Day 111
You might notice that there is no “Happy” leading in that title. Because it isn’t. I don’t know what it is. I so wanted this to be a blog of celebration, of looking forward and excitement about a new sober year, but as you can tell, it isn’t going to be. I have not had a drink, so quit worrying about that and I’m not going to have a drink but….the circumstances that caused me to relapse back in September are back in place and I’m desperately looking for a solution, a reprieve, or a coping mechanism. I’ve tried reasoning, I’ve tried compassion, I’ve tried tolerance, I’ve tried screaming at the top of my lungs, I’ve tried humiliation, I’ve tried begging, I’ve tried ignoring it,…The only thing I haven’t tried is what I tried last September, which was drinking myself sick in a desperate attempt to get somebody else to change. I’m not going to try that. It didn’t work either obviously.
Nothing has changed…except me. I’m stronger. So while this New Year may not be the one of celebration I planned and wanted, it is one of resolve. I resolve not to drink. I know I can’t change other people unless they want to change and I resolve to help them but if they choose not to, I resolve to change my circumstances. I resolve to keep moving forward.
Well, this is going down in my blog history as the shortest on record. I apologize for the mood of the blog but I swore to you in the beginning that I would always be honest and I have. To paint all days a rosy pink would be dishonest and to say that quitting drinking resolves all problems would be misleading.
So today I’m just out there doing my best to strengthen my resolve and learn the lessons that this dark miracle is trying to teach me.
About 2 hrs. later...
You knew you weren't going to shut me up that easily. Here is what I've realized in those insightful two hours. I am like "Zelda" in the video game "The Legend of Zelda" (it's the only video game I've ever played) and I have again reached the obstacle or test in this game that always defeats me, or where I give up and turn around. God, or Life if you prefer, has a reward waiting for me if I can get past this obstacle, at the least I'll gain another "life" or more power or special weapons to fight future challenges. I have learned new lessons every time I've battled this obstacle. This time I'm going to defeat it. I deserve and need what's waiting for me. Let's go.
About 2 hrs. later...
You knew you weren't going to shut me up that easily. Here is what I've realized in those insightful two hours. I am like "Zelda" in the video game "The Legend of Zelda" (it's the only video game I've ever played) and I have again reached the obstacle or test in this game that always defeats me, or where I give up and turn around. God, or Life if you prefer, has a reward waiting for me if I can get past this obstacle, at the least I'll gain another "life" or more power or special weapons to fight future challenges. I have learned new lessons every time I've battled this obstacle. This time I'm going to defeat it. I deserve and need what's waiting for me. Let's go.
I'm sorry to hear you're having that struggle again, Kary--I remember the cause, the result, and your dismay all too well from last year. I wish I could come down there and kick some butt...but I'm pretty sure that's not going to work. I think the fact that you remember that your reaction last year didn't end up hurting anybody but yourself, will help you not to repeat it again this year.
ReplyDeleteI remember reading something that stuck with me--a modified serenity prayer: "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change (everyone but me) the strength to change the person I can change (me and only me) and the wisdom to know the difference. Ha!
Hang in there. I had a pretty crappy NYE and NYD with a bad attitude and did a little whining on the list too. I guess I'm figuring out that sobriety fixes some problems, but not all of them. And it relieves some discomfort but causes other discomfort. In the long run though, we both know why we're not drinking anymore. That hasn't changed even if your external circumstances are difficult right now.
Chin up girlie, just put one foot in front of the other, and don't drink no matter what.
ReplyDeleteThe rest works out the way it's supposed to in the end. If it hasn't worked out -- it isn't the end!
We can do anything together.
Have you ever read "The Language of Letting Go", I love it, helps me every day with focusing on ME, the one I CAN change.
As always, great blog! Only u can change yourself and you can't change others! Thanks again,, Momma B
ReplyDelete