I know that if I took the time to scroll back through my blogs, I'd find at least one that was titled "Enough". It's funny how "enough" has cloaked itself in new meaning. Back then, "enough" wore a dark cape of sickness and despair and self-loathing. "Hadn't I had enough?" "Enough, already!" "Enough, I can't take this anymore!"
And now?
I woke up at about 5:00 am this morning, my bed was warm and snuggly but I wanted to get up and watch the sun come up. I rolled over and gave the cap'n a kiss on the shoulder, there was a little tussle because he wanted me to stay in bed and "snuggle". (Snuggle has a lot of different meanings, too.) But I persisted and jumped out of bed, gathered up Mr. Stanley and headed down stairs.
The birds were sending forth the first timid notes of the morning as I let Stanley out to do his business, it was still a little dark so I plugged in the Christmas tree lights. I love Christmas tree lights. I grabbed my rosary and headed down the steps to the beach.
The sand is cold and wet between my toes and there is just a faint pink hue over the buildings of Yucalpeten as I head east. I am alone, except for the pelicans and tiny sandpipers that dart back and forth in a zig-zag as the waters of El Golfo lap in and then recede. The purple beads of my rosary catch the faint morning light as they sway from my hand.
My Sunday rosary is supposed to be one of gratitude but I always manage to insert a few pleas in amongst the "thank you's". Thank you, but please, could I have a little more, a little less, something different?
When I came to the decade of Hail Mary's that I was offering up in thanksgiving for my sobriety, I said, "Thank you for my sobriety, without it I have nothing, please will you continue to allow me to see it as the gift that it is so that I will always treasure it, so that I won't throw it away."
My Co-writer just shook his head and spread his hands and said, "Isn't this enough? What more do you want?"
And I thought about my warm bed, my skirmish with the cap'n amongst the soft sheets, Mr. Stan's eager to see me (even if he is blind) wiggly body, the twinkly Christmas lights, the birdsong, the pink morning beach, the pelican bobbing in the waves, the kiss of cool dawn sea breeze on my cheek and the warmth of the rising sun on my shoulders.
Yes, it is enough.
Thank you.
