Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Bottle Is Not Redeemable

Day 6 of abs’ing. Last night I was busy beating myself black and blue. In the last year I’ve managed to pretty much humiliate myself in front of most of my family members with my drinking. Up to now, I’ve always been able to comfort myself with the fact that all my friends and family still love me. And I think they still do but they’ll probably start avoiding me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a mean or confrontational drunk but I’m a stupid drunk and an annoying drunk. I used to be a funny and clever drunk, at least I thought so. Maybe it’s because I’ve had more sober moments in the last year, I am able to see myself more clearly. I was definitely a more functional drunk and I can no longer claim that lofty title. Before, I could say I never let anybody down and I can’t say that anymore.

So, yep, this morning I was pretty black and blue. I dropped the cap’n off at work and headed to mass. It’s becoming a habit. Now that religion isn’t being forced down my throat I’m finding I like it, I even crave it. I’m not so sure it’s the mass that I crave though, this morning, unbeknownst to me, there was no mass. I stayed anyway. There is just something about sitting in that quiet old church with the sun glowing through the stained glass that makes me feels so safe, so loved and, for lack of a better word, so serene. Actually there is no better word.

So I was sitting there in all my serenity this morning staring at a stained glass window of the crucifixion made brilliant by the morning sun and I started telling my Co-Writer about how I felt last night and trying to shut up long enough to hear what he had to say about it. “Redeemer!” I swear to “You-Know-Who” the word flashed in my head. This is how I know when he is talking to me. A thought I never would have thought of is just there, in my brain. I’ve heard the word “Redeemer” a million times but I always thought of it in general “Savior of the Masses” terms. I’m sure I’ve said, “God is my Redeemer” a hundred times but I never thought about how it could apply to my life. (Help me out here, God, I’m having a hard time explaining this). I guess I always thought of “Redeemer” in the broad term of only redeeming my soul to get me that ticket into heaven. I never thought of God as being able to help me redeem myself to the people I love or to myself down here on terra firma.

How is he going to do this? I’m not sure but I’m going to ask him to. I think it might be as simple as asking for the strength to be the best person I can be. Over and over and over again. If you don’t believe in a higher power, just keep asking yourself to be the best person you can be. Over and over and over again.

I am redeemable!

So today I’m out there doing my best to rack up some frequent sober miles towards my trip to Redemption.

P.S. I keep telling my Co-Writer to lay off the religious stuff because He’s driving away the masses but sometimes he insists.

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