I've been getting a lot of pleas lately, I know you've gotten them too, I remember when I made the same desperate plea. That plea for a magic bullet, a turn of phrase, a cataclysmic event, an awakening. What was it that made me finally, for the umpteenth time, for the last time, decide to quit drinking.
So I went back through my blogs and found the date, July 6, 2011. If you look at the top of the blog I wrote that day, you'll see "Day 11." I had already gone 11 days without drinking, but when I started those 11 days it wasn't with the intention of giving up drinking for good, it was with the intention of completing a 30 day abs in my pursuit of moderation. I'd made about twelve attempts at a 30 day abs in my year of trying to moderate and never completed one.
July 6, 2011, is not my sobriety date though, I had one relapse since then. A stupid relapse, one with the stupid intention of trying to change someone else's actions. It didn't work, but at no time during that relapse did I fool myself into believing that I could live my life in anything but a totally sober state.
Here is my blog from that day:
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Another Life Choice
This is going to be a quickie. We all have things we'd rather be doing on a Sunday than read my blog. Sunday is for new beginnings and it is a new beginning for me. I have made the decision that the only route left for me to take is total and permanent abstinence from alcohol. I joined a new message board this last week, Women for Sobriety but I'll admit I still wasn't convinced. Then someone responded to my introductory post that she got exhausted thinking about all of my Day 1's, Day 10,s Day 19's.... so I went back and read back over my blog this last year. Come on, who was I fooling? Only myself. Was one more stab at moderation going to be the ticket? I don't know, I never will. I just don't want to waste any more of my life on any more "one more times". As Andy Dufrain said in the movie Shawshank Redemption, "It's time to get busy living or get busy dying." I know which one I'm choosing. I may stumble a long the way but I won't be attempting moderation again, it's a done deal.
I have heard from several people that they are starting their individual journeys today. Whether that be moderation or permanent abstinence, you have my best wishes. Just remember, if you fall get, back up, if you stray down a wrong path, turn around, if there's a boulder blocking your way, go around it, climb over it or tunnel under it, and listen to your internal GPS, it knows where you need to go.
Safe Travels, my friends.
So today I'm out there doing my best to travel light and leave the burden of alcohol by the wayside.
Someone's comment that she was exhausted just thinking about all my stops and starts (Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, whoever you are) was my magic bullet, my wake-up call, the knock upside my head. No cataclysmic event, no lightning bolt, just a calm, almost analytical, acceptance of the facts. I cannot moderate. I am an alcoholic. I cannot drink.
How about the rest of my fellow bloggers? What was the "thing" that turned your tide, set your world right side up? Care to share? It could be the silver bullet someone is looking for.
Put your "magic words" in my comment section or share them on your own blog, someone is looking for them.