Day 264 of Sobriety
Several people have mentioned that they don't "see" me on facebook as much as they used to. I tell them I'm too busy these days, which is true, I don't tell them that now that I'm not drinking I don't have those really profound thoughts that I feel I need to share with the world at the wee hours of the morning. Those profound thoughts that I didn't remember making the next morning. Those profound posts that I wished I would have deleted before anyone else saw.
These days I find myself writing out long responses on message boards and blogs. Then I stop and read through them and ask if what I wrote was helpful or necessary. Did I say anything that someone else hadn't already said? Or did I just want to "hear" myself "talk". Then I push the delete button. It may not seem like it to those that follow the same blogs or message boards as I, but I hit delete a lot these days.
That is one of the blessings that sobriety has given me, the blessing of forethought. The ability to think things through, weigh them, and judge them. The ability to put the brakes on.
Sometimes.
Yesterday I sent an email back to the HR department of my old hospital that I was going to work at this summer. I told them that I couldn't accept the position they were offering me at the wage they were offering me. I knew I should have waited until I heard back from some of those "feelers" I had put out to other hospitals. But my indignation and hurt pride at what I thought was a pitiful offer, forced my hand. What happened to that sense of gratitude I had felt that they were even amenable to hiring me back, that sense of relief that my relationship with alcohol hadn't ruined this work relationship?
I got some of my feelers back, the other hospitals are suspicious of someone that has been out of the work arena for almost two years, in the nursing profession substance abuse is always the first suspect. For the most part, rightly so.
I wish there was an unsend button.
I'll wait and see and if I have to humble myself and write my old hospital and say that I have reconsidered and that I am grateful for the opportunity they are giving me, I will. Humility is another blessing sobriety has given me.
Oh yes...drunk Facebooking...I am soooo familiar with that. Ugh!
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this. I too tend to feel like I need to "weigh in" on everything and I seem to be hitting delete more and more often.
Drunk Facebooking...HA!
Another thought provoking post K.M. I won't offer any unsolicited advice regarding your job offer, but I can't wait to hear what you decide! L
ReplyDeleteI want to comment on your blog, but have no idea how this comment thing works! (Never ever commented on anything before except facebook) So, this is the tester.
ReplyDeleteOne, two, three......
Well that was remarkably easy just had to prove I wasn't a robot.
ReplyDeleteYour blog saved me tonight from a bottle of gin (well and vodka AND rum) (w/a new blender, several cans of coconut juice and a fresh pineapple too sigh). Your journey has been rigorously documented! And I appreciate the opportunity to read about the ups and the downs and the "failures" and huge successes.
What I find so interesting is how your writing has changed over the past couple of years. When the time came for a very long stretch of sobriety, it was obvious you were already there. Your priorities had shifted!
I don't have the courage to write about my own struggles publicly, even writing this comment is a bit scary. But I have to chime in and say thank you.
1 cent regarding the job.....GOOD GOOD I've been dealing with all sorts of shifts and issues too and blah blah blah. Seems so much easier for men to take those stands professionally (who knows! Not to make sweeping generalizations but to make sweeping generalizations). Not drinking is one huge thing but it's also hugely important that we make other changes as well. Who knows maybe it's impossible, after doing a lot of work on yorself and making internal changes, to return to lower-energy situations. Or maybe it's just a shifting perspective that allow us to make different kinds of choices......
Dunno!
But, don't stress too too much! If you felt it - you did the right thing!
Yr co-writer has yr back anyhow, right?
As much good as my blog did you last night, your comment did the same for me this morning and who knows, some day a bottle of coconut rum and a can of pineapple juice may be calling my name (I started many of my days on the boat with a batch of Pusser's Painkillers, or a pitcher of Ms. Emily's Goombay Punch)and I will draw on your words to give me the strength to ignore their siren song. That's how this works. Because no matter how far we get or how long we go, we are always just one drink from ending up right back where we started. At least I am. Welcome, and the fear of bringing our problems into the maelstrom of the internet does fade but it never hurts to be cautious.
DeleteGlad to know someone else has received that same Delete Key blessing....me too friend. Grateful and sober I clank along learning and growing. Glad we're on that path together.
ReplyDeletePS Pray and wait and get busy living. The answer will come.
Amen. I think the answer did come, but of course, I had to meddle some. I'm glad our arms are linked on this path, too.
DeleteOh my goodness, the crap I've posted in various forums while drunk. Or texts I've messaged over the iPhone *shudders*
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I really hope your work situation will turn to your advantage soon *fingers crossed*