Fucking Sober!

I just had to share this this morning.  The cap'n's oldest son and wife are here and we met with a bunch of friends down at our favorite little corner restaurante last night for salbutes.  This place is just a little outside stand with a few plastic tables and chairs, they don't sell beer but if you want one, someone will run over to the bar across the street and get you one, but we usually bring a little cooler full of beer for those that wish to imbibe.  Which I Don't!

We were dispersing for the evening and one of my friends made a comment bemoaning the fact either that he'd feel like shit in the morning or that hed suffer from some other malady visited upon him because of booze.

I made the chirpy comment, "Not me."  (God, I used to hate people like me).

To which he roared, "Yeah, cuz you're Fucking Sober."

To which I replied, "Yeah, and tomorrow morning everyone is going to wish they were me."

It sucks to be me. It really does.

Not.

P.S. My daughter-in-law made it through the surgery without any problems and we will know on Tuesday if any of the lymph nodes were involved.  Right now it is looking like they caught this very early, probably due to the fact that she just had a baby and was getting regular check-ups.  The only thing that has us really worried is the vicious aggressiveness of this type of cancer (small cell neuroendocrine cervical cancer).  Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.

No Matter What

“I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ----Maya Angelou

I made the comment on the MM board the other day, that finally it comes down to making the vow, "no matter what" and sticking to it.  I said I knew how restrictive that sounded, but in fact it is so freeing.  "No matter what" I will never again have to worry about being stricken immobile from the remorse caused by drunken disregard, never again will I be too sick from a hangover or too inebriated to pay attention to those people or those things that need my utmost attention.  Never again will I be so shrouded and wrapped in my own despair over my drinking that I take no notice of others' pain.  I can finally reach out, I can finally throw something back into the game of life.

My daughter-in-law, the capn's youngest son's wife,  was diagnosed with a rare, very aggressive form of cervical cancer last week.  Cat scans and MRI show no spread, but she will have surgery tomorrow and we will see if it has spread to the lymph system.  Regardless, because of the aggressiveness of this form of cancer, she will have radiation and chemo.  The five year survival rate, from what I can glean from google searches, is around 30%.  She has two boys,five and ten months.

All I am able to do now is pray, and I can do that with all my being.  But should she call on me for anything else, I will be there, I told her I was "free" anytime she needed me.

If you are of the praying sort, please keep her and her young family in your prayers, if you don't pray, I firmly believe good thoughts and wishes have as much heft.

Thank you.

NA Beer article

 

A fellow member of mmabsers shared this article the other day and I loved it, but what I found even more interesting was to go to the original site and read the attacks on the attacks on the author.  There's still a lot of people swimming in that big ol' river of Denial.

Here's the link to the original article: http://www.vice.com/read/why-non-alcoholic-beer-is-the-best-kind?source=vice_iphone_app

 

Why Non-Alcoholic Beer Is the Best Kind

By Ben Johnson

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I haven’t had any alcohol for a year. I’m not sure I can recommend sobriety for everybody, but it did OK things for me. I don’t blame my problems on other people as much. I can finish a higher percentage of the things I start. If I don’t like something, I generally don’t do it. I go to bed early. I read books.
My life is less “fun.” That’s OK. Fun is people yelling boring stuff at each other more often than not. Fun is pretending there’s no such thing as death, or even human-scale consequences. Fun is a lie. Fun is overrated. Fun is a gaggle of 14 year olds on a 3 AM trip to Walmart daring each other to wear the Super Mario pajamas and the Barbie tiara to the checkout line and “acting casual” about it with their loudest most gratingly desperate uncasual voices while your credit card is declined and Ivan the checkout clerk with the lazy eye is sighing through his nose. Fun is waking up the next morning covered in clown makeup and wondering who you are and how bad it is.
Why did I quit drinking? I had my reasons. The reasons involved doing horrible things to nice people, and being on the receiving end of unfunny wisecracks in the back of a police car, and having concerned family members show up to kick my skull in. Not to be melodramatic or anything. My biggest reason for not drinking was to kill off the drunk version of myself. I built him up too big and let him start making decisions for me because I’m a chickenshit, and he repaid me with an appropriate degree of contempt for my personhood. OK, but I’m stubborn and contrarian enough to insist on the last word. So it’s the dry life for me, and that grinning whiskey-filled malicious bastard can hang.
I am learning things.
Like do you know what’s great? Non-alcoholic beer. It’s such a fantastic invention. You can drink it and drink it and drink it and you won’t feel a THING. It’s like drinking beer’s lawyer. Instead of getting all drunk you just need to pee a lot and then you start yawning and you realize that all alcohol usually does for you is allow you to sit in the same place jabbering about nothing for four hours with people you’re not even sure you like (one of them is you). As far as I’m concerned, it’s a recipe for a perfect night.
Imagine this scenario: you meet up with people, drink something that signifies “beer” just enough for you to relax and be social, converse for an hour or two without saying anything particularly mean or funny or interesting, and then once your ass gets sore and you realize you’ve had about enough of the human experience for one night, you leave and go home and read a book in bed until you fall asleep at 11 PM, one day closer to the sweet release of death, substituting for contentment with the momentary relief of not having fucked anything up too badly for anybody today. Repeat forever. It’s not bad, you guys. Not bad at all.
My current favorite beer is Clausthaler. It tastes like sand-flavored soda. I love it so much I could drink like four of them in a week. Any more than that and I get a headache. As sensory experiences go, there’s nothing better in the world than opening up an ice cold Clausthaler, taking that first big swig, realizing this is the price you’re paying for being an actual human being, and choking half to death on regret and loss.
I recommend it to somebody. I recommend it to myself. That’s enough. And I would probably also recommend it to anybody currently coming unglued without knowing it. You don’t want to know it, guys. It sucks to know it.

Getting The Answers We Want...Or Do We?

So as you know, I've been filling out job applications for nurse staffing agencies.  Just a quick primer on nurse staffing agencies for those not in the biz, as an experienced nurse you can apply to several agencies and they will submit you for temporary jobs, usually 13 week assignments, and if you are hired all housing is paid, most of the income is non-taxable because you have to travel more than 50 miles or so to complete the assignment, you are paid a stipend.....In a nutshell, you can make a lot of money, for a nurse, or at least a lot more money than you make working for a hospital and you don't have to work full-time.

So....while I'd much rather sit on my ass, as I have been doing for the last umpteen years and leech off the cap'n, there are drawbacks to that, which I have addressed in this blog before.  Lack of independence, lack of self-worth, lack of sufficient funds to spoil grandkids with....

So....the perfect job came along. Forty miles away from my hometown where I worked this summer, small hospital, since I don't really want to be challenged at this stage or age, and I've actually worked there before, eons ago.  Close to two kids, close to one grandson, close to friends...  And one of my friends has a daughter that has an apartment she wants to sublease in this community. Cheap. 

 So perfect!

But...there's always a but.

There are things I still want to do down here in Mexico this year, more travel, more time with friends, more fundraisers for next year's Chelem Christmas.  All very self-serving endeavors, well, except for the toy drive.  And I am willing to sacrifice them, begrudgingly.

Except....there's always a few of those too.  There is one thing I am doing that I am not ready to talk about yet.  I've always wanted to do it. I've always felt that I was meant to do it.  I've attempted it several times.  But I've never accomplished it.  It feels like it is time.  It feels like something my Co-writer wants me to do.  I've been doing it in these last few weeks since Christmas and I can't even begin to explain the difference in this attempt.  The rightness.  The times that I have been absolutely been blown away by it.

I could probably still do it and take one of these temporary jobs, but would I?

So....Yesterday I had a talk with my Co-writer and said, "For once could you give me a straight forward answer?  None of these ambivalent, wishy-washy answers that I have to try and figure out what it is that you want me to do.  If you want me to take this job instead of dedicating the next few months to this thing "we've" been doing, just check the box.  Yes, or No.

So....I had a phone interview with the director of the OR of this hospital yesterday and I hung up feeling confident.

But....I didn't get the job.  She told the recruiter that she was concerned about my seemed inexperience in endoscopy (colonscopes and gastroscopes).  Now there are other areas of surgery (hearts and heads), I might have understood this but I can say with out batting an eye that I have probably done 999,000 endoscopes in my career.  What is she looking for? A nice round million?

So....I got my answer.

Didn't I?

So why am I scurrying around this morning, all hurt pride and shit, filling out more applications, sending more emails to more agencies?

Why am I afraid of the answer?

Please feel free to opine.

Hungover

I was going to string you along and talk about my going to a bar yesterday and let you think, just for a minute, that I had once again taken the plunge back into boozedom on my return to Mexico yesterday (I didn't) but then I read a post this morning by a fellow traveler on this treacherous journey who relapsed recently after 18 months of sobriety and it didn't seem so funny anymore.  This person's story is truly tragic and if they have any "yets" left, I can't imagine what they'd be.

It just goes to show that no matter how far we remove ourselves from alcohol or how deep we fall into its depths, we are never immune to its insidious nature.

No, I'm not hungover from booze, instead I am suffering from a run-of-the-mill travel hangover.  A full day of travel on Monday and I'm still wiped out on Wednesday. Plus, I threw away all my hard work on the no-sugar, no caffeine treatise I had issued for my body and I'm sure the overload is compounding the sluggishness.

Yesterday as I was struggling with the lock on our gate and getting frustrated by the simple task, my tiredness making everything seem Herculean monumental, I realized that I used to feel this very same way almost every single day.  Just a short 18 months or so ago.

Why?

Re: the picture of the Camote (sweet potato) above and the bar I went to yesterday.  My favorite place for camarones empanizada down here is a local fishermen's bar called Camote's.  Camote, himself, is a fisherman and local legend has it that his nickname is derived from the camote's resemblance to a certain part of his anatomy.  (That's an image I could live without).

Anyway I was kind of congratulating myself on the fact that I made a few phone calls and pretty soon we had three tables lined up in this bar full of mi amigos drinking beer and eating fried fish in all of its forms.  Kind of proud that the gal who no longer imbibes can still get the party rolling.

And, if I may add, never even thought about having a drink.

Then I read that post this morning.

Just because the giant is sleeping, doesn't mean its not still dangerous.  It's always laying in wait.

A Malpracticed Life

Have you ever had any disciplinary action taken against any of your licenses?

yes* no*

Are you currently under investigation or pending discipline from any Board of Nursing jursidiction?

yes* no*

Have you ever been named as a defendant in a malpractice claim?

yes* no*

Have you ever been convicted of, or entered a plea of guilty, nolo contendere, or no contest to, a crime in any jurisdiction other than a minor traffic offense? You must include all misdemeanors and felonies, even if adjudication was withheld. Driving under the influence (DUI) or driving while impaired (DWI) is not a minor traffic offense for purposes of this question.

yes* no*

If you answered 'yes' to any of the questions above, please provide a detailed explanation, including all misdemeanors and felonies, even if adjudication was withheld. Driving under the influence (DUI) or driving while impaired (DWI) is not a minor traffic offense for purposes of this question.

___________________________________________________________________________________


I have been filling out applications to go to work for nursing travel agencies for the last 3 days.  You can't imagine the relief I feel that I am able to mark all the above questions " no."  Relieved and humbled and guilty.  I don't deserve to be able to mark those little round "no" dots.  If the questions had asked  "Have you ever driven drunk or impaired?" That little "yes" dot would be marked.  If they'd asked have you ever malpracticed?  My answer would have to be, "Yes, I malpracticed every time I came to work hungover or with traces of last night's booze in my blood and brain and I was unable to dedicate my full faculties and concentration and care to my patients.  I malpracticed for all of my 30 years as a nurse because even if I wasn't hungover or legally impaired, I now know that booze leaves a lingering haze of apathy long after any physical proof of it's presence has been leached out.

And, yes, I should have had disciplinary action and yes I should have had malpractice suits.

I just didn't get caught.  I flew under the radar.

And I believed that I was a damn good nurse.

If I'd ever been caught, my life as I know it, would not be.

And that's just my professional life.

I malpracticed every day of my personal life, too.

I practiced the same disregard for others, my family, friends, and strangers on the street.  I put them in harms way everyday.

Once again, I just didn't get caught

Does that matter?

The harmful effects on them, the harmful effects on my patients were the same, whether I got caught or not.

I relied, I sat in wait, for that validation, that DUI, that reprimand from the boss, when I already knew what I was doing was wrong.

Why did I do that?

Thank God, I finally made the decision to stop without any of those validations.  Would they have made a difference?  Maybe not on my past, but they sure would have limited my future.  A future I am so undeserving of.  I am obligated to honor that privilege fully.

Thank you, God.  Show me the way.

P.S.  If you are sitting in wait for that gavel to come down that convicts you of being guilty.  Stop! Stop right now, because that gavel is a sledgehammer to your future!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shit We Leave Behind

 When there is no wind, you have to row.

“Recovery feels like shit. It didn't feel like I was doing something good; it felt like I was giving up. It feels like having to learn how to walk all over again.”
― Portia de Rossi

“You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake

 “You were born a child of light’s wonderful secret— you return to the beauty you have always been.”
― Aberjhani, Visions of a Skylark Dressed in Black

I keep looking behind me, checking for something I've forgotten, it's this niggling feeling that's supposed to be there, but it's gone.  Really.  I keep stopping myself, thinking, "What did I forget?  Something's missing."

I first noticed it when the phone would ring.  My mind kept looking for a reason not to answer it, there was none.   I kept waiting for a feeling of dread to creep over me.  There was none of that either.

I noticed it several times when I was getting ready for Santa to come to Chelem.  I kept checking my To Do lists, but I couldn't find anything else that I needed to get done.  I'd taken care of everything I needed to take care of.

I noticed it when I flew back here to the states.  I checked my bags over and over.

 Passport-check

Visa-check

Stanley's papers-check

Money-check

....

Everything I needed was there, and two weeks later, I still haven't found anything I forgot to bring.

I noticed it at Christmas at my son's house.  All the presents were wrapped, everyone was remembered, there was no last minute dash to the mall.  Ok, I'm lying about that, I did forget that I was supposed to pick-out the gift for my granddaughter from her Uncle.  God, it felt good to say, "Oh shit! I forgot." and know that was all that I needed to say. No cover-ups, no excuses, no racking my brain and then beating myself up that, once again, I'd been too drunk to remember.

That's when I was able to put my finger on what was missing. A heavy carry-on bag full of shit, and that's exactly what it is worthless, heavy, "hard to tote" shit.

Guilt.

Shame.

Panic.

Remorse.

Fear.

Worry.

And a whole shitload more of the heavy shit that drags you down.

I've done what I need to do, I've unloaded the guilt and made the apologies I need to make. I kept waiting for "the conversation" with my sons' at Christmas, you know, the one where they gang-up and ask why I kept drinking so long when I knew it was hurting them.  It never came.  I've had the conversation with each of them individually and I guess that's good enough for them. Check that one off my list.  There is nothing in my backpack that I need to hide or sneak through, including booze.  Again, been there, done that.

Sure, I still have things I want to do. But I'm no longer afraid that I'm unable to do them, or at least try my damnedest to get 'em done.  The biggest thing on my To-Do list this year is to bring my middle son back into the core of our family, he's drifting away and I've got to do this before he gets out of reach.  I know it's not all up to me, but I'm strong enough now to stand up for him, to him, and, hopefully, with him.

And I have the reassurance that I will.

It's an incredible lightness of being.  Indescribable.  Really.

P.S.  And now a few words about the not so incredible lightness of my physical being.  I've stuck pretty well to the Atkins diet and the sugar cravings have abated.  However...I am not following the no artificial sweeteners rule.  Gotta put that on the list for later on, after I conquer the caffeine withdrawals, which I'm doing pretty well with.  I'm down to about two caffeine drinks a day, I was drinking Diet Pepsi con caffeine from the time I got up in the morning until I went to bed at night.  Now I've switched to the decaf version until I feel that bitch of a headache coming on, then I'll let myself have some caffeine and it goes away.  BTW, if you're not avoiding artificial sweeteners, the Atkins have a whole line of new frozen meals and snack and breakfast bars that are really, really good.  Just don't eat too much of them because the sugar alcohols will give you the shits big time. (Anybody counting how many times I've used the word shit in this blog, I think I might get an award or something.) Also, Braums still has their wonderful Carb Smart Ice Cream. (I'm such a Cheatah!) which will also give you the shits.  But it's worth it. No scales here, but I do feel a whole shitload lighter.

And now a few words about getting physically stronger.  The hotel we're staying at has a workout room and I got on the elliptical machine the other evening.  OMG!  That thing is diabolical.  Don't laugh, but I was only able to do 2 minutes on it and I thought my heart was going to burst.  I think there's something wrong with their machine though,  I have it on the lowest setting and it creaks and groans the whole time.  Oh wait, that was me.  LOL