Monday, July 30, 2012

True Confessions

Day 321 of Sobriety

I reached into my refrigerator this afternoon for something and there at the back was the bottle of wine I bought six weeks ago for my friends who were coming over for a Friday night girls night.  They obviously didn't drink it and it has sat back there all this time.  I looked at it wistfully and thought how nicely it would go with the dinner I was fixing for my son and I tonight, but I grabbed the bag of cheese that I'd been looking for and shut the door and the thought went no further.

But I swore when I started this blog that I would always be honest and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss drinking.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't heartbroken sometimes at the thought of never drinking again.    And I'd be lying if I said sometimes I don't get royally pissed off that I can't drink. And I'd be lying if I said I never think about letting myself drink for a special occasion or trip, like a Rhine river cruise or a Napa valley tour and then lying to ya'll about it.  But I haven't and that is the truth.  I know some people on the message boards say they never miss it and they never consider it, but that's not me.  I do.

I don't know why all my lovelorn-ness (I know that's not a word but that's what I feel sometimes, lovelorn for alcohol) doesn't transfer into opening that bottle of wine, or popping a tab or twelve on the suitcase of beer that also resides in my fridge for friends.  But it doesn't.  And that's the truth.  I think one reason is that it would be a big slap in the face to my Co-Writer, the cap'n, my boys, my friends, and myself to squander all these blessings I have been given, all these constant validations that my life is so much better without alcohol in it no matter how much I miss it.  And that's more than enough reason today for me to leave that cork on the bottle of wine and all those beer tabs intact.  And that's the truth too.


  1. Amen! I feel the same. I'm pissed off that I cannot EVER drink again but I ruined my right to drink not someone else.
    I am going to focus on the trips I CAN take, like hiking the Grand Canyon, Disney Land, Cruises, ect, rather than not going to Napa Valley. Hell, the last time I was in Napa, I don't remember very much of that trip and somehow wound up spending way too much money.
    I still feel your pain and good for you for not popping that cork!

  2. Your honesty sounds strong and confident. My daughter sounds a lot like you about her feelings toward alcohol. She says she lacks the courage to tell people she doesn't drink, but admires the people she hears who confidently say they are sober or don't drink anymore. I'm praying that she gets that inner strength soon. Congratulations on your success and being present in your life.

  3. Thank you for your honesty. I would be lying too if I said I did not miss it. Sometimes I think I dont focus on that in my blogs in an attempt to deny it all. If I dont say/write it it might go away. But it is just the way it is. Calm acceptance - now that would be a nice place to be! Cleo xx

  4. i agree completely. i'm exactly the same. i miss it, and think about wine often. i romanticize it. I imagine the two of us (me and wine) on vacation. And i'm not drinking any. not today and not tomorrow.

  5. There are times I miss the hell out of it! I don't think I miss the actual wine as much as I miss the experience and what it meant to me at one time in my life, namely, intimacy and good times.

    And if I'm completely honest, there are also times I miss a damn good drunk.

    So see? You're not alone...I think if more people were as painfully honest as you are, you'd find out you're in very good company.


  6. Put the plug in the jug came to mind.
    Glad 'we' did.
    Have a lovely sober day Kary May!

  7. Yep, that's how I feel as well. The time for drinking is over for me...but there were some good times in there and I miss them. I'll tell you, if I were still drinking this past weekend would have been more "fun" in the evenings while everyone else was drinking. But it totally wouldn't have been worth giving up the peace and self respect I've gained the past (checking the date) 20 months.

    Nice post, Kary

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  9. I think I miss the anticipation more than anything, the something to look forward to, but today my daughter-in-law who lives 9 hours away was passing through on the way home from her granddad's funeral and she stopped in with my new granddaughter to surprise me at work, then we met my oldest son at a restaurant for drinks (all NA's), while we were visiting a friend I rarely hear from called and wanted me to go out for dinner but I had to reschedule her for tomorrow night because I was taking my grandson to the fair tonight. You think I'm going to throw all that away for a lousy drink. No Way! Thems those blessings and validations I was talking about. All of that would never have happened a year ago, and never in one day.

  10. OMG! I just thought, what if I'd been drunk or hungover when my daughter-in-law decided to bless me with a surprise visit. A year ago, that might have been a possibility, two years ago it would have been a certainty. It's been a long but so worthwhile journey.

  11. Rhine River.
    That's interesting. About three years ago, we took our long awaited trip to Germany. While there with all the Christmas festivities, all the alcoholic beverages,, somehow, the United States seemed so far away.

    And I drank.

    And it was a huge mistake. When will I ever get back there to actually remember the Black Forest.

    No, its not worth it, and today I play that tape fast forward to all the misery. That keeps my cork in the bottle :)

  12. Thank you so much for this truthful reminder because I know, without a doubt, that this would be my story too if I drank.

  13. Thanks for your honesty. I'm not yet at the point where I can keep alcohol in the house, I may never get there. 99% of the time I don't miss it, but I don't want to sacrifice all I have gained to that 1% chance if I were to have a bad day. I guess I still have a healthy fear of chardonnay.
    I'm happy to have "finally" found your blog! I look forward to reading more... ~RoS