Tuesday, October 20, 2015


Skunk Ape:   a tall, hairy, upright-walking creature that smells like a black-striped funky-smelling creature and it appears to be coming out a little more often.  

I have been in a funk lately. There seem to be so many things I don't like about me and my life right now. Don't worry, I'm not going to list them.  Oh, how I miss the days when just waking up without a hangover seemed like a brand new resurrection every morning.

I think I need a day of indulgence. A day spent reading a book or binge watching Grey's Anatomy and eating potato chips and dip without guilt.  Anybody have any ideas on how to do that? I find myself telling myself all day long, "No, you can't do that, you need to do this." Being told "No" all the time is making me cranky and my inner six year old is throwing a tantrum and refusing to do what she's supposed to be doing anyway. So I'm stuck between not doing what I want and not doing what I need to do, which means I'm not doing anything.

This, too, shall pass.

I just need to move in one direction or another.

Wow! Such words of wisdom today. Hey, sobriety is not always profound. Sometimes it's funky.

I do have one ray of sunshine to pass on. A friend of mine over at Moderation Management has just started a blog, ModeratelySober.  If you're going for moderation instead of permanent abstinence from alcohol, check it out. The author has been successful moderating for a year now, so it can be done.

For some.

Not all.

How do you know if you're one of the Some?

I think the best way to tell is to try moderation under the guidelines and with the support of a group like MM.  This is not without risk. Just like those who choose permanent abstinence from alcohol, MM'ers are not immediately successful and tend to experience the same old waffling and shuffling and falling flat on their faces and rising up again that we all do in this sobriety game. That can be dangerous for those who are physically addicted to booze, like I was.

But, as stated above, the back and forth, and careening into trees happens when people head directly toward permanent abstinence without passing through Moderationville, too. I view my year attempting moderation as that same erratic time in early sobriety that is testified to by many bloggers who are pursuing abstinence.  A time of questioning of whether I really needed to stop.  I guess, for me, it seemed that if I had a guidebook in hand and a bunch of people telling me which way to go instead of just wondering around in the forest on my own, and I still couldn't find my way out of that f'ing forest, I needed to quit going in there before something large and hairy ate me.

The more insidious danger, of  attempting moderation for those that will not succeed, The Not All Gang, is getting trapped in that forest and thinking that because they've managed to survive and not get eaten by a big hairy sharp toothed creature, we should stay in the f'ing forest and keep trying.  Sometimes harm reduction keeps us from getting to the increase in good that is waiting for us outside of the forest in the sunlit meadow. We survive, but we don't thrive.

Oh yeah, the sunlit meadow. That's where I am.

Thank You, for reminding me.

P.S. Successful moderate drinkers can reach the sunlit meadow, too. The author of ModeratelySober is here.  But if you've been stuck in that f'ing forest so long that you're starting to grow moss in your fecund dewy parts, put down the drink and come enjoy the sun for awhile.


  1. Everyone is different. I think it turns a lot of people off when it's made to seem as if there is one way only to finding happiness without drugs or alcohol or at a reduced rate or whatever. What works for one person, may not work at all for another. The bottom line is that when we become uncomfortable enough to change something, we will.

  2. Here! Here! Wholeheartedly agree! Kary

  3. I just love you...you know that?

    Do not let that other thing creep into your head and mess you up. You were on a trajectory to get some things done and you need to keep doing those things no matter what. Let Karma take care of the rest.


    1. Love you too, chica. Yep, you guessed it, the self-doubt and perfectionist evil twins have been tag-teaming me trying to mess with my head. I'm flipping them the bird right now.

  4. Give yourself an evening off. Do nothing. Eat those chips.
    It might be restorative.

  5. Enabler. ;) I am not eating those chips! They have been in my pantry for a week and I am very proud of the fact that the bag is still sealed. I think I bought them just to torture myself, but the fact that I've been able to resist them gives me a little boost. Just like you guys. I have some forward momentum going now and feel better.

  6. I ate 3 bowls of chips today, for breakfast!
    (Small bowls)
    Good thing there is no ice cream in the house!
    I hope you are either having fun, or working hard.

    1. I can relate, I've had ice cream for breakfast before! I did make myself do something I needed to do and the funk dissipated. I knew it would, I just had to push past that resistance.

  7. Sometimes we need to let ourselves do what we really want to do. Just follow your own wants and desires. Just one day. It is okay to allow ourselves to not be productive, not be efficient, not be busy. It is okay to just be.
    Funk will end. It shall pass. Eventually. Because everything comes to the end (not trying to sound sad here.)
    I am going to check out Moderately Sober. Moderation is such an alluring concept. But boy do I suck at it.
    Hang in there Kary. You are amazing.

    1. I sucked at it too! Worst hangovers I ever had because I'd go long periods without drinking then I'd revert right back to my decades long drinking amounts. I'm glad I finally accepted the truth. I can't moderate and, in fact, I don't want to moderate.

  8. Moderationville was as elusive as the skunk ape, and now I wonder why I wanted to find it so bad. I remember buying a book and sticking to the guidelines and hating actual moderate drinking. 0 drinks a week wound up being easier than 9, but I don't regret trying. And failing. Yes, there are funks, even in a sunny meadow, and I can relate to the itch, of wanting something new or more. I'm not sure what I'll do about it yet, but it's not entirely unenjoyable and it's making me slow down and listen more, which is never a bad thing.

    1. Yep, just like you, I didn't drink to enjoy the drink, I drank to enjoy the drunk. If I was going to have to work that hard and still not catch a buzz, what was the point. However, I salute those that are able to bring it back down to healthy level and do the work it takes to keep booze from grabbing the reins.