Thursday, July 20, 2017

Echo




“I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of the hunger for life that gnaws in us all.” 
― Richard WrightBlack Boy


Those of us who have quit drinking are often asked what it took to finally break those chains. I don't know about the rest of you but I struggle with the answer because I can't really explain why that day, almost six years ago was the day. It just was and I'm so glad.

I've seen others try to explain it through the years, but this morning I read an especially beautiful description and plea called out from the mountain top over at Finding A Sober Miracle. I  so loved her comment that if you could look into the future and see your life and who you will be when you are sober, you'd quit right now.

I think it's so worthy of being shouted from every mountain top so here I am shouting it from mine: Read it!

 https://asobermiracle.wordpress.com/2017/07/20/hope-for-the-heavy-drinker/

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Real Estate



As some of you know, I live in Mexico in the winter. In the ten years that we have spent our winters there, somehow. through a quagmire of circumstances and disappointing expectations, we have ended up with three properties there. For the last three years we have rented out two of them and it has been hell-I am not cut out for the hospitality industry, anytime someone  complains I want to throw all their money back at them to make them shut up. I find myself talking potential renters out of renting our properties just so I don't have to deal with them. lol

Now, it looks like we might be selling both of the rental properties which leaves us with a small casita that consists of one room that serves as both living area and bedroom, a bathroom and small kitchen. It is located in  a small fishing village in which only four others gringos live. I am so thrilled, really, to be free of the complications of the last few years and to have the opportunity to live very simply. 
To take some time to contemplate what and where we want our future to be. To take some time to just be. I

I remember how I escaped to Mexico from living on our boat, thinking a change of scenery and a new start was what I needed to combat my drinking. It didn't work, my drinking problem steadily grew regardless of being uprooted. Now, it is so liberating to know that I am no longer escaping anything, I'm just living light. It reminds me a lot of when I first gave up drinking, the possibilities seem boundless, but at the same time, just staying in place and living life day by day, without encumbrance, is very appealing. 

How The Heck Are You?

Monday, July 17, 2017

My Story-Sort Of



I could have written this story. I didn't, but I could have. I bet a lot of you could have too. Still miss drinking sometimes? Still get a little jealous and feel left out when you see pics of your old gang out wining and wining without you? Me, too.

Read it, we're not alone.

What's the Difference Between Being An Alcoholic and Just Really, Really Liking To Drink

I think, as this article points out, it's not about if you identify as an alcoholic or a party girl, it's about who you know yourself to be inside and becoming brave enough to become that person on the outside. I was never someone who could laugh about my drinking or the next morning stories of my inebriated exploits the night before. I was ashamed of that part of me, it wasn't who I was even if it was who I was being.

I tried to be ok with who I had become, but no matter how hard I told myself to relax and accept "me" as I was, "me" wouldn't let "me."

Thank you, Me!


Thursday, July 13, 2017

Loving Loud


My middle son sent me a message yesterday afternoon saying, "I just want to let you and the "cap'n" to know how much I love you and how much I appreciate you." Now, this message would make most parents smile but my son suffers from untreated depression and me, being me, imagined the worse. I finally got him to call me back last night and he assured me he was just saying he loved me because too many times people leave it unsaid. That he's not going to do anything "stupid."

It's frustrating loving someone who won't help himself, to be able to see a way out of their darkness when they can't or won't. This kid has put himself through rehab three times so I know he's a fighter but he won't go see a dr. about his depression! 

So today I'm frustrated and wanting so much more for someone I love. But I'm sober and grateful I am no longer so wrapped up in my own demons that I can't spare the mental real estate that was being squatted on by my obsession with my drinking. My mental real estate is a free space where others are welcome and I can love as loud as I want. I'm grateful that when I asked, "Do you need me to come?" I knew I could. Right then, I could have grabbed my keys and jumped in the car and driven 6 hours to where he is. I'm grateful that I could listen, really listen  because I was really there.

How the Heck Are You?

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

True Love




The cap'n (my DH) got home yesterday afternoon after being gone for two weeks and I had lots of things planned for my last short hours of alone time but then, about 11 a.m., an old friend called and said she and her husband were in the neighborhood, could they stop by. We spent 3 hours catching up and when it was time for them to head back over the mountain, we could have talked for 48 more without stopping.

I've known this woman for over 30 years, we've gone through a lot together. Raising kids, divorces, break-ups, the death of our parents and lots and lots of nights of wine and song. God, we had some helluva good times! She is one of those few people I know I will always have in my life and who will stick with me through thick and thin, because she loves me. When I quit drinking, I worried about losing friends, but I never worried about losing her.

Those are the only kind of people I need in my life, people who love "me" no matter the choices I make. It's almost worth quitting drinking to find out who those people are.

How the Heck Are You?

Monday, July 10, 2017

Re-Committing



I'm back! I didn't really go anywhere, just took a couple of weeks off from my daily routine to spend more time on a project I've been working on way too long. I took some time to fall back in love with it.  Did I get it done? No. Did I get as much done as I wanted? No. But you know what? It's okay because I got enough done that I know I will finish it and instead of getting overwhelmed by the time I have spent and how much work I have left to do, I am happy that I'm still working on it, that it's not sitting stashed away somewhere waiting for me to finally finish it someday. Instead it's right here reminding me to do a little more every day. I'm back in love

Sometimes, we just need to pull our sobriety out of the rag pile, shake it out, and just get back to work. No looking ahead or behind, just look at the next step in front of us and take it and then keep going as far as we can. Yes, we might get knocked off course again, yes, it's going to be hard and a helluva a lot of work, but it's always going to be here nagging at us to get back to work on it. Fall back in love with it.

Today's the day. You got something better to do?

How The Heck Are You?



Monday, June 26, 2017

Sadness



A family I have known all my life-I went to school and church with them, my kids went to school and church with them, my son's best friend is part of this family-was hit by tragedy last week. On an early summer Wednesday evening two of the boys, 16 and 14, cousins and best friends set out in an ATV, This family is a farm family and ATV's and horses are a routine part of their day. The sixteen year old was driving. They hit some loose dirt and the ATV rolled and the 14 year old who was not wearing a seatbelt was thrown from the vehicle and the vehicle rolled over him. After many frantic phone calls the 16 year old finally got hold of his uncle, my son's best friend, and he and the 16 year old's father rushed to the scene of the accident to find the boy cradling his 14 year old cousin who was dead.

This tragedy is multiplied so many times. Two childhoods lost, that of both the child who died and the child who survived. Great grandparents who lost a great grandchild and who have another great-grandchild severely affected, who are grieving not only for those children but for their children and grandchildren. And on down the line. Grandparents, parents, siblings.

Life is too short not to grab on and hold on to every moment we have with both hands. Too short not to wrap ourselves as tight as we can around every moment with the ones we love. No matter what we tell ourselves, we can't do this if alcohol is stealing parts of our lives from us, if alcohol is stealing parts of us from others.

We have now, who are we in this moment? Are we who we want to be right now if in another minute life forces us to become someone else? Our life will change, that goes without saying. How many moments of perfect serenity will we sacrifice if we don't grab what we can right now?