Sunday, April 17, 2011
Facing My Demons
I was invited to two different parties last night. I really, really didn't want to go to the first one. It would be attended by none of my close friends, but a bunch of the people that had witnessed my embarrassing evening in which I had to be carried out of the bar. Of course, the guy who had helped with the carrying would be in attendance. To say I dreaded it would be putting it mildly. But I had to go for two reasons. First, the girl that was throwing it is a real sweetheart and has been supportive of every fundraiser we have done and she was welcoming her husband and dog from England. Second, the cap'n said I had to go and damn it he was right. I couldn't cower in my casa forever.
So I painted up my lips and rolled and curled my tinted hair. I put on a short little tropical print dress. I lifted my chin and pasted a smile on my face and I strode in. Here's how it went.
"Kary!" from everyone, "How are you?" (With wiggling eyebrows and little snorts in my imagination)
"I'm great," from me.
"What would you like to drink, Kary," from my lovely hostess
"Do you have diet Coke?" from me.
"What? I've been working out all week in case I had to carry you home," from the guy who helped carry me home.
A gentle laugh, from me, "I think I forgot to thank you for helping me out that night. Thank you." Smile! Smile! Smile!
And that was it. There were a few more references to working out from the guy but nobody else said anything except to marvel that I was drinking straight Diet Coke (If they'd been my close friends they would not have been surprised, since my close friends see me do this on a regular basis).
I looked around and surveyed the crowd. The guy that was almost catatonic in the corner, the girl that weebled when she walked, the man next to me who kept laying his head back and closing his eyes. This was all before 7:00 pm I'm not being superior because I realize I have played every one of these parts but now I realize that for a little while I gave them somebody to compare themselves to and say, "At least I'm not that bad." I also realized that one thing I risk if I do sober up is the "friendship" of some people because then they may look at me and no longer feel comfortable with themselves. That will be their loss, not mine.
So I left the party the same way I came in, with head held high and a smile on my face and a big hug from the hostess. Then I went to watch the moonrise with my friends, who also drank the "good" stuff while I drank Diet Coke. They didn't notice and they didn't care.