Shit We Leave Behind

 When there is no wind, you have to row.

“Recovery feels like shit. It didn't feel like I was doing something good; it felt like I was giving up. It feels like having to learn how to walk all over again.”
― Portia de Rossi

“You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake

 “You were born a child of light’s wonderful secret— you return to the beauty you have always been.”
― Aberjhani, Visions of a Skylark Dressed in Black

I keep looking behind me, checking for something I've forgotten, it's this niggling feeling that's supposed to be there, but it's gone.  Really.  I keep stopping myself, thinking, "What did I forget?  Something's missing."

I first noticed it when the phone would ring.  My mind kept looking for a reason not to answer it, there was none.   I kept waiting for a feeling of dread to creep over me.  There was none of that either.

I noticed it several times when I was getting ready for Santa to come to Chelem.  I kept checking my To Do lists, but I couldn't find anything else that I needed to get done.  I'd taken care of everything I needed to take care of.

I noticed it when I flew back here to the states.  I checked my bags over and over.

 Passport-check

Visa-check

Stanley's papers-check

Money-check

....

Everything I needed was there, and two weeks later, I still haven't found anything I forgot to bring.

I noticed it at Christmas at my son's house.  All the presents were wrapped, everyone was remembered, there was no last minute dash to the mall.  Ok, I'm lying about that, I did forget that I was supposed to pick-out the gift for my granddaughter from her Uncle.  God, it felt good to say, "Oh shit! I forgot." and know that was all that I needed to say. No cover-ups, no excuses, no racking my brain and then beating myself up that, once again, I'd been too drunk to remember.

That's when I was able to put my finger on what was missing. A heavy carry-on bag full of shit, and that's exactly what it is worthless, heavy, "hard to tote" shit.

Guilt.

Shame.

Panic.

Remorse.

Fear.

Worry.

And a whole shitload more of the heavy shit that drags you down.

I've done what I need to do, I've unloaded the guilt and made the apologies I need to make. I kept waiting for "the conversation" with my sons' at Christmas, you know, the one where they gang-up and ask why I kept drinking so long when I knew it was hurting them.  It never came.  I've had the conversation with each of them individually and I guess that's good enough for them. Check that one off my list.  There is nothing in my backpack that I need to hide or sneak through, including booze.  Again, been there, done that.

Sure, I still have things I want to do. But I'm no longer afraid that I'm unable to do them, or at least try my damnedest to get 'em done.  The biggest thing on my To-Do list this year is to bring my middle son back into the core of our family, he's drifting away and I've got to do this before he gets out of reach.  I know it's not all up to me, but I'm strong enough now to stand up for him, to him, and, hopefully, with him.

And I have the reassurance that I will.

It's an incredible lightness of being.  Indescribable.  Really.

P.S.  And now a few words about the not so incredible lightness of my physical being.  I've stuck pretty well to the Atkins diet and the sugar cravings have abated.  However...I am not following the no artificial sweeteners rule.  Gotta put that on the list for later on, after I conquer the caffeine withdrawals, which I'm doing pretty well with.  I'm down to about two caffeine drinks a day, I was drinking Diet Pepsi con caffeine from the time I got up in the morning until I went to bed at night.  Now I've switched to the decaf version until I feel that bitch of a headache coming on, then I'll let myself have some caffeine and it goes away.  BTW, if you're not avoiding artificial sweeteners, the Atkins have a whole line of new frozen meals and snack and breakfast bars that are really, really good.  Just don't eat too much of them because the sugar alcohols will give you the shits big time. (Anybody counting how many times I've used the word shit in this blog, I think I might get an award or something.) Also, Braums still has their wonderful Carb Smart Ice Cream. (I'm such a Cheatah!) which will also give you the shits.  But it's worth it. No scales here, but I do feel a whole shitload lighter.

And now a few words about getting physically stronger.  The hotel we're staying at has a workout room and I got on the elliptical machine the other evening.  OMG!  That thing is diabolical.  Don't laugh, but I was only able to do 2 minutes on it and I thought my heart was going to burst.  I think there's something wrong with their machine though,  I have it on the lowest setting and it creaks and groans the whole time.  Oh wait, that was me.  LOL