Getting The Answers We Want...Or Do We?

So as you know, I've been filling out job applications for nurse staffing agencies.  Just a quick primer on nurse staffing agencies for those not in the biz, as an experienced nurse you can apply to several agencies and they will submit you for temporary jobs, usually 13 week assignments, and if you are hired all housing is paid, most of the income is non-taxable because you have to travel more than 50 miles or so to complete the assignment, you are paid a stipend.....In a nutshell, you can make a lot of money, for a nurse, or at least a lot more money than you make working for a hospital and you don't have to work full-time.

So....while I'd much rather sit on my ass, as I have been doing for the last umpteen years and leech off the cap'n, there are drawbacks to that, which I have addressed in this blog before.  Lack of independence, lack of self-worth, lack of sufficient funds to spoil grandkids with....

So....the perfect job came along. Forty miles away from my hometown where I worked this summer, small hospital, since I don't really want to be challenged at this stage or age, and I've actually worked there before, eons ago.  Close to two kids, close to one grandson, close to friends...  And one of my friends has a daughter that has an apartment she wants to sublease in this community. Cheap. 

 So perfect!

But...there's always a but.

There are things I still want to do down here in Mexico this year, more travel, more time with friends, more fundraisers for next year's Chelem Christmas.  All very self-serving endeavors, well, except for the toy drive.  And I am willing to sacrifice them, begrudgingly.

Except....there's always a few of those too.  There is one thing I am doing that I am not ready to talk about yet.  I've always wanted to do it. I've always felt that I was meant to do it.  I've attempted it several times.  But I've never accomplished it.  It feels like it is time.  It feels like something my Co-writer wants me to do.  I've been doing it in these last few weeks since Christmas and I can't even begin to explain the difference in this attempt.  The rightness.  The times that I have been absolutely been blown away by it.

I could probably still do it and take one of these temporary jobs, but would I?

So....Yesterday I had a talk with my Co-writer and said, "For once could you give me a straight forward answer?  None of these ambivalent, wishy-washy answers that I have to try and figure out what it is that you want me to do.  If you want me to take this job instead of dedicating the next few months to this thing "we've" been doing, just check the box.  Yes, or No.

So....I had a phone interview with the director of the OR of this hospital yesterday and I hung up feeling confident.

But....I didn't get the job.  She told the recruiter that she was concerned about my seemed inexperience in endoscopy (colonscopes and gastroscopes).  Now there are other areas of surgery (hearts and heads), I might have understood this but I can say with out batting an eye that I have probably done 999,000 endoscopes in my career.  What is she looking for? A nice round million?

So....I got my answer.

Didn't I?

So why am I scurrying around this morning, all hurt pride and shit, filling out more applications, sending more emails to more agencies?

Why am I afraid of the answer?

Please feel free to opine.