This is my story of my voyage with my Co-Writer, My Higher Power to sobriety via the internet. It was here that I reclaimed my life.
You have your own voyage to plot, your own stars to follow whether you choose my path or choose another with AA, or with one of the many fine addiction treatment centers
The important thing is that you do what you can. Now.
Abs Chat is focused on abstaining from alcohol—on a permanent basis, long-term, or even for a shorter period of time (like a 30!). Everyone is welcome to attend, and to participate, but we won't be discussing moderation techniques or plans. For discussions of moderate drinking, we invite you to participate in the Monday Night Book Chat or the Tuesday Night Online Meeting. So if you're abstaining, planning to, curious about it, wondering whether it would be a good idea, or just want to hang out for sober fun, stop by! See you there! http://www.moderation. org/chat/
** PLEASE NOTE: Abs Chat will be held in the Abs Chatroom. When logging in, use the drop-down box to select MM_Abs_Chat. If you wind up in the wrong room, you can move between rooms by clicking on the room list to the right of the chatroom screen. **
I've been trying to ease the "f" word out of vocabulary. Just like drinking until I fell down started seeming more pathetic than cute when I hit 45, cussing like a sailor seems like another desperate ploy to hang on to my youth. Time to realize that the ship has sailed and it ain't coming back no matter how many F-bombs I toss out. It just ain't who I'm aiming to fucking be these days. (I did say I was easing it out-slowly.)
But I'm giving myself a break from sanctity today, I need to staunch the blood flow from my nose that these lofty heights have brought about, and I couldn't help stealing this post from my friend, Jim, over at As Jim Sees It. He didn't post it on his blog, he posted it on facebook. He is one of the most fucking funny guys I have ever heard and I read his posts daily just to laugh.
Here's a dose of Jim to prove my point and the good thing about this dose of Jim is that you won't have to follow it up with a round of antibiotics. ;)
Jim, if you sue me for copyright infringement, you're going to be sorely disappointed in the rewards, the cap'n had been washing paper plates for years.
"Dating is hard. Relationships are hard. Marriage is hard. Marriage is so hard Nelson Mandela got a divorce. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in a South African prison getting tortured and beaten every day of his life for 27 years. He got out of jail, spent 6 months with his wife and said: "I can't take this shit!!!"
"Instead of a condom, I keep a moist towlette in my wallet, because I run into buffalo wings a lot more often than sex."
Skunk Ape: a tall, hairy, upright-walking creature that smells like a black-striped funky-smelling creature and it appears to be coming out a little more often.
I have been in a funk lately. There seem to be so many things I don't like about me and my life right now. Don't worry, I'm not going to list them. Oh, how I miss the days when just waking up without a hangover seemed like a brand new resurrection every morning.
I think I need a day of indulgence. A day spent reading a book or binge watching Grey's Anatomy and eating potato chips and dip without guilt. Anybody have any ideas on how to do that? I find myself telling myself all day long, "No, you can't do that, you need to do this." Being told "No" all the time is making me cranky and my inner six year old is throwing a tantrum and refusing to do what she's supposed to be doing anyway. So I'm stuck between not doing what I want and not doing what I need to do, which means I'm not doing anything.
This, too, shall pass.
I just need to move in one direction or another.
Wow! Such words of wisdom today. Hey, sobriety is not always profound. Sometimes it's funky.
I do have one ray of sunshine to pass on. A friend of mine over at Moderation Management has just started a blog, ModeratelySober. If you're going for moderation instead of permanent abstinence from alcohol, check it out. The author has been successful moderating for a year now, so it can be done.
For some.
Not all.
How do you know if you're one of the Some?
I think the best way to tell is to try moderation under the guidelines and with the support of a group like MM. This is not without risk. Just like those who choose permanent abstinence from alcohol, MM'ers are not immediately successful and tend to experience the same old waffling and shuffling and falling flat on their faces and rising up again that we all do in this sobriety game. That can be dangerous for those who are physically addicted to booze, like I was.
But, as stated above, the back and forth, and careening into trees happens when people head directly toward permanent abstinence without passing through Moderationville, too. I view my year attempting moderation as that same erratic time in early sobriety that is testified to by many bloggers who are pursuing abstinence. A time of questioning of whether I really needed to stop. I guess, for me, it seemed that if I had a guidebook in hand and a bunch of people telling me which way to go instead of just wondering around in the forest on my own, and I still couldn't find my way out of that f'ing forest, I needed to quit going in there before something large and hairy ate me.
The more insidious danger, of attempting moderation for those that will not succeed, The Not All Gang, is getting trapped in that forest and thinking that because they've managed to survive and not get eaten by a big hairy sharp toothed creature, we should stay in the f'ing forest and keep trying. Sometimes harm reduction keeps us from getting to the increase in good that is waiting for us outside of the forest in the sunlit meadow. We survive, but we don't thrive.
Oh yeah, the sunlit meadow. That's where I am.
Thank You, for reminding me.
P.S. Successful moderate drinkers can reach the sunlit meadow, too. The author of ModeratelySober is here. But if you've been stuck in that f'ing forest so long that you're starting to grow moss in your fecund dewy parts, put down the drink and come enjoy the sun for awhile.
Hi all,
I'll be hosting Abs Chat Tonight at the MM Chatroom. Abs Chat is for anyone who is absing for any amount of time, anyone who is curious about absing. Sorry, absing, is MM lingo for not drinking. Over at MM we believe that sobriety can also be reached by successful moderation for some.
But Wednesday nights are all about not drinking at the MM chatroom and no talk of moderation is allowed.
So if you want to chat. lurk or just hang out so you don't drink, stop by. Here's the info and link.
Abs Chat Tonight!
Abs Chat is focused on abstaining from alcohol—on a permanent basis, long-term, or even for a shorter period of time (like a 30!). Everyone is welcome to attend, and to participate, but we won't be discussing moderation techniques or plans. For discussions of moderate drinking, we invite you to participate in the Monday Night Book Chat or the Tuesday Night Online Meeting. So if you're abstaining, planning to, curious about it, wondering whether it would be a good idea, or just want to hang out for sober fun, stop by! See you there! http://www.moderation. org/chat/
** PLEASE NOTE: Abs Chat will be held in the Abs Chatroom. When logging in, use the drop-down box to select MM_Abs_Chat. If you wind up in the wrong room, you can move between rooms by clicking on the room list to the right of the chatroom screen. **
Okay, I admit it, when others post videos on their blogs or on the message boards I prowl, I usually skip right over them. But do yourself a favor, and watch this one. The name of it is Who We Are When We Are Not Addicted: The Possible Human, and it answered so many questions I had in my struggle to reach sobriety and so many questions I have right now.
I think the thing that hit me to the core is when Dr. Mate said that he is a firm supporter of twelve step programs, but he is uncomfortable when someone stands up and says, "Hi, my name is -----and I'm an alcoholic" because that is not who that person is.
I identify myself as many things. I am a woman. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a nurse. And I am an alcoholic. But that is not really who I am. Those are roles that I play or have played and they have contributed to who I am. But they have not made me into those things.
When I was drinking, I can remember, time and time again, holding my head in my hands and saying, "This is not who I am. This is not me." It wasn't. And I didn't want what I was doing to myself to deform who I was. But I kept drinking and it did deform or reform who I am.
Who am I?
I can tell you who I think I am right now, but that still is not me at my essence.
I am someone who is good. I am someone who wants to make life better, for me, for others, for nature, for God. But I am still someone who relies too much on others opinions of me and it suppresses the real me. I am still someone who is attached too much to approval and reward even when I'm doing what I think is good and right.
I found this video today while doing my daily exercise in avoidance of doing what I think I should be doing. I'd gone to youtube to find the playlist that is supposed to make me feel positive and energetic, the one I listen to when I try to write. I happened to see a Russell Brand video of when he is talking to some legislative body about why he is against the decriminalization of drugs and that held my attention for a bit. Then I happened to see the link to this video and followed it. Usually, when I see any video that is an hour long, I pass right by it, but I was in serious avoidance mode.
I'm glad I did. It validated so many of the things that I have found to be true in sobriety. That it does no good to reason with your addicted brain, that you have to tap into that inner you, the one that you know is there and screaming, "This isn't me!" That alcohol and addiction is just another veil we put up between us and the world. That we don't want to grow up and deal with the world.
That the biggest loss in our life comes not from our parents not loving us enough or abusing us but the fact that we suppressed our inner selves, those selves that they did not love, so they would love us.
My parents loved me. I've never blamed them for my drinking. I blame the fact that I was a shy, awkward, smart kid that grew to be a shy, awkward, smart adolescent and we all know that our society does not honor this. We are expected to be outgoing and vibrant and witty. For awhile I did a pretty good job at acting like I was all those things, but it was an act. Then I found booze. Instant exuberance elixir.
And I stayed stuck right there at awkward and ungainly in my mind's eye, unless I was drinking, until I got sober.
Then the real me took a deep breath and stepped out onto the stage. I was terrified that no one would like me. That I wouldn't like myself. And you know what? There are things I don't like about myself. But I can't explain the ease of life and the rightness of it, now that I am living it as myself.
I wish I was at the Possible Me. Someone who saw herself as someone that has something to offer that no one else has. And that something is beautiful and shining just as it is. That it is just as good as what anyone else has to offer. That it does not need someone else's approval or admiration to make it shine.
That something is me!
This video gave me a lot of courage to become the possible me and the insight that if I don't allow myself to be the possible me, in the fullest most unbridled sense possible, I am depriving the world.
I'm obviously not there yet, because I really think I should go back and delete the last five words of the last sentence.
As some of you know, for the last two months I have been in the process of writing a book. No, not that old book, a brand new one. This one is a Guide to online recovery communities. It includes the blogging community and I have contacted several of you when I have read one of your blogs that I thought spoke to a certain population of the community and asked if I could include it along with your own description of how blogging has helped you in your journey to sobriety. It is my goal with this book to not only allow the reader to hear my own voice but to provide a selection of voices so they can find the one they most relate to. I am including blogs from bloggers who moderate, bloggers in early sobriety (1-3 months), 6 months, a year, three years, and beyond. I am also including bloggers who have relied on other programs along with their blog, including AA, rehab, or outpatient therapy. I wish I could include all of the wonderful blogs that I follow, but I have limited space. Many of the bloggers that I have contacted have graciously agreed to join me in my endeavor, but I am still looking for bloggers who are in early recovery and bloggers who have used out patient therapy or rehab. Also, if you have used another means of therapy or have a unique perception of recovery, I'd love to include you also. If I cannot use your entire blog, I will try to use your insight in another section of the guide and, of course, provide a live link back to your blog. I am also planning a future book called "Keeper," which will include snippets and quotes of wisdom that I've gathered from the blogosphere and message boards if you have any favorite quotes or words of wisdom that you would like to share to help others on this trek..
**My only rule for submissions is that they cannot criticize or be derogatory of other means of recovery.
***If you would like to contribute, please email me at karymayhickey@gmail.com. I would like to have submissions by the end of this month for my current book.
Online recovery websites and forums are a very important part of my journey so, of course, they are included in my book also. I am reviewing several websites that offer a full range of services such as forums or discussion boards, chatrooms and other unique amenities. Several of the websites have offered support and have provided additional info.
The working title of the book is Neighbor Kary May's Homebody Travel Guide to Sobriety. That's a mouthful, I know, (I'm up for suggestions) but I want to emphasize that most of us try by ourselves for a long time before we realize that we need "neighbors" to help us out and that we can find those neighbors without ever leaving our houses. Some of you were able to take yourselves to meetings or therapy, but I wasn't, and there are many others like me out there. That doesn't mean we don't want it bad enough. For some of us online communities will be enough, but for others, online "neighbors" will open the doors to more traditional programs. Sobriety is the most monumental journey of our life and the book outlines what to pack for the trip and what to leave behind and suggestions for the reader's toolboxes. It also outlines what to expect along the way, that is where the different blogs from different periods of sobriety come in.
If any of you want to share an insight that you thought made a significant difference in your own journey, I can't wait to hear about it and share it with others.
As I read through the blogs in the last week, I tried to remember when I knew that "this time was the last time" so I went back to read my posts four years ago when I decided that I was DONE!
Here is the post I wrote the day after I declared that I was no longer going to try to moderate. I relapsed once after that, but that's a whole 'nother fucked up story.
IT
Day 12 Someone on the Moderation Management List asked me to write more about why I decided to permanently abs instead of continuing to try my hand at moderating. I've been putting off writing this blog all morning because the commitment I made yesterday still scares me and I have moments where I wish I could take it back and because the reasons are so many and some of them are so hard to put into words. But I'll try. Here goes. It just doesn't make any sense anymore. As I said on the WFS (Women for Sobriety) message board yesterday. I'm a smart woman but I have continued to let alcohol fool me. "It's" good at it. For a long time, "it" masqueraded as my best friend. "It" was always there when I need "It". If I was lonely, "It" kept me company. If I was sad, "It" made me laugh. When I felt awkward, "It" gave me confidence and when I doubted myself, "It" reassured me. When I was afraid, "It" gave me courage. "It" was there through the good and the bad times. Then "It" turned on me. "It" made me lonely. "It "made me sad. " It" made me awkward. "It" made me doubt myself. "It" made me afraid. "It" physically and emotionally abused me. But like the abusive spouse to which "It" is often compared, "It" kept drawing me back with the promise that "It" would stop hurting me and it would be good between us again. "It" never lived up to its promise. The abuse got worse and "It" told me I couldn't live without "It", that nobody wanted me or liked me without "It". I found out "It" was wrong. I opened the door to the prison in which "It" held me and saw another world out there waiting for me. I got brave enough to step outside a time or two but something would always scare me, or make me sad, or lonely, or unsure, or sad and I would run back inside to "It". But it was too late. I'd had a glimpse of that other world I wanted to see more of it. I kept sneaking through the door and I started going further and further. I still got sad, and scared, and lonely and unsure but not as much as when I lived with "It". I found out that others still liked me and wanted me and I started liking myself again. When I used to be in one of my recovery modes, half of me praying that I didn't die and the other half hoping that I would, my husband would say, "I want my wife back." I want her back too. So I've closed the door and I've left my key behind. It's time to move.
When I was driving around this morning trying to pinpoint the main reason that I feel this time is "the time" for me my Co-Writer nudged me and said,
"I have a purpose for you and it sure as hell isn't living your life as a drunk."
I started crying and I knew that was the main reason that I'm not going to risk my life again.
So today I'm out there doing my best to fulfill my purpose and live up to my potential.
