Friday, October 7, 2011

What Goes Around

"There's only us, there's only this, forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way, no day but today."
Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 - January 25, 1996) motivational quote

Day 23

TGIF, I guess. Fridays are hard for me. Before I was drinking every day, Friday was the day I lived for all of the working week and now I feel a little melancholy as I watch people in the grocery stores or pulling up to the liquor stores as they gear up for the weekend. No more flasks of bourbon in the inside pocket of my jacket to keep me warm while I freeze my ass off watching the Friday night high school football game. No more cold beer with Mexican food for Saturday lunch. No more drinking at a friend’s house on Saturday night. No more bottle of Ballatori with my Sunday Brunch. Oh well, the no more hangovers makes it worth it. Did I really wonder where the weekend went back then?

It’s 11:42 am and I’m already wondering where my morning went. I got up, turned on the computer, and checked the message boards. I got dressed, slapped some make-up on, curled my hair and took the cap’n to work. Then I headed for the riverwalk and walked until it was time to head to church. I went to mass and stayed after to light a candle and say a prayer for a mmlist friend that was in need this morning, then off to Albertsons to pick up a few items and of course I forgot something and had to go back through check out. I headed home, unloaded the car, cleaned the house turned on the computer and checked the message boards again. I sent a couple of pm’s and responded to a couple of posts. And now it’s 11:48 and the morning is gone and I have accomplished nothing of noteworthiness. I don’t know how you guys that work do it. I don’t remember how I used to do it.

I keep telling myself that I spend too much time on the message boards or that I need to drop one or two of them. I’m on three of them, MMlist, mmabser’s and Women for sobriety. And I’ve made a note to check out SMART today. Something has got to go but here’s the thing, I just counted out how many days I have abstained since June 1st (I didn’t keep track before then) and there’s 112 of them. 112 days out of 128 days and I owe every one of those days to the various lists. Yeah sure, I can take some of the credit but in all of those years I was on this journey by myself I couldn’t rack up 112 days of abs in five years. Every time I think I’m going to cut down on my time spent on them, every time I think I’ll just take a peek but I won’t stay long, there is a lesson waiting there for me or there is someone that needs a friend to listen. Because it’s not all about “taking” on the boards. Those 112 days and this newer happier stronger me isn’t just because I received so much support and wisdom and help from those boards, it’s because I gave of myself, too. It wasn’t just because when I asked for prayers as my friend did this morning, I got them, it was because I gave them too.

You can call it karma, or paying it forward, or magic, whatever you call it, it works. So if you’re lurking and afraid to chime in with advice or just a “Yeah, I’ve been there too and it’s utter hell” your only getting half of the benefits. Jump in, we need to hear what you have to say. BTW I love comments here, too.

Hey, I’ve finally figured out which one has to go…the housework.

So today I’m just out there doing my best to make time and waiting for what goes around to come around.

Have a great weekend!


  1. Thank you for paying it forward!

    I've read that one addiction is often replaced with another one. My new one is blogs. And boards. This addiction beats the hell out of the last one!

    By the way...yours is one of my favorites!!


  2. Thank you, Larnie, I'm glad you found me. You're comments make me go back and read my old blogs and that's good for me. I don't know if you've caught up to present yet but I've been back at work for a week and I'm finding it hard to blog, I'm just too dang tired when I get home. I'm sure I'll adjust soon, probably about the time it's time for me to quit in 3 months.

    Anyway...I've managed to maintain my sobriety with internet support and still have not attended any face-to-face meetings, and I'm sure some people would tell me I'm missing out on something but I like it the way it is. For me, the internet gives me the freedom to be honest in a way that I don't think I could be f2f.

    Ironically, yesterday when you wrote this was another Friday and this time a Friday at the end of a work week for me, the first since I've been sober. Way back in my twenties, I started the tradition of meeting for beers after work on Fridays at the hospital I am now back at work in, so yesterday after work was difficult and I felt a little melancholy. I started thinking those thoughts that maybe I could try again to moderate, those thoughts still squirm their way through my brain, I just don't let them stop long enough to burrow in, and then I thought, "No, I don't want to try again, not because I'm afraid that bad things will start happening again, but because I'm afraid the good things will stop happening.

    I hope you're having a great weekend.