Picking Up Where I Left Off

“As we plant in tears, we shall harvest with joy.” 
― Lailah Gifty Akita, Pearls of Wisdom: Great mind

First my apologies. I don't know if anyone will still be out there following this blog, but I am sorry for abandoning this blog for so long. I found myself spread too thin and I let the thing that got me started on this path, go. That just doesn't seem right, does it? So, I'm back.

I'm not sure how much more I have to say on the issue of drinking, I think I've said everything and if what I've said in the past wasn't enough to get anyone to change their life where drinking is concerned, than I doubt anything I say further on the subject, will do the trick. I have come to believe it is a decision that each person makes when we've decided to quit lying to ourselves and telling ourselves that we can keep doing what we've been doing and still have the life that God intended for us.

We've got to decide we want to find that life, more than we want to keep drinking, or getting drunk. Yes, I still believe that moderation-because I've seen it- is a possibility for some people, but unfortunately, for our generation, and in our current society, admitting we have a drinking problem still has so many negative connotations attached to it, we tend to wait until our chances at gaining back control are very slim. Still possible, for some, but not without a lot of work and time spent, and more commitment by the barrels than quitting completely takes. It puts off finding that intended life just that much longer. I base that on what I see day in and day out  over at Moderation Management. The ones that find peace the quickest, are the ones that quit.

But, don't fret,  I'm not quite bottomed out on the subject. I still run into lessons every day in pursuit of personal growth where the lessons I learned when quitting drinking apply. I've been participating in the Best Lent Ever Series and, yes, while it reminds me of so many familiar lessons, it also brings home the fact that I am now free to use those lessons on other areas of my life. Catholic or not, I think this series is phenomenal-and the daily videos are short but packed with opportunities of self-reflection-and, no, they're not paying me to say that. lol


One thing I've realized is how much drinking stunted my growth in all areas of my life, for most of my life. If you looked at my life from the outside, you might not see it, especially in my early drinking years. I was ambitious. I formed a family, I went to school three different times, completing degrees each time. I excelled at work. All the while drinking very heavily and waking up every morning hungover. I worked hard to get where I got, but, now I wonder how much further I could have gone. The last decade of my drinking became solely focused on managing my drinking, just trying to get through the day, there was definitely nothing left to give to other areas of growth. Then, the last two years of of my drinking were spent on trying to quit drinking. You cannot imagine what the landscape looked like to me once I cleared alcohol out of my fields. For the first time, I could see clearly what I had to work with, who I was, and what areas were easy to cultivate and grow things in and what areas were full of rocks that needed to be dug up and cleared. One field at a time. I definitely have a better idea of what areas I'm virtuous in and what areas need more fertilizer and less manure. Lol

How The Heck Are You 5/30/2017: Predictability is Under Appreciated

Just a gentle reminder

Good morning all! I seem to be in a serene period right now, God knows I needed it. Funny how that happens, how I can get pushed to my limit, to the point that I'm ready to give up, make a plan to give up, then everything smooths out and, once again, I feel like I can go on fighting.

Kind of like when I can't stand my hair any longer so I make a hair appointment and then the day of the appointment my hair looks better than it has in months. Kind of like when I was trying to figure out this drinking thing, I'd be ready to throw the towel  in (although I don't think you can ever do that once you start this fight), then I'd have one small victory, or more often, one more horrendous fallout from drinking and I'd decide I had more fight left in me. Those horrendous fallouts may have seemed like failures but usually they were the impetus I  needed to change...until I got enough sober rewards to stack up against them.

I think one reason things have seemed calmer in my world is that I'm back in a routine. This last winter in Mexico was somewhat chaotic, packing up and moving from place to place every few weeks. Now, I know I have months in front of me in which I don't plan on going anywhere. I can do my morning routine of saying my rosary and writing my morning pages, taking my bath, walking the dog... Routine grounds me and, for me, after years of the chaos of getting drunk every night and being hungover every morning, it is a privilege I never take for granted. Just last night I marveled, once again, at the fact that I actually have a bedtime routine.

Boy, I'm gabby this morning. Your turn, how the heck are you?

Words

Fulfillment is a feeling of happiness and satisfaction. It's also the completion of something, like the fulfillment of a promise.

Like many of my friends in the blogging world, I took up the practice of replacing New Year's resolutions with a New Year's "Word" a few years ago.  My yearly word was supposed to replace all the guilt that is associated with the traditional unfulfilled resolutions. My New Year's word wasn't supposed to require measurements or goals, it was just supposed to guide me along through the year without any demands or expectations. Like Dumbo's feather, I thought I could just curl my trunk around a word and fly.

That's me, always scouring for the next no work or sweat required gadget on the Home Shopping Network or in the As Seen On TV aisle of my local Walgreens.

No big surprise that my "Word of the Year" offered the same astonishing results as the jars full of Belly Fat Burner and Thigh Blaster pills I have in my medicine cabinet.

Warning: Results may not be visible to the human eye!

So, I was really re-thinking this whole "Word of the Year" thing. But then I started reading all the blogs this morning and was starting to feel left out.

"Maybe I should give it one more try," I thought. "Besides, I can't think of anything else to write about on this New Year's Day and, for a sober blogger, not writing a New Year's Day blog is akin to Dick Clark not Rocking in the New Year. 

"Dick," I said, "if you can still manage to fulfill your obligations even though you've been dead for three New Year's Eves, (maybe you should have read the fine print a little closer.) I guess I should make a half-hearted but live attempt to fulfill mine."

And that's when my word of the year jumped out at me.

FULFILLMENT

I'll admit the word probably stood out because of all the unfulfilled promises I've made to myself on every other New Year's Day. I guess I thought if I made it my word, I'd be pressured into being fulfilling for at least the three week shelf-life of most New Year's resolutions. Maybe I'd be able to finish at least one unfinished task in that time.

I sat down to write a list of obligations I wanted to fulfill this year. 

Ugh, huh? 

Then I started thinking about my last post about Praying Big and I decided to make my list a list of wishes I wanted fulfilled in the next year. Things that would fulfill me and make me happy. I won't share those things with you, but I'll tell you it was a helluva lot more fun than obligations.

Then, that word "pray" jumped out at me and I started thinking about that. All of you know that I pray on a regular basis. I've tried not to be too "in your face" about it but it is right up there in the title of my blog. That three letter word, G-O-D.  I thought about my hesitancy in the beginning of this blog to include it in my title and I thought about all the other times I've wondered if prospective readers were turned off by that word in my title and maybe that was why I didn't rack up the number of followers that other blogs do. I thought about how I've considered, more than once. changing the title of my blog.

I felt a little ashamed and, rightfully, ungrateful.

See, I fully believe, without a doubt or moment of hesitation that I would not be here without God. When I thought I should give up on myself, I knew He hadn't. So, I didn't. He told me to start this blog. He did. I ignored Him for a long time but then I did what He told me.

And my life was never the same.

Thank God!

I've let Him sit back there in the background, afraid to bring Him too far out of the shadows, while I basked in the light of the fulfillment of His part of this bargain. Afraid that His presence would chase off those who don't believe in Him, those that think He's just another Dumbo's feather. 

But I believe.

Now, I think it is time to for me to fulfill my part and give Him credit and share how my belief in Him sustained me and brought me through.  It's time to concentrate on where He wants to lead me instead of where I want to take Him as long as He stays in the background.

Because I know what He has planned will be more fulfilling than anything I can conceive.

So, in fulfillment of my debt to my Co-Writer, my blog will begin to focus on my quest for a more fulfilling life, through sobriety and through Him.

I don't know what changes this will wrought.  Or if it will wrought any.I don't know if I will lose some of you as readers, I hope not, because through you I am drawn closer to Him. All I know is that since I started thinking about this new direction, I've been filled with more anticipation and excitement than I have since the early days of my sobriety. Like those early days, I can't wait to see where He will take me.  

Whether you believe in Him, or not, I like to believe that you acknowledge that in this gathering of compassionate and giving souls, here in the blogging and recovery world, there is a love and a hope and a sacredness that transcends this worldly sphere.

Happy New Year, my friends. May it be a year of Fulfillment for us all.

Juggling

I just wanted to let you all know that I haven't run off and joined the circus (although it is circus season down here and if you think circus's in the states look a little rough around the edges, you should come to Mexico. Shudder!), I'm just juggling priorities right now and trying not to drop anything.

How wonderful!

To have a life. To be busy.  To have a purpose.  To have a reason to get up in the morning other than drink!!

To be sober!

I am so grateful.

Now to change my train of thought in the middle of the tracks, as I'm wont to do.  A member posted on the moderation management board the other day that she was grateful for the struggle, she was grateful that at least she had a desire to change when it seemed so many didn't.  So many seemed to be happily drinking themselves to death.  (not her exact words or intent, I'm taking artistic license here).

I wrote back and said, "Don't be too sure.  You don't know that those people don't wake up every day and say to themselves, "Today is the day I'm going to quit. Today is the day, I'm going to take back my life." only to fail once again."

That was me.  It may have looked like I was just a drunk who didn't care while deep down, underneath the blood shot eyes, splotchy skin, shaky hands...I was consumed with the desire to change.

I remember there were these two guys I knew in high school, I'll call them Bubba and Butch.  Bubba was your typical muscle brained athlete who liked to pick me up and dump me in the trashcan or body slam me on the wrestling mats, that was his way of showing me that he liked me.  Butch was the stereotypical dreamy bad boy with big beautiful green eyes, long feathered hair (it was the 70's), soft lips (yep, I know for a fact they were soft) and, down deep, a heart of gold.

They were teenage hard partying boys, that grew into adult hard partying men.  They did drugs, a lot of drugs, they didn't go to college, they held and lost multiple jobs and women.  I liked them a lot but I always held myself above them.  I was better than them. I didn't hold out much hope for either of them.  I figured they'd go through life stoned and wind up as shriveled shaky old drunks at the ripe old age of 49, minus the majority of their teeth, on a liver transplant list. If they were lucky.

I lost track of them through the years but lo and behold, through the magic of facebook, I found them again a couple of years ago.  And guess what?  They had sobered up and cleaned up their act and there I was flushing my life down the proverbial shitter of alcoholism.

Alcohol doesn't play favorites and it doesn't matter if you're rich, poor, famous, infamous, brilliant, or just an average Joe, there are no advantages.

If Bubba, Butch and I can do it, you can.