There I Go Acting Childish Again!

I have a friend who is new to sobriety and I'm getting to experience the wonders of it again through his eyes. He makes me want it back, all that childlike wonder, so I'm actively pursuing it these days.

Do you remember what the first day of summer was like when you were a kid? How you had that endless expanse of time laid out in front of you in which anything could happen, and how you only ever imagined good things happening? That's how I've been trying to approach every day lately. Like I'm a kid who has tunnels to China to dig and treehouses to build. As though all the drudgery is too far away to worry about right now. I gotta say, it's working for me.

So, today the task is to look at the day with child-like eyes. What do you see? I see me eager to get back to work on the greatest book ever written, the one that's going to be more famous than Harry Potter, Gone With the Wind and Fifty Shades of Gray because a kid has no idea that 99.9% of books never make it to any editor's desk and even if they did, they wouldn't worry about that because they know their book is too good not to make it. Then, I'm going to splash around in the pool. Later, I might walk downtown to get an ice cream bar because, as a kid, I don't worry about calories.

Oh, and I'm not going to worry if my feet or shoes are dirty when I come in the house until someone hollers at me to wipe my feet and quit tracking in dirt. Because, really, is that so important?

Some people would say this is a frivolous outlook to have, sobriety is all about drudgery and dealing with reality without the childlike wonder that alcohol provide, even if briefly and fickle-ly-see, as I child I can make up words if I want. I say, "Bullhockey!" Wonder and joy are not frivolous, they are integral to our sobriety's survival. If you're not feeling them, you are in danger and you need to be in active pursuit. Like a kid who is "it" in a hot summer's night game of hide-and-seek. 

Trigger, and I'm not talking about a horse!

My post on the MM boards the other day:
Hi all,
I kind of fell of the internet recovery support planet for the month of February, sometimes I need a break from the focus on recovery and need time to go out and start my days acting like a "normal" person-it doesn't take long for me to remember I'm not a normal person and just like thoughts of drinking inundated my head for over 3 decades, thoughts of recovery and reminders that I am a person who still has to think about not drinking on a regular basis invade. No, I didn't drink. Instead, my break from recovery consisted of starting out my days taking my morning walk, messing around in the garden, and not getting on the computer until high noon. I needed that time away to re-infuse my enthusiasm.

So, I'm back. I was reading through the Fabuary thread over on the MM Forum and one post in particular caught my eye. The writer said they were bored because they avoided doing the enjoyable things they associated with drinking. I know that a lot of people do the same thing, but I didn't. One reason I didn't check-out AA when I decided to quit drinking is because I knew they were going to tell me to avoid bars and people who drank, for a year. I could not do that and did not even want to do that. My spouse still drank heavily, all my friends still drank heavily, and besides, some of my favorite places are bars, not the loud music blaring party bars or hip-chic wine bars, I love peeling paint, scarred up floors, torn leather booths, main street small town bars where the same old cronies show up every afternoon at the same time to take their seat at the bar. I grew up in those places, I sure didn't want to avoid them.

I guess, because I had that mindset, bars have never been a trigger for me, my heavy drinking friends have never been a trigger either. Some things that were once triggers, like beautiful sunsets and hot days no longer bother me, you can't really avoid those things. However, I do still have triggers, things that make me very melancholy for the old days, times that make me think, "These are the special times I should allow myself to have a drink." I can't really avoid these either, but I still don't drink, I just let myself feel sorry for myself for a bit. Here's a handful of them: country music, hotel rooms, airports, swimming pools, sidewalk cafes in beautiful cities.

Not that many anymore, thank God. Of course, there are emotional triggers too and they run the gamut from boredom to anxiety to sorrow, can't avoid those either but I have to say, rarely is my first thought, "I could sure use a drink" these days and never do I think, "I deserve a drink."

My point is, one month doesn't get you to the point that you are able to enjoy life without alcohol, especially if you are avoiding everything else you enjoyed. The triggers are going to be there, somewhere, no matter how hard you try to avoid them, so why not go out and face them so they lose their power because one thing I've seen over and over on here and I know firsthand is that boredom is the number one trigger that causes relapse. Life is blah for a while after you quit drinking, don't make it more blah by avoiding everything and everyone you love.

Just my two centavos.

How The Heck Are You? 6/6/2017: Trying is Success

To put it bluntly, I'm exhausted. The last five days have proven how out of shape I am, embarrassingly. Maybe I need to rent a 5 year old for the rest of the summer. One more imperfection. 

When do we finally accept that we're never going to be perfect? Is there a point where we finally relax and give ourselves a wink when we don't toe the line.  Am I ever going to not think that eating a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast sounds more inviting than a banana? Is procrastinating ever going to be a thing of the past? Not likely.

But then again, if we totally accept ourselves as we are, do we then quit trying, quit striving?  What does life become then? A chocolate chip breakfast wait until tomorrow existence? I don't want that either.

So I guess what I need to learn to accept is that I'm always going to be enticed by perfection, even though I probably won't strive hard enough to reach it. At least I'll strive. I can't let my acknowledgment of my imperfections keep me from trying.

So I guess I've effectively talked myself out of that chocolate chip cookie this morning. Maybe tomorrow.

"I try therefore I succeed."

How the Heck Are You?

How The Heck Are You? 6/1/2017: Reasons

Got my granddaughter curled up next to me with her thumb in her mouth watching cartoons. (Man, are her parents going to regret letting her suck her thumb this long, I see big orthodontic bills in their future-but my oldest sucked his until he started going to slumber parties, peer pressure is good for somethings.) I'd say I'm doing pretty good this morning.

 

One big impetus for me quitting drinking was my grandson, her big brother, I was getting scared to be alone with him and my drinking! It still bewilders me that I didn't quit drinking for my own children but I quit for my grandchildren. I think it was because I was becoming more incapacitated by drinking the older I got.

Whatever. The important thing is, I fixed it., and now I am enjoying the rewards of my hard work. Let me tell you, in case you're wondering, it's soooo worth it.  No regrets, not one, not one minute.

How the Heck Are You?

Still Kicking!

I'm not really sure why I haven't blogged recently, I guess I could say my life has gotten too busy, that I had to let something slip and my blog is what slipped. 

And, that would be true. Believe me, I'm not one of those who got sober and then left all of this muddling about in the muddy recovery trenches for higher ground, I depend on all that muddling about to remind me that I've made it out and want to stay out. Telling others every day that I am sober, is necessary for me to stay sober. Because, believe me, if I thought no one was looking or noticing, it would be so easy to slip. By staying sober for others, I stay sober for myself.

So, where have I been?  I spend a lot of my time, the majority of my time, the cap'n would say, over on the Moderation Management sites. Between the MM forum, the MM listserv, mmabsers (yes, MM has a community for those of us who have chosen not to drink at all), the MM Public Hub and the MM facebook page. Oh yeah, and in the MM Abs Chatroom on Wednesday nights.

I'm not listing all of those communities to say, "Hey, look at me and everything I do." Instead, I list them to show what it takes to keep me sober. For me, sobriety is work and while I still marvel at non-hangover mornings and sleep-filled nights, those are not enough for me to stay sober. I have to stand up in my virtual recovery world every day and say, "Hi, my name is Kary May, I'm an alcoholic and I'm not drinking today." These online communities are my smoky church basements. Some people would say, "You've replaced one addiction for another." and they're probably right, but this addiction isn't going to kill me and if I help a few people along the way, more better.

I am also not saying that anyone else has to become or should become this involved in the recovery world to stay sober, some people quit drinking and ride off happily into those glorious sunsets never to be heard from again. And, that's okay. Not everyone wants to be career soldiers. But, I do think you have to find a replacement addiction, but let's not call it an addiction, instead let's call it a purpose.

Too many times we wait until something horrible happens to change our drinking. Too many times that is a temporary change, just until the memories of horribleness and regret change.  What if instead, we chose a good reason to make that change. A new purpose. 

Ok, I know. We all already know that is the best way to go, don't we? But we don't do it. We think we can pursue that new purpose and still drink. The thing is, until you have crawled out of that miserable muddy trench and off the battlefield, you can't imagine the possibilities are waiting for you. You can't. You have to take a chance and believe. 

There is something amazing waiting for you. A purpose. And as I told myself long ago, "I know that purpose is not to go through life as a drunk."

As is my usual form, I've wandered totally off track and I wasn't even sure what track I was on to begin with. 

Thank you, to those who wrote and checked to make sure I was okay. I am. I'll try to do better about reporting in and stopping by to see all of you wonderful bloggers on your own blogs, but one reason I could abandon my post here for so long is because I know that that there are so many other amazing soldiers out on this battlefield saving lives. Don't sell yourselves short, that is what you're doing.

The Old Back And Forth

Sometimes I get really tired of going back and forth, I want to be happy and content in one place and just stay there forever, or at least until I get bored.

But that ain't how life works, is it?

I am back in Mexico and while I don't enjoy the days spent packing leading up to traveling here, or the travel, or the days of unpacking once I get here, the physical effort of that back and forth takes a miniscule amount of energy compared to the emotional effort. The emotional back and forth is draining.

During the summer, I live like a hermit in my mountain cabin, especially when the cap'n is working which is about 90% of the time. During the summer, I get to live life by my own rules and schedule and opinion. I get up when I want and go to bed when I want. I turn the tv on when I want, if I turn it on at all. I watch whatever shows I want, or sit on the computer all day long if  I want without someone there to make me feel guilty about ignoring them. I eat what I want, but still manage to feel guilty about a meal of potato chips or ice cream.

And best of all...

I don't have to discuss any of it with anyone.

There is no back and forth about, "Are you ready to go to bed?" or "What sounds good for dinner?"

(There's also no one talking at me, commenting about what the pundits are saying on "Meet The Press" or asking me about shopping receipts from yesterday when I'm trying to write a blog, which has happened about five times already while I have been trying to write these few lines.)

So, yes, the back and forth between Colorado and Mexico is difficult for me in more ways than geographical.

I haven't even talked about the drinking yet.

I still struggle greatly with the cap'n's drinking. I don't talk about it much on here out of respect for his privacy, but sometimes it overwhelms me so much...

During the summer, he is away but he also doesn't drink because he is working, so, even though it is long distance, during those too few months,I am married to a sober person. When we come to Mexico and he is not working, which at some point in the very near future, he will be doing on a permanent basis-not working that is-he drinks. I won't go into amounts or from what time in the morning until what time at night, but he drinks a lot. Like I used to.

And that back and forth is the scariest for me. Because I know I can't do it much longer. Certainly not for the rest of my or his lifetime. Life's too short.

It's scary for me also because it starts that old teeter-totter in my head.

"If I tried drinking again, I could stay in my marriage. Maybe I could moderate this time. Maybe I'd be happier than I am right now. Maybe drinking in moderation would fill those holes in my life that not drinking at all has left empty."

Then, yesterday, I was driving home from toy drive shopping with one of my best friends, a best friend who never knew me when I was drinking, a best friend I wouldn't have if I'd continued to drink and I was regaling her with stories about "Drinking Kary May." She'd heard some stories from other people but wanted to get it straight from the horse's mouth.

After sharing some of my funniest exploits, I told her, "I miss those times and I have to admit I haven't had near as much fun since I quit drinking. But the thing is, I know if I hadn't quit drinking, I probably would no longer have a relationship with any of my kids. I know I wouldn't be trusted with my grandchildren. I'd hate myself because of that. And I might very well be dead."

I can live with less fun.

I can live in this "place"-the not drinking place- happily and content forever.

Why Is Moderation A Dirty Word?

I recently responded to a post on another sober blog about moderation.   One of the followers of that blog had written in and said that she was still struggling with the idea of giving up drinking forever and she was asking if moderation was possible. I responded, of course I did, that I do know people who moderate successfully, but it takes a lot of work and I'm not convinced that it ever becomes mindless or as unfettered as quitting all together.

My response that moderation was possible for some people was a lone soldier standing in a battlefield ringing with war cries of, "Moderation is a waste of time, impossible, and dangerous!"

A few days later, I read another comment from a follower who said that she had been abstinent for 8 years and then tried drinking. As we so often hear, and we know so often happens, she fell right back down the hell hole and was having a harder time climbing out than she'd ever had before.

I replied to her comment, "Thank you for sharing this. After five years of not drinking, I need to hear these stories to keep me on the path I'm on." Because, I do believe, for me, that trying drinking or even moderation again, would be dangerous. After all, I had started to exhibit signs of physical dependence and kindling.

I was informed my comment was awaiting "moderation." Now, I don't remember my comments needing moderation on this blog before, maybe they always had required this, but I don't think so. Maybe the blogger decided to moderate all comments on the post because the discussion of moderation is such a controversial subject in the sober world. It shouldn't be. Maybe my comment was moderated because I said that moderation is possible for some people. It is.

I don't think discussing moderation is dangerous, I think it is necessary. All of us tried it, for way too many years. On our own. Many of us avoided reaching out for help from others because we were told too often that our only solution is giving up alcohol completely forever, no matter the level of drinking we were worried about. If we were worried at all about our drinking, that must mean we have a problem and we should quit.

I'm calling bullshit on that.

So instead of reaching out to ask for help, when we first became concerned, we waited until we had become so lost and so embroiled in our habit and maybe so addicted, that, for many of us,  it did become impossible, a waste of time and downright dangerous to try and moderate.

See, I do believe moderation can be all those things, but not in the beginning, not when we first become concerned, not the first time we say, "I need to drink less."

Yes, some of us, even in the beginning, may find that moderation is an impossible goal for us. But wouldn't it be better to realize that sooner than later?

For some people, people like me, attempting moderation is the only step they can take and when you tell them it is a waste of time, that quitting all together is the only step available to them, it keeps them from taking any steps. And, to me, that is more dangerous than attempting moderation and failing.

This guy says it a whole lot better than me.

Perverse Pleasure

If you asked me what I love about sobriety, I would say, the starkness and solitude of it. If I was going to paint a word picture of that starkness, it would be a shaft of winter sunlight piercing through a window with plain cotton curtains onto a weathered gray table with a centerpiece of fruit. Or, a still as a church, snow covered prairie with a lone tree stripped of its leaves and one lonely set of footprints.

For so long I feared that starkness, it is exactly what I didn't want. I wanted whirling lights and ringing laughter and the never ever alone-ness of drinking.

But then, the laughter became hollow and the lights dizzying and I found myself so many times alone in a crowd. At least I thought I was. Was I the only one that had begun to dread the life I thought I loved?  Was I the only one who kept drinking long after I wanted to stop?

Was I the only one scared to death to imagine a life stripped down and myself naked?

I received this comment the other day from a friend of mine who read my book:

"I didn't start reading your book because of my drinking, but you got me thinking

maybe I should be thinking about it. Your description of how you are
seeing the world sober, was an eye opening reminder for me. I have
never been one for New Years Eve partying because I take a perverse
pleasure in waking up with a clear head when the rest of the world has
a hangover."

I agree. There is a certain perverse pleasure in knowing I am one of a hardy but small population who is sober when the rest of the world seems to be gleefully drunk or not-so-gleefully hungover.

There is a special-ness. Even a superior-ness. As though I've been chosen. 

But I know that's not true, because I know everyone that suffers can make the choice. 

We are not chosen. 

We choose...

The perverse and seldom achieved pleasure.

We choose...

Serenity.

Day 1 Again

I'm not overly fond of Day 1's, I had way too many of them, and I don't remember any of them as being enjoyable. All I remember is feeling defeated, ashamed, hopeless, lost, powerless-need I go on?
Oh maybe way back somewhere, I saw my Day 1 as a show of strength and full of promise, but that was before I knew how strong the pull of booze is, how many times it would defeat me.

Sometimes, many times in fact, I think the term, "Day 1" should be stricken from the vocabulary of us that are in recovery. Regardless of what "Day 1" proclaims, we never go back to the beginning, we don't erase every step we've taken or every lesson we've learned. I would much rather hear someone proclaim, "I stepped back on the path today" or "I'm back on my way to where I'm supposed to go."

But the use of "Day 1" perseveres. And you know what, may be it should. All of us that are not drinking today, even if we didn't drink yesterday, even if we didn't drink last year, are on "Day 1" again all over again. We join every person who is making the decision not to drink today, whether it be the first time they've made this decision, whether it is the 10,003rd day they've made this decision. Like those early "Day 1's" this day is full of promise and renewal. We are not alone, no matter where we are on this path. We are trodding through this Day 1 together.  We are all stepping back on the path. Again.

Proudly!

However, I understand if you have a hard time letting go of those hard feelings you have against "Day 1's" and I understand that you are not yet proud of the fact that you continue to persevere. You will look back someday and be very proud of how many times you had the indomitable spirit to get back on this path as many times as you needed to-I guarantee it.

But for now, I know you want to be done with your familiar, soul-sucking "Day 1's" and that's why I want to tell you about a gift from my amiga/sistah Jackie aka The Wine Bitch over at Sober Sassy Life. Jackie has created a Master class, "Ditch The Day Ones!" to help you discover how to never "suffer" through a Day 1 again. To find the link to this lesson, head on over to her recent blog,  "The Great Business De-Clutter" and scroll down to the bottom of the page and you'll see the Free Download.  

You're welcome.

Happy Day 1 Everyone!

Abs Chat Tonight: Don't Let Me Be Lonely

Join me in the chatroom tonight, we'll be talking about anything you want, as long as it's about not drinking.

9 PM Eastern, 8 Central, 7 Mountain, 6 Pacific

Abs Chat Tonight! 

Been pretty quiet in the Abs Chat Room Lately but I hope tonight is different.

Abs Chat is focused on abstaining from alcohol—on a permanent basis,
long-term, or even for a shorter period of time (like a 30!).
Everyone is welcome to attend, and to participate, but we won't be
discussing moderation techniques or plans. For discussions of
moderate drinking, we invite you to participate in the Monday Night
Book Chat or the Tuesday Night Online Meeting.
So if you're abstaining, planning to, curious about it, wondering
whether it would be a good idea, or just want to hang out for sober
fun, stop by!
See you there! http://www.moderation. org/chat/

** PLEASE NOTE: Abs Chat will be held in the Abs Chatroom. When
logging in, use the drop-down box to select MM_Abs_Chat. If you wind
up in the wrong room, you can move between rooms by clicking on the
room list to the right of the chatroom screen. **

Funky

Skunk Ape:   a tall, hairy, upright-walking creature that smells like a black-striped funky-smelling creature and it appears to be coming out a little more often.  

I have been in a funk lately. There seem to be so many things I don't like about me and my life right now. Don't worry, I'm not going to list them.  Oh, how I miss the days when just waking up without a hangover seemed like a brand new resurrection every morning.

I think I need a day of indulgence. A day spent reading a book or binge watching Grey's Anatomy and eating potato chips and dip without guilt.  Anybody have any ideas on how to do that? I find myself telling myself all day long, "No, you can't do that, you need to do this." Being told "No" all the time is making me cranky and my inner six year old is throwing a tantrum and refusing to do what she's supposed to be doing anyway. So I'm stuck between not doing what I want and not doing what I need to do, which means I'm not doing anything.

This, too, shall pass.

I just need to move in one direction or another.

Wow! Such words of wisdom today. Hey, sobriety is not always profound. Sometimes it's funky.


I do have one ray of sunshine to pass on. A friend of mine over at Moderation Management has just started a blog, ModeratelySober.  If you're going for moderation instead of permanent abstinence from alcohol, check it out. The author has been successful moderating for a year now, so it can be done.

For some.

Not all.

How do you know if you're one of the Some?

I think the best way to tell is to try moderation under the guidelines and with the support of a group like MM.  This is not without risk. Just like those who choose permanent abstinence from alcohol, MM'ers are not immediately successful and tend to experience the same old waffling and shuffling and falling flat on their faces and rising up again that we all do in this sobriety game. That can be dangerous for those who are physically addicted to booze, like I was.

But, as stated above, the back and forth, and careening into trees happens when people head directly toward permanent abstinence without passing through Moderationville, too. I view my year attempting moderation as that same erratic time in early sobriety that is testified to by many bloggers who are pursuing abstinence.  A time of questioning of whether I really needed to stop.  I guess, for me, it seemed that if I had a guidebook in hand and a bunch of people telling me which way to go instead of just wondering around in the forest on my own, and I still couldn't find my way out of that f'ing forest, I needed to quit going in there before something large and hairy ate me.

The more insidious danger, of  attempting moderation for those that will not succeed, The Not All Gang, is getting trapped in that forest and thinking that because they've managed to survive and not get eaten by a big hairy sharp toothed creature, we should stay in the f'ing forest and keep trying.  Sometimes harm reduction keeps us from getting to the increase in good that is waiting for us outside of the forest in the sunlit meadow. We survive, but we don't thrive.

Oh yeah, the sunlit meadow. That's where I am.

Thank You, for reminding me.

P.S. Successful moderate drinkers can reach the sunlit meadow, too. The author of ModeratelySober is here.  But if you've been stuck in that f'ing forest so long that you're starting to grow moss in your fecund dewy parts, put down the drink and come enjoy the sun for awhile.

Abs Chat Tonight

Hi all,
I'll be hosting Abs Chat Tonight at the MM Chatroom. Abs Chat is for anyone who is absing for any amount of time, anyone who is curious about absing. Sorry, absing, is MM lingo for not drinking. Over at MM we believe that sobriety can also be reached by successful moderation for some.
But Wednesday nights are all about not drinking at the MM chatroom and no talk of moderation is allowed.
So if you want to chat. lurk or just hang out so you don't drink, stop by. Here's the info and link.

Abs Chat Tonight! 

Abs Chat is focused on abstaining from alcohol—on a permanent basis,
long-term, or even for a shorter period of time (like a 30!).
Everyone is welcome to attend, and to participate, but we won't be
discussing moderation techniques or plans. For discussions of
moderate drinking, we invite you to participate in the Monday Night
Book Chat or the Tuesday Night Online Meeting.
So if you're abstaining, planning to, curious about it, wondering
whether it would be a good idea, or just want to hang out for sober
fun, stop by!
See you there! http://www.moderation. org/chat/

** PLEASE NOTE: Abs Chat will be held in the Abs Chatroom. When
logging in, use the drop-down box to select MM_Abs_Chat. If you wind
up in the wrong room, you can move between rooms by clicking on the
room list to the right of the chatroom screen. **

Workin' It!

I started my second week of couch potato to 5K and I still hate it.  In fact, I was in a bad mood all night last night just knowing that I was going to get to get up this morning and do it. (Note that I said "get to get up and do it" instead of "have to." I"m working hard at changing my mindset.  It ain't working.)  I was even grumpier this morning.  And I thought more than once about just saying screw it.

But I didn't.

I got out there and I panted and cussed through my one minute intervals and all the while I kept thinking, if I quit, I'm a fraud.  Every day I get up and I get on the computer and tell people that all their hard work and suffering is going to be so worth it.  That they have to look at the big picture and remember why they're doing this.

Then I thought and asked myself, "Why are you doing this?"

Because I hope to be around twenty years from now.  Because I hope to be healthier this time next year.  Because I hope to be stronger tomorrow than I am today.  Because I hope to reach that point  when I reap the rewards and the biggest reward will be the pride I have in myself.  Because I hope if I can do this one more thing for myself, I will be able to do other harder and more rewarding things.

Hope is important.  But Hope is not enough.

It reminds me of when I was quitting drinking,

To all of my amigas and amigos out there that are just starting out, remember that you are getting stronger with every day and every minute.  It will get easier.  It will be worth it.  Don't quit dreaming of the rewards, it is a gift that keeps on giving.  You will carry the knowledge of your accomplishment forever.  And you will be proud.  Forever.

If you can do this, you can do anything.

And you can do this.

Abs Chat Tonight

If any of you are interested in stepping away from the blogging desk tonight and would like a chance to chat with others going through the same struggles and TRIUMPHS you are, stop in.  I'll be there.  This is a chat sponsored by Moderation Management so some of the chatters will be people who have not chosen to abstain permanently but are absing for a period of time or are curious about permanent absing.  We do not talk about moderation at this chat.

Here's how to get there.

9 PM Eastern, 8 Central, 7 Mountain, 6 Pacific

Abs Chat is focused on abstaining from alcohol—on a permanent basis,
long-term, or even for a shorter period of time (like a 30!).
Everyone is welcome to attend, and to participate, but we won't be
discussing moderation techniques or plans. For discussions of
moderate drinking, we invite you to participate in the Monday Night
Book Chat or the Tuesday Night Online Meeting.
So if you're abstaining, planning to, curious about it, wondering
whether it would be a good idea, or just want to hang out for sober
fun, stop by!
See you there! http://www.moderation.org/chat /
** PLEASE NOTE: Abs Chat will be held in the Abs Chatroom. When
logging in, use the drop-down box to select MM_Abs_Chat. If you wind
up in the wrong room, you can move between rooms by clicking on the
room list to the right of the chatroom screen. **

****Also, as you are signing in, under the sign in box you will see to little circles with the words Flash or Mobile.  I chat from my computer, so I always select "Flash".  Some of the people that have been using their mobiles have been having a problem with getting kicked out of the chatroom now and then.

Moderation Management Abs Chat Tonight

Hey all!

There was a discussion yesterday on Time and the Bottle on reaching out for additional help through online message boards and forums.  These venues were and continue to be an integral part of my journey.

I know I've mentioned several times that I am an active member of Moderation Management and it's sublist: mmabsers.  But I don't think I've ever mentioned that we have an abs chat every Wednesday night.  It's very informal and it's a great opportunity to get some real time support from people that have been sober for an extended period.  Stop on by and bounce your questions, fears, and problems off of them.

 I am facilitating the chat tonight and I'd love to see some new faces from the sober blogosphere!

9 PM Eastern, 8 Central, 7 Mountain, 6 Pacific

Abs Chat is focused on abstaining from alcohol—on a permanent basis,
long-term, or even for a shorter period of time (like a 30!).
Everyone is welcome to attend, and to participate, but we won't be
discussing moderation techniques or plans. For discussions of
moderate drinking, we invite you to participate in the Monday Night
Book Chat or the Tuesday Night Online Meeting.
So if you're abstaining, planning to, curious about it, wondering
whether it would be a good idea, or just want to hang out for sober
fun, stop by!
See you there! http://www.moderation.org/chat/
** PLEASE NOTE: Abs Chat will be held in the Abs Chatroom. When
logging in, use the drop-down box to select MM_Abs_Chat. If you wind
up in the wrong room, you can move between rooms by clicking on the
room list to the right of the chatroom screen. **

Other online forums include:

Women for Sobriety

SMART Recovery

Soberistas

eAA forum

I am sure there are more out there, the important thing is that you find one that is a good fit for you.  The blogging world is populated with amazing and compassionate people.  But if you find, especially in times of weakness or crisis, that you need some real time support, you may find it at one of these online recovery communities.

Whatever it takes!!

Happy Mother's Day

Seems like I start every Mother's Day by going back.  Back to that last one before I quit drinking. When I worried whether my boys would even call, thinking that I deserved it if they didn't.  They always called.  I never felt like I deserved it.

Yesterday, I got this facebook message from my youngest, Matt, in response to a message I sent him about my concern for him and my daughter-in-law who are sergeant's in the Air Force. (For a little bit of my history with Matt, click here. A Day For Remembering )

Hey mom. .... I love you more than you'll ever know. As far as this situation goes I wish America would figure it out before it's too late. Id rather go fight them there and have civilian casualties there than here. If some thing doesn't happen it is going to end up on our door steps. But all that bs aside I love you and don't tell you enough and I'm glad you worry about me.

Yes, I'm bragging a little.  I deserve it.

P.S. For all my fellow mothers out there who are feeling undeserving out there today, don't give up on them, but most of all, don't give up on yourself. Love you, Kary

Whatssup Doc?

Warning to all male readers! Clang! Clang! Clang!: Female stuff ahead.

Note to all Gynecologists out there:  Please don't tell your patient that you think she might have an STD until you get the results back!!

So here's how it all went down.  I finally followed through on my promise to go and get everything checked out this year.  Boobs, Butt and Bunnykins.  Boobs are fine, I have them checked every year.  Butt's dandy too, not due for the next voyage up the old poop chute (sorry, don't know what's come over me this morning) for a year or two.  After my last colonoscopy, my doctor proclaimed that I have the colon of a fifteen years old.  One of my smartass "real" friends told me I should give it back.

But the Bunnykins, well, the poor thing hasn't had a good looking over in about 4 years and it's been through some changes. 

MENOPAUSE!

 Hey, you there, you nasty bitch with your dry withering lips and your parsimonious precipitation, I will not let you steal this one last guilty pleasure of mine.  Okay, I have two guilty pleasures, ice cream and sex, sometimes a combination of both.

And you can't have them!!

So girls, you know the drill and the position.  The doctor's down there with the sheet over her head, like one of those old times photographers trying to get the best shot.

Her:  "Do you itch?"

Me: "Not in public." (Not really. I said, "Uh...no...")

Her: "Have you had any discharge?"

Me:  "Uh...no..."

Her:  "No green, smelly discharge?"

Me:  NO! (Hell, it's been like the Sahara Desert down there. I think I would have noticed.)

Her:  "Hmmm...You know my husband is a gynecologist too.  And one time he sent me off to a conference for a week.  When he got back, he didn't want to be with me.  Then I found out he had a girlfriend.  But now I am just concentrating on the good things. (Imagine this in broken English because this was in Mexico.)

Now imagine this: Me, legs spread, thought bubble floating above my head.  Why is she telling me this?  Poor her, she obviously can't get past this if she tells a brand new patient all about her husband's affair.  Boing!! Light bulb!

Me:  "What is it you think is going on down there?"

I see her shoulders shrug under the sheet.  Then her breezy reply floats up.

Her:  "I thought you might have  Trichomoniasis, but you said you didn't have green stinky discharge, so no worry. We'll know in a week."

A week!!!  Whattt???

Okay, I'll cut to the chase.  The test results are in and  I do not have Trichomoniasis, which is a sexually transmitted disease.  I never really thought there was any possibility that I did.  I knew that I hadn't done anything and I was pretty damn sure that the cap'n hadn't done anything, but you know what they say, "Do you ever really know another person?"

Let's just say it was a week of hell and suspicion and ups and downs and both of us eyeing each other as if we were strangers and then reassuring each other with, "God knows what you can catch off the toilet seats down here."

The test results came back fine, just some minor abrasions because I'm still a living breathing sexual being, dammitall, even if it is dryer than nuclear winter down there.

Now what does all of this have to do with drinking?  Well, there were a few times I might have thought,  God, I could really use a drink right now.

But I ask you, what in the above scenario would have been made better by getting drunk.  Use your imagination here.  Me, drunk, pointing a snarly one-eyed finger (yes, I know fingers don't have eyes, but I'm drunk remember?) at the cap'n.  "You dirty, rotten sumbitch!  I knew I should have listened to my ex-husband about you."

Nuff said.

Let's Talk About Audrey

While we're on the subject of hang-ups, let's talk about Audrey Kishline, or Audrey Conn, as she later preferred to be called.  I'm a little late to this discussion and there are all kinds of other opines out there about her life and death and what it all meant.

Here is mine.

I first "met" Audrey when she was doing the talk show rounds in the late 80's or early 90's, when Moderation Management was being formed.  I have this image of her imprinted on my mind (apt or not); short permed hair, high waist jeans, polo shirt, big glasses, pushing her toddler in a push toy of some sort down the sidewalk. "Geek mom". The kind of mom who I imagined had her kids' science fair projects planned out years in advance.

So unlike me, who was usually found to be screaming and pulling at my hair the night before every science fair.

"Whaddaya mean it's due tomorrow?"

I could not relate to that woman on the TV at all, but I liked what she had to say.

I could keep drinking.

I remember checking out the book at our local small town library, I remember thumbing through it. Reading the daily limits, the weekly limits, and then the 30 DAYS WITHOUT BOOZE.

And that's all I remember. I think it's probably one of the few books I actually managed to return to the library. Probably before it was even due.

For another twenty some years I stumbled down my thorny path, busily convincing myself there were roses somewhere in those brambles.

Then I decided I was tired of wondering around torn and bleeding. So I started this blog. And I started visiting the message boards.

And late one night, I remembered Moderation Management and decided to see what presence it had on the world wide web.  Bam! There it was.

That was in August of 2010. I'd heard all about Audrey's tragic turn of events and the accident that took the lives of two innocent people by then.  I found her story tragic and, maybe even a little despicable. But that didn't keep me from exploring MM.

When I joined, Audrey was not even a member.  But then about two years ago, maybe it was three, a new member showed up on the mmabsers mail list. I had done my one year stint of trying moderation by then and found that it was not the choice for me, and I was in the pink cloud stage of early abstinence.  I jumped on the big welcome wagon for this new member who seemed really upbeat and bouncy for someone new to the perm abs game.  I was a little more accustomed to the downtrodden and desperate. Like me.

I don't remember how long it took me to figure out that the new member was Audrey, but I can tell you when I did, I wasn't pleased.

And I let her know it.

How could she still be struggling with drinking, after what she did? How in the hell could she still be drinking?  I asked her. I said a few other things. Like, "I just don't know how I feel about this." (That was helpful, huh?)

I was chastised a little bit by the other members. Who was I to judge? That wasn't my job.  As for Audrey, she talked about her new hobby--juggling--her new website, her interviews with Sheryl, the woman whose husband and daughter she killed, the impact statements she and Sheryl participated in.

She dropped in on a few mmabsers chats. She was always upbeat, which infuriated me for some reason.  I kept mum and said nice things on the computer screen while I rolled my eyes and wondered when she was going to announce her new book, or show, or whatever....

Then she disappeared again.

Then I read about her suicide.

And felt sad and bewildered and disappointed and a little guilty. I could have been more supportive, but I'm not sure that Audrey was looking for support when she was at mmabsers.  She never seemed to reach out for it.  Maybe she was trying so damn hard to juggle all those balls, afraid if she let one drop, showed a little weakness, the whole world would come crashing down. Again.

So my feelings about Audrey are a bit ambiguous, to say the least.  She's not a hero in my eyes.  But I am so damn grateful she had the courage to buck the tide and start MM.  I might have found my way to recovery through other means, but, "Damn," I say with a tear in my eye and a catch in my throat, "I'm glad that in a round about way she introduced me to the people who people MM. I wouldn't have wanted to take this journey with anybody else."

So, again, my point?

Audrey had nothing whatsoever to do with my recovery.

MM had everything to do with it.

So don't get hung up on Audrey's story when you're looking for HELP.

If you're reading this and thinking, that maybe you're not ready to quit completely, or if you've tried to quit completely so many times, or if you just want to gain back some control, don't talk yourself out of trying MM because of one woman's tragic story.  MM has a whole lot of other members with a whole lot of different stories.

Mine is one of them.

P.S. I wanted to set one thing straight about Audrey's death, I owe her that much and more. Early reports stated that she was found with two empty bottles of Vodka and countless empty bottles of prescription pills and she hung herself.  According to family members, there were no booze or pill bottles found.

I also want to share a truth about Moderation Management:  It does not pressure its members to moderate. It provides tools and support for them.  If a person declares that they have chosen to permanently abs, as I did, they accept  and offer encouragement and support for your choice. I never once had someone try to talk me into trying moderation longer or harder and I've never had someone suggest that I try it again.