Thursday, March 8, 2012

4:00 pm

“Everything in the universe has a rhythm, everything dances. ”
Maya Angelou

Day 177
I have a lot of catchin’ up and a lot of ‘splainin’ to do but I can’t do it all at once.  Well, I guess I could, but I won’t, I’ll just start with the last few days.

I went to Chichen Itza and I was so excited and full of anticipation before we left, I just knew I would be filled with wonder and awe at its mysticism and majesty.  And I was except…the cap’n and I went with another couple and our housekeeper and the whole time I kept thinking, “I wish I was here by myself.”

Don’t get me wrong, I love everyone that went with me and I had fun and a lot of laughs with them but they get to drink and I don’t.  “Waaaahh!!!”  I spent the entire trip feeling envious of this fact.  Let me make it clear, I didn’t want to drink, but I was still envious.  Does that make sense?

So yesterday when I got home, I was cranky from walking around the ruins for four hours, and cranky because, once again, it was 4:00 pm and these days 4:00 is just 4:00.  While everybody else can look forward to 4:00 pm, or whatever time they designate to start drinking, I no longer have that sense of anticipation about any hour of the day.  I knew yesterday when our guide was droning on and on, the other members of my party were thinking about when they could get to a cold cervaza.  And I was jealous.  Even though I knew they were suffering slight hangovers, I envied them that expectation of relief and reward.  Diet Pepsi just doesn't have the same allure.

I was still cranky when I entered the mmabsers chatroom last night and I whined to everybody about it.  A little later, another “chatter” stated that she wanted to go back to abs’ing but she was scared to death about going through withdrawal, she’d gone through it before and her heart did those funny things that hearts like to do when you quit giving them what they want. They get cranky, too. I started describing my withdrawal experiences and tactics and I advised that I always made sure I drank lots of liquids with potassium because I couldn’t eat when I was withdrawing and would literally go days without eating.  I said that I sometimes drank the tomato based juices but I always worried that when I threw up, (that’s a  “when” not an “if)”, I wouldn’t be able to tell if I was throwing up blood.

I looked at that line after I typed it.  I was incredulous.  Had I really, just minutes before, been bitching and moaning because I didn’t have “happy hour” to look forward to anymore.  Really?  

No, 4:00 pm is nothing special anymore but I’ve got every f’ing hour of the day back to look forward to and that is a freakin’ miracle.  And I better never ever forget it.

So today I’m just out there doing my best to remind myself of the wonder and awe that is hidden in every second of every "bless my lucky stars" day .


  1. What a fantastic post, I've missed you and your writing! You've perfectly captured that dual thinking us sober people have. On the one hand feel glum and left out and mournful that we can't join in, on the other hand we know so well that that myth of 'fun relaxing drinking' doesn't exist for us any more. We'd have been over-doing it from 4pm onwards, way over-doing it. So yes, sometimes we have difficult, gritty phases, but pull back and look at the overall picture and things are So Much Better. Thank god we are able to pull back and look at that overall picture, as it constantly reminds us and gives us strength to stay away from the booze. Yay for you xxx

  2. Your ahha moment last night was so great--and it helped me too. I too can slip into some poor-me thinking and when you had that realization and shared it, I took another look at my attitude as well.

    Yea for 177! That is a lot of freakin' days, Kary!

  3. 177 days of not vomiting, that is something to be thankful for. Geez Louise, what was I thinking back then?

  4. That's what we get to do every day, our best. Keep it up.

    that was a perfect if not scary reminder that sounds like it came at the right time.