Yesterday’s post, a day late, and I better not hear any bitchin’!
It started out as a beautiful day, an absolutely beautiful day, so why was I so pissed off? I really couldn’t figure it out. You know some days it doesn’t do any good to keep telling yourself how fortunate you are, you’re still pissed off. When I skyped my sister-in-law, Saint Lady of Benevolent Wisdom", and told her that I was in a bad mood for no good reason she said, It must be a "Hickey" thing. Apparently, my brother has his pissy, pissy days too. So when I sat down to do my “morning pages,” a daily exercise that is supposed to unlock my creativity, I decided to write down all the things that were pissing me off. I’m supposed to fill three full notebook pages with random thoughts. I started out with all of the things that were currently pissing me off, the fact that the cap’n whines every morning when he goes to work which makes me feel guilty, the fact that some blogs that haven’t been around as long as mine have more followers (I have the best followers though), the fact that I’m f’ing tired of the Atkins diet even though I don’t stick to it… before long I was scrawling out decades of life decisions that were made concerning my life in which I hadn’t played an active part i.e. that shitty firetrap of a house that my first husband owned before we got married and that I had to live in for nine years, the fact that my older sister got all the looks in the family and I had to settle for all the personality, and don’t even get me started on that f’ing sailboat. For years, I “watered down” any resistance I had with alcohol until I was living someone else’s dreams and convincing myself they were mine, too. Any time any doubts reared their ugly heads or my own dreams tried to make themselves known I just said, “Pass the bottle.” And I drowned them.
That’s how it seemed yesterday morning. I filled those pages in record time, my pen flying across the page. I could blame my pissy mood on my female hormones but I’ll be damned if I know if it’s their fault, they show up any old time they want to these days with no mind to what I want or need, just like everything and everybody else.
Hours later I realized I had filled three pages with things that pissed me off and not once had I written that I was pissed off because I couldn’t drink. “That’s progress, “ I thought, but by then I was pissed off about that too. I was definitely in a drinking mood. But I didn’t.
Some days are just pissy and there’s nothing you can do about it but accept it and hope that tomorrow will be better. If I drink I can pretty much flush that possibility down the toilet, almost guaran-damn-teeing a shitty day tomorrow.
So today I’m just out there doing my best to fish my life and my language out of the toilet.
P.S. I did receive an email from a follower yesterday that brought a smile to this old sourpuss face of mine. Thank you, “you know who you are.” It made my day.