Resilience

"It's the constant and determined effort that breaks down all resistance, sweeps away all obstacles."
Overcoming Addiction Quote by Claude M. Bristol

Day 79

Okay, here’s my scenario.  I am supposed to be on a plane headed to Mexico bright and early Monday morning with 100+ pounds of toys for the kids in our little village.  I had a whole two weeks to get packed and get the house cleaned up for the winter, so of course me being me, I procrastinated until this week.  Then I decided I needed a new computer which entailed a trip to Denver and an overnight stay to get it all set up.  But that’s okay, I still had 5.5 days to pack and what idiot would dust her house before leaving it for six months? Then the cap’n got a call to work one day this week in a small town in the north part of the state which would also require one, maybe two, overnight stays and since we only have one car and I don’t relish being left up a mountain without transportation I would have to go with him.  He could have turned the work down but I have a new computer that has to be paid for.  I still had 3.5 days to pack. Plenty of time.  Then a blizzard decided to visit and it doesn’t look like I’m getting home until Saturday sometime, and we have to drive to Denver on Sunday because we fly out early Monday. 

You know what?  It will be okay.  There is always this mad dash when we are getting ready to head south for the winter.  No matter what happens, I know this year is going to be easier than ever before because I’m sober.  Would you like to hear about my experience last year at this time?  I didn’t blog about it because I was too ashamed but I can write about it now, even if it still turns my stomach and makes me want to cry.

Last year I decided to squeeze in one last visit with my precious grandson because I wouldn’t see him for 6 months.  My son, his dad, was stationed in Iraq and my daughter-in-law was at some sort of special training in CA and her stepfather was staying with my grandson while she was gone.  The capn and I drove up to see him for a couple of days.  I was lit when I got there.  I had been hungover when I got up that morning and I nursed Jack Daniels during the four hour drive to his house (the cap’n was driving).  But I was still functional, or so I thought.  We played cards all night, and I was hilarious and fun, or so I thought.  At about 3 am, I woke up and, of course, was sick.  I took Stanley, the blind killer bichon, out to the backyard to do his business while I knelt down on all fours behind their garage and puked my brains out.  I must have made some commotion because my daughter-in-law’s stepdad came to the back door to see what was going on.  I mumbled something incoherent as I pushed past him into the house.  The next morning my grandson had a soccer game and he was so proud to have me there, he’d turn around and wave at me in the stands about every 10 minutes and I’d try to smile and wave back.  I went down to the bathrooms twice to get sick.

The cap’n knew I was ruined and after the soccer game was over, we made some sorry excuse about why we had to leave suddenly.  I hope my grandson was too young to figure out the real reason why, but I know the step-granddad knew.  I was so ashamed and heartbroke over this (I still am), I swore I would never drink again.  But I did.

But I’m not drinking now.  And that’s what is important.  I made it on a plane south a few days after that visit.  I made it through a year of relapses, separated by longer and longer periods of sobriety.  I’ve had four visits with my grandson since then and I didn’t drink a drop.  I’ve made it through 79 consecutive days without alcohol. 

This ain’t that bad.  I’ll make it.

So today I’m just out there doing my best to persevere through rain, and snow, and dark of night and waiting for a break in the weather.