Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Another Day, Another Park

You probably think I fell off the wagon and am stuck in the muddy ruts somewhere. I'm not yesterday was Day 3 of my abstinence and it was glorious. There were not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything I wanted to get done. So much better than laying on the couch in the throes of a vicious hangover counting down the hours until I can go back to bed and try to go back to sleep. Today is Day 4 and it's what I like to call a molten lava sh%* day. I always like to imagine that my cells are ridding themselves of all the poisons I've forced on them and are finally able to take a deep breath of fresh, clean air. I wish my memory cells would do the same. Seems that I'm spending the day rehashing everything that I've ever done wrong, every embarrassing moment….I wrote this in my journal on one of these days in one of my previous recoveries…
In my transient lifestyle, I found myself wandering the paths of another park. This one was not littered with the refuse of humanity but that was okay because I was feeling pretty bottom of the proverbial garbage pail about myself. It was one of those weeks when I had found myself to be embarrassingly human and even though the bruises weren't readily observable to the human eye, I was feeling pretty tender from the ongoing onslaught I was inflicting on myself.
The cap'n kept trying to reassure me that I was a good person, a nice person, a kind person but….he has to say that because he loves me and he was desperate because it ain't fun living with me when I am in this state of mind. So I didn't believe him.
So I'm on this path early one morning and I see an elderly gentleman ambling toward me. He has the rolling gait and the vacant stare of a Parkinson's patient. I am really in no mood for any kind of encounter but my good manners kick in and I smile and say, "Good Morning."
The man's vacant eyes light up, and he says, "Not everyone is friendly. I just passed a couple and said Good Morning and they didn't say anything back." He says, "I speak to everyone."
I go a few more steps down the path and dissolve into tears. I know that man was God.
P.S. Please don't write and tell me I'm a good person, that's not the point of this little article. Instead I challenge you to stop yourself today every time you tell yourself that you're stupid, fat, ugly, weak…..You're human and you're doing the best you can!


  1. OK! pulling myself away from your blog, I'm at Day 3 : )

  2. I'm glad you found your way here. Gosh that post seems like a long time ago but after reading through it I can tell you exactly what happened 3 days before I wrote it. It's probably one of my worst memories (they count in the hundreds). When I wrote this, I was with the cap'n at a little town he was working in, I had been there three days. I spent the week before that with my grandson up in our home in CO. It was just him and I up there and what started out as a week of idyllic time with him ended up with me in the middle of withdrawals and barely able to get out of bed or off the couch. I remember one night I let him fix himself a bowl of ice cream for supper because I was too sick to fix him anything.

    He was 7 years old. God, that's a hard memory, I need to carry it around in my pocket to keep me from taking any more sips.

  3. I am really glad I found my way to your corner of the web as well. I'm at Day 8. I have traveled across the country to a family Birthday Party, mine and my (now) 5 year. 12 adults drinking their heads off, while I happily sipped tea (lots of tea!!!) and wake up for early morning runs (I love the mornings again! YAY!) Thanks for writing your past year for all of us to share, and draw strength from. Not sure if I would be here sober at this moment, if I hadn't read some of your posts prior to getting on that plane. I have read some early ones, some new posts and a few in the middle. I loved them all, and they ring so true for me in so many ways. Looking forward to my sober 2nd week!! Thanks again, I'm going to keep reading : )

  4. Well, I think that's what my Co-writer had in mind when he told me to start this blog, you and me getting sober. Good for you on the 8 days, I'm at 380 or so I guess now and I have to tell you there were moments today that I was more content and full of joy than I ever remember being in my life. Nothing special, just a beautiful fall Sunday, and me being sober.

    So I'm here to tell ya, it just gets better.

  5. Thanks for your comments Kary May, I LOVED waking up feeling great today! I didn't love watching people get smashed out of their minds...but this experience is still new for me. To a great Sober & Feeling Wonderful Day!