Monday, August 19, 2013

Scaling The Sublime

1. Characterized by nobility; majestic.
2.a. Of high spiritual, moral, or intellectual worth.
b. Not to be excelled; supreme.
3. Inspiring awe; impressive.
4. Archaic Raised aloft; set high.
My work stint is done for the time being and, as if I haven't whined enough about it, I feel the need to describe the experience to you yet again.  Like some whiny kid who got sent off to camp for the summer when she'd rather stayed home and played with her friends.

But truly, for the past four months, since I knew I was taking this job, I've felt like a wimpy kid that was being sent off to one of those wilderness camps to toughen him up.  I was terrified every single day, and when I say terrified, I mean terrified.  I've come to realize that my biggest fear is looking stupid.  That fear has held me back from so much, and I'm sure it had more than a little bit to do with my drinking.

I woke up every morning this summer terrified that I would make a fool of myself, and I did.  I was clumsy, I was out of practice, I heard stupid questions coming out of my mouth that I wanted to gobble back down as soon as I heard them escape my lips and saw the look of incredulity that crossed the person's face that I was talking to.  

And I had nothing to combat this stupidity and fear with except getting up every morning and facing it again so I'd get less stupid and less fearful day by day.

But every day was a new opportunity to display my lack of knowledge, and boy, did I.
With nothing in my own power to abate my terror and embarrassment, I turned to my Co-Writer and I got up thirty minutes early every morning and said a rosary, some mornings that meant getting up at 4:30 am.  I didn't pray for him to make it easier on me, well, not every day, instead I prayed for strength to get through the day.  

I prayed that he would give me the strength to be the person he needed me to be that day and I prayed to Mary to lend me a measure of her grace and kindness. So at least when the day was finished, my co-workers might look at each other and say, "Well, she might be thick as a post, but she sure is nice." lol

With four days left on my contract, no one had said anything about extending, which didn't surprise me.  Besides, I'd already decided even if they begged me to stay, I wasn't going to,  God didn't mean for me to be this unhappy.  This was a sign that I needed to move on from the nursing profession.

Then they asked me to stay.

I worked another two weeks and on my last day, Friday, one co-worker pulled me out of a patient's room to hug me goodbye and say that he wished I would stay and that some of the others would go.  Another co-worker said she would miss my smile, my laughter and my disposition. Another that he had never heard me complain or criticize and he had worked with traveling nurses for ten years and that just didn't happen.  My charge nurse said she wasn't going to let me go.

I got my morning prayers answered.
In spite of my terror-filled summer, I had so many sublime moments.  Moments when everything was right in my world.  Where I was right in my world.  Even when I felt the stupidest and most scared, I loved myself and I was proud of myself.

I never had that when I was drinking.

And you can't reach sublime until you do.

P.S.  I'm glad to be back, I missed you guys.


  1. oh wow what a great post. but oh no sounds scary ! what an intense environment, so much to know and get right and always others looking on. Big ups to you my friend for doing it every day and doing it bravely and REAL. So great .. and then to get all that lovely feedback! Mr D and I both work in an industry where the saying 'no feedback is good feedback' rings true every single day, it's rediculous but if you're not getting shit you're doing ok. So i can relate. GO YOU GOOD THING!!!!!! hey, we are coming up on 2 years.. any plans?

  2. I love that when we do hard stuff, and then look back, we feel so proud.

    "Well, she might be thick as a post, but she sure is nice." That is hilarious. :)

    Glad you're back. xoxo

  3. I love that your prayers were answered. Thank you for sharing this hopeful experience.

  4. Being a 'good' person is such a rare commodity these days - good for you :D And to read that someone prayed for strength makes me smile all the more. You did good Kidd - you did good : D

  5. I love it when stuff turns out like that but I sure do hate going through it. I think going to a job that you don't like or that terrifies you every day is harder than anything else on the planet. Harder than giving birth, harder than beating addiction even because you volunteered to do it! It's like getting up every morning and voluntarily going to prison.

    And then it's over and you find out wonderful stuff like you discovered and then you figure out (at least I do) that what was going on in my crazy head was way worse than what was actually going on. Wait? What?

    But I'll tell you this, I learn more from those experiences than I do from any of those easy jobs. I also learn not to do that again. :-)

    And I'll tell you one more thing...

    We missed you too. Welcome home.


  6. I was reading Oswald chambers this am and your post reminds me of his writing. He explained that if we're serving God, then evaluating our work, we're not serving God. (rough paraphrase) That to go about our work not knowing how we've touched other's lives is true genuine service. This made me really think and I even read his post twice. He says it is in the "commonplace everyday" circumstance where we're just being ourselves and someone is blessed by our presence - this is how its done.
    So, with Oswald's blessing, good work!! :)
    And welcome home

  7. It's great to have you back! What an intense and terrifying Summer you've had and how brilliantly have you followed it through. I hope you get some time now in harmony and can recover from the Summer's ordeal.

    Have a happy Friday and weekend! *hugs*

  8. Wow Kary May... you are such a class act!!!