Monday, August 6, 2012

Before and After

A while back someone made some snarky offlist (private email) comments to me that I exaggerate about how "bad" I was.   This picture was taken about a year and a half ago at a going away party for some of our friends in MX. You'll need to click on it and enlarge it to get the full scarey effect.  What do you think?  The photo was snapped by my lovely brother-in-law, Danny, I'd kill him but he's actually done me a favor by capturing this shot in time.  Danny and my other brother-in-law, Scott, had come for a first visit to our casa down there and we were going to Carnival in Merida.  This was taken before we went to Carnival, can you imagine what I looked like after Carnival,(there are pics but I'll spare you and me), can you imagine what I'd look like today if I'd kept drinking.

As you can see by the light pouring into the doors at the front of the bar, this is not in the wee hours of the morning, if I recall, this was taken about 5:30 in the afternoon, and as you can see by the capn's face and by, well, me, it is way past time for me to go home.  I was supposed to go home and fix some elaborate meal I had planned for my brothers-in-law, instead I went home and passed out.  I'd actually dried out in advance of the planned visit, but I blew it a couple of days before and this is me in drinking just to appear normal and avoid withdrawal mode, how do you think I'm doing?  Pretty pitiful, huh?  Gotta love that hair and that belly.

That's my friend, Karen, singing karaoke in the background (she's English and she's probably singing her favorite anthem, Tom Jones' Delilah), we call her the energizer bunny.  She's the life of the party and she wears us out.  I was her ten years ago.  She likes her beer but I don't think she'll ever end up looking like me in this picture because she has too many other passions in her life, drinking isn't her main one, as it has always been for me.

Although it may be hard to believe, I was actually pretty far along in my journey to sobriety at this point, this was when I was doing my damnedest to moderate.  As I've said, I never got much better at moderating, as this picture is proof of, but I got better at abs'ing and it was about four months after this picture was taken that I decided to permanently abs.  If Danny had shown me this picture earlier I might have given it up then but he didn't show me this until a few months ago.

 I think he was keeping it in case he needed to blackmail me at some point.

 He's back in my good graces now though, he redeemed himself by taking another pic of me a month or so ago at a nephew's wedding.  I don't like many pictures of me, but I'm pretty proud of this one.  I think it says, "If I can do it, you can do it."

What do you think?  (That's me in the middle, in case you couldn't tell. Oh, and that's just diet pepsi in the cup)




14 comments:

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  2. You look beautiful (in the second picture!) How motivating is that? This whole thing of "you weren't so bad" which I also have encountered - well firstly no-on but you knows how you felt and secondly is often just the other person being irritated that you have shown up their drinking habits and they have lost a drinking partner. You look lovely and are an inspiration! Cleo xx

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  3. how amazing that you realized that moderating wasn't going to work... and that you got sober and made it stick. congrats on the beautiful photo at your nephew's wedding. saving the old photo is probably therapeutic, but it gives me the willies ...

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  4. Hi, new follower (love your blog title)
    I'm kinda stuck on the notion of someone taking the time to email you regarding how much of a drunk you are... My only guess is s/he is an awful drunk and it hurts sometimes when we see others' get sober. Or that they were a drinking pal and they're trying to reel you back in. I mean, really? You weren't "that" bad !!

    But, then, there I go again trying to psychoanalyze, lol

    One day at a time. Are you doing this sobriety thing on your own? I do not dismiss how effective blogging is!! I began my blog in 11/11/10. I mean I put it ALL out there. Transparency like you wouldn't have believed. Then I changed my career and was strongly advised that this level of self-disclosure would not be healthy for my line of work. So, I erased the entire thing. I regret that today. Wish I would have saved it somewhere; it was my journal and it served me well. I'm dont with school now, so have to time to pick up blogging again. It really has been a great source of supoport for me.

    You do look mahhhvelous darling!! wtg, remember, ODAAT !!

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    1. I do it with the support of my online blogger buddies/biddies ;) and the mmabsers and Moderation Management message boards, I couldn't do it without them, believe me I tried for about 30 years. I do not attend AA or other face to face meetings, I addressed that in one of my early blogs and while the reasons have changed, I just don't feel like I need to make that part of my recovery at this point. My blog and the message boards have managed to make me accountable enough for me. I think I started this blog about the same time you started yours and I was really worried about the anonymity issue at first but since my drinking issue has transformed itself from a form of shame to a form of pride, I don't worry about it as much any more. Let me know when you start your blog, I suggest you do it right now, I can't wait to read it.

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  5. I am captivated by the first photo. Three distinct scenarios and everyone involved in their own worlds. I can see how the photo will serve as a good reminder of what booze does and how it creates tunnel vision.
    Kary May, you have given me hope today. And i think you are stunning, too! x

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  6. Ahhh, you guys. Thanks for the kind words.

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  7. Wow that first picture is pretty sad, just that vacant look on your face. I was thinking the other day about that drunk state when you really can't think, you just gaze and the brain can't form thoughts .. just kind of do basic things but not think properly. I am so happy for you and you look FAB-U-LOUS in that second pic!! Really healthy and happy and vibrant and alive. Just great. Isn't it so bloody awesome that we've managed to get ourselves to where we never knew we could be??!!!! Sometimes I'm amazed at myself that I've done it. Yay for you. Big love xxx

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  8. Aw, you look absolutely beautiful in the 'after' picture. The benefits of sobriety are endless, but especially amazing to see the physical proof.

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  9. I am mesmerized by the before and after pictures...this could be me. Every time I look at them I get emotional. Someone said on one of the sites that she was shocked to see an old picture of herself before she stopped drinking - that her eyes had no life in them. I definitely see this in your before picture and life radiating from them in the recent picture. Yes, I want this for myself! Thanks for all you do by sharing your story.

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    1. The first picture looks exactly like how I felt for most of the last two years of my drinking, lifeless. Except for my brief periods of abs. Thank God for those, they gave me a window into a life, I just had to find the door and walk through it.

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    2. Oh, and close the door to drinking behind me.

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  10. I found your post. You look sad up top. That's the difference. Otherwise, Lovely.

    Thanks for your stories. :)

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