I was out walking this morning and I realized I didn't think about drinking at all yesterday. Sure I posted here and on the message boards but there wasn't a moment I thought, "Gee, I wish I could have a drink" or "How many drinks am I going to have tonight." or "What time am I going to let myself start drinking?" or "Am I going to drink tonight?" or "If I drink tonight that means I can't drink tomorrow." or "How many drinks have I already had this week?" or "Well, I already blew it for this week, I might as well wait until next week to really start moderating." Or “Tomorrow I’ll do better” or "Next week will be better. " or.......
I could go on and on and on. And that’s not even including the thoughts that invade the tired old brain space when I’m hungover. Thoughts like “Why did I do this?” or “I swear, I’m never drinking again.” or “God, if you get me through this one, I’ll never do it again” or “Oh God, please help me never do this again.” or “God, I hate myself!” or “How much longer until 5:00 pm?” or “If I just had one drink right now, it would make me feel better.” or “If I just had one more drink right now, I’d feel better” or “Why did I do this again?”
Just add alcohol and repeat.
So I’m finding a lot of extra brain space these days and am trying to figure out what I want to put there. It’s fun. It’s exciting. For example, this morning I watched the cap’n shake, shake, shake, the toothpick container trying to get a toothpick out. The container is a clear plastic rectangle box with a tiny hole in the top from which a toothpick is supposed to pop out when you shake it. Except this morning it wasn’t and the cap’n was getting more and more frustrated and all red in the face. I was laughing so hard, I was just about to wet my pants which made him even more red in the face. You see, yesterday I came up with the brilliant idea of placing a piece of clear scotch tape over the top of the box. Yep, those brain cells of mine are rejuvenating themselves into brilliant little moments of sheer comic genius. Who knows what I’ll come up with today.
You all might have noticed that the format of my blog has changed and over on the right hand side are some blogs I’ve found recently. A year ago, I couldn’t find any blogs being written by writers about the “process” of figuring out what I wanted to do with my drinking and the rest of my life. My original intention was that this blog would be the “groundbreaking” blog on moderation but, alas, it didn’t end up that way. The blogs I’m following are a mix of writers who are trying to moderate, writers who are trying to abs, writers who are early in their sobriety and writers who have years of sobriety. There’s a little something for everyone in each of the blogs, so check them out. (I’m actually following 10 different blogs but for some reason blogger just shows 7. It’s weird. I sign in and it shows I’m following 10 blogs and then in a few minutes, for no apparent reason, it shows I’m only following 7. If any fellow bloggers can explain this phenomenon to me, I’d sure appreciate it.)
So today I’m just out there doing my best to fill my spaces with worthy thoughts and keeping the pathways clear.