Friday, October 5, 2012
There's the view from the ridge off to the side of my cabin this morning and that's about how my head feels, all kinds of fluffy winter wool has gathered there but it melts away before I can get my hands around it. I'm left sitting here at 11:30 am in my nightclothes and bed hair, scrubbing my hands over my face trying to form a snowball of a thought.
It wasn't that way yesterday, yesterday my head was brimming with valuable tidbits to share, but of course, yesterday I didn't have time to write a blog, so I jotted down some notes about the snowflakes that were whirling around in my brain yesterday. I never do this, jot things down, that is, because usually by the time I sit down to write a blog, all the blogs that have formed in my head throughout the day or week before seem pointless and sometimes downright ridiculous.
But since this morning's fluff is not abating, I'll try to conjure something up from yesterday's scribbles.
Here's the first one:
"Feeling Mystical" You've got to be fucking kidding me. Okay, if I recall this one came about when I knocked a little wooden sailboat off of its perch where I had placed it 8 years ago when the cap'n and I were still holding onto the lines of our sailboat, where we had lived for 12 years, and trying to keep that dream afloat while also admitting that maybe it was time to let it go. That's when we bought this cabin. We continued to split our time between here and the boat until we bought the house in Mexico and we put the boat on the market. It's still there. On the market. Four years later. So yesterday when that tiny sailboat fell from it's shelf I was hoping it was a message from beyond that the f'ing boat (our pet name )had finally been sold and we were going to be able to let go of it completely, finally. Or it could mean that the f'ing boat fell off its jacks and has extensive damage for which we no longer carry insurance.
"Perfume for Attie" Ah, I like this one. My daughter-in-law is visiting her mother in Denver and she has my granddaughter, Atalie Jolene, with her. We made arrangements to meet for lunch yesterday and that is why I didn't have time to write a blog. As I was getting ready, I spritzed on my perfume. I only wear one perfume and it is Giorgio's Beverly Hills. I started wearing it more than 25 years ago when my mother gave me a bottle that someone had bought for her. "It doesn't smell good on me," she said. Through the years I've had several people ask me "what are you wearing" and when I reply that it's Giorgio's they always say, "I tried that and it didn't smell good on me." One time when I walked into a shop in Key West the shopkeeper said, "My God, what are you wearing? You smell dee-vine." When a gay guy tells you, you smell dee-vine, you better keep wearing what you're wearing. I hope whenever my granddaughter smells Giorgio's, remember smell is the biggest trigger for memories, it brings back happy memories of me.
"Jodi Piccoult-the dream" I had my first drinking dream in a long time the other night, actually it was more of a hangover dream. I actually dreamed what a hangover feels like. Ugh, thanks for the memory. When I mentioned the dream during mmabsers chat the other night, someone asked me if I thought this meant anything. I immediately got defensive and said, "No, I'm not having any urges or anything." But when I was laying in the tub yesterday re-reading a Jodi Piccoult book there was this line, "When we're awake, we see what we need to see. When we're asleep, we see what's really there." Maybe that dream was a warning, maybe I'm getting too complacent, maybe I need to keep doing the work, maybe I need to work harder. Maybe I needed to revisit my past to remind myself not to forget how lost I was.
"Puzzle Pieces" This is the thought that struck me as really inspired yesterday. Today? Mmm, not so much. I was actually thinking of you, my fellow bloggers, and my fellow members of the message boards I am involved in and I was thinking that sometimes we may get discouraged and others may seem to say what we want to say so much better and so much more succinctly than us, but then I had this thought that sobriety (and life, for that matter) is like a big jigsaw puzzle and we are each holding a piece of the puzzle and someone out there is looking for that exact piece that we are holding to make their puzzle complete, or at least enable them to see more fully what the whole picture is going to look like so they can go look for that next piece. So don't get discouraged, someone's looking for what you have to offer. Someone needs to hear what you have to say.
"The Rosary" My brother reminded me that October is the month of Mary and the Rosary so I've been saying a rosary everyday this month. My brother says he remembers our mom, Ruth, corralling all of us Hickey kids into the living room every night of October to say the rosary, he said it was like herding cats. I don't remember saying the rosary every night, but I do remember kneeling in front of the green crushed velvet rocker that was my designated kneeling station and making pretty shapes out of my rosary beads.
Clearer in my mind are the terrifying nights of withdrawal when I counted out the Hail Mary's on my fingers and begged for help, as my brother says, in one word, holymarymotherofGodprayforussinnersnowandatthehourofourdeathamen.
It is so much better to sit in my old cherrywood rocker, pulled up to the front door so I can see the birds squabble over their breakfast, and run those familiar comforting beads through my fingers.
So thankful that she listened.