. Now. the fact that I am no longer in the midst of all that humanity, makes me question if I'm all that likeable. Ironically, I like myself a lot better now than I like me back then.

Speaking of fb, I posted a meme on my Kary May Hickey facebook page that says, "As I get older, I'm becoming more selective of who I consider a friend, I would rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies."

So today, I'm trying to remember to be grateful for the $1.50 worth of quarters I always have in my back pocket instead of regretting the bottle of pennies I left sitting on the shelf.

How The Heck Are You?

Thursday, July 27, 2017

How The Heck Are You 7/27/17: Woo-woo, woo-woo. Woo-woo, woo-woo. (Hum The Twilight Zone Theme)



Gosh, you know what? I really don't have much to report on today. I've had a long stretch of laziness this summer-except for when the granddaughter's been here. I need some motivation. I need to just do what I need to do. I need to get off my a$$ and go for a long walk, eat something that resembles a vegetable, do something with my hair!

Just one of those days when the self-improvement to do list seems endless. I am drowning in being gloriously human.

On another topic, I've been reading books about psychics, near death experiences,  and reincarnation this summer. Currently reading, "Many Lives, Many Masters," and according to what this "prominent psychiatrist" has discovered from the past life regressions of one of his patients, we carry our vices on to our next life if we don't conquer them here. Like one lifetime of battling booze ain't enough.

Really interesting stuff, if you believe in that kind of thing, and I kinda think I do. Oh and I really liked, The Light Between Us: Stories from Heaven. Lessons For The Living."

What are you reading this summer? And...

How The Heck Are You?

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Hot Stuff!



I knew I liked this guy for a reason-and not just because he's hotter than Papa Bear's porridge. I just want to squirt some honey on him and slurp him right up.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Echo




“I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of the hunger for life that gnaws in us all.” 
― Richard WrightBlack Boy


Those of us who have quit drinking are often asked what it took to finally break those chains. I don't know about the rest of you but I struggle with the answer because I can't really explain why that day, almost six years ago was the day. It just was and I'm so glad.

I've seen others try to explain it through the years, but this morning I read an especially beautiful description and plea called out from the mountain top over at Finding A Sober Miracle. I  so loved her comment that if you could look into the future and see your life and who you will be when you are sober, you'd quit right now.

I think it's so worthy of being shouted from every mountain top so here I am shouting it from mine: Read it!

 https://asobermiracle.wordpress.com/2017/07/20/hope-for-the-heavy-drinker/

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Real Estate



As some of you know, I live in Mexico in the winter. In the ten years that we have spent our winters there, somehow. through a quagmire of circumstances and disappointing expectations, we have ended up with three properties there. For the last three years we have rented out two of them and it has been hell-I am not cut out for the hospitality industry, anytime someone  complains I want to throw all their money back at them to make them shut up. I find myself talking potential renters out of renting our properties just so I don't have to deal with them. lol

Now, it looks like we might be selling both of the rental properties which leaves us with a small casita that consists of one room that serves as both living area and bedroom, a bathroom and small kitchen. It is located in  a small fishing village in which only four others gringos live. I am so thrilled, really, to be free of the complications of the last few years and to have the opportunity to live very simply. 
To take some time to contemplate what and where we want our future to be. To take some time to just be. I

I remember how I escaped to Mexico from living on our boat, thinking a change of scenery and a new start was what I needed to combat my drinking. It didn't work, my drinking problem steadily grew regardless of being uprooted. Now, it is so liberating to know that I am no longer escaping anything, I'm just living light. It reminds me a lot of when I first gave up drinking, the possibilities seem boundless, but at the same time, just staying in place and living life day by day, without encumbrance, is very appealing. 

How The Heck Are You?

Monday, July 17, 2017

My Story-Sort Of



I could have written this story. I didn't, but I could have. I bet a lot of you could have too. Still miss drinking sometimes? Still get a little jealous and feel left out when you see pics of your old gang out wining and wining without you? Me, too.

Read it, we're not alone.

What's the Difference Between Being An Alcoholic and Just Really, Really Liking To Drink

I think, as this article points out, it's not about if you identify as an alcoholic or a party girl, it's about who you know yourself to be inside and becoming brave enough to become that person on the outside. I was never someone who could laugh about my drinking or the next morning stories of my inebriated exploits the night before. I was ashamed of that part of me, it wasn't who I was even if it was who I was being.

I tried to be ok with who I had become, but no matter how hard I told myself to relax and accept "me" as I was, "me" wouldn't let "me."

Thank you, Me!


Thursday, July 13, 2017

Loving Loud


My middle son sent me a message yesterday afternoon saying, "I just want to let you and the "cap'n" to know how much I love you and how much I appreciate you." Now, this message would make most parents smile but my son suffers from untreated depression and me, being me, imagined the worse. I finally got him to call me back last night and he assured me he was just saying he loved me because too many times people leave it unsaid. That he's not going to do anything "stupid."

It's frustrating loving someone who won't help himself, to be able to see a way out of their darkness when they can't or won't. This kid has put himself through rehab three times so I know he's a fighter but he won't go see a dr. about his depression! 

So today I'm frustrated and wanting so much more for someone I love. But I'm sober and grateful I am no longer so wrapped up in my own demons that I can't spare the mental real estate that was being squatted on by my obsession with my drinking. My mental real estate is a free space where others are welcome and I can love as loud as I want. I'm grateful that when I asked, "Do you need me to come?" I knew I could. Right then, I could have grabbed my keys and jumped in the car and driven 6 hours to where he is. I'm grateful that I could listen, really listen  because I was really there.

How the Heck Are You?