Hey Gang,
I've been getting a lot of pleas lately, I know you've gotten them too, I remember when I made the same desperate plea. That plea for a magic bullet, a turn of phrase, a cataclysmic event, an awakening. What was it that made me finally, for the umpteenth time, for the last time, decide to quit drinking.
So I went back through my blogs and found the date, July 6, 2011. If you look at the top of the blog I wrote that day, you'll see "Day 11." I had already gone 11 days without drinking, but when I started those 11 days it wasn't with the intention of giving up drinking for good, it was with the intention of completing a 30 day abs in my pursuit of moderation. I'd made about twelve attempts at a 30 day abs in my year of trying to moderate and never completed one.
July 6, 2011, is not my sobriety date though, I had one relapse since then. A stupid relapse, one with the stupid intention of trying to change someone else's actions. It didn't work, but at no time during that relapse did I fool myself into believing that I could live my life in anything but a totally sober state.
Here is my blog from that day:
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Another Life Choice
This is going to be a quickie. We all have things we'd rather be doing on a Sunday than read my blog. Sunday is for new beginnings and it is a new beginning for me. I have made the decision that the only route left for me to take is total and permanent abstinence from alcohol. I joined a new message board this last week, Women for Sobriety but I'll admit I still wasn't convinced. Then someone responded to my introductory post that she got exhausted thinking about all of my Day 1's, Day 10,s Day 19's.... so I went back and read back over my blog this last year. Come on, who was I fooling? Only myself. Was one more stab at moderation going to be the ticket? I don't know, I never will. I just don't want to waste any more of my life on any more "one more times". As Andy Dufrain said in the movie Shawshank Redemption, "It's time to get busy living or get busy dying." I know which one I'm choosing. I may stumble a long the way but I won't be attempting moderation again, it's a done deal.
I have heard from several people that they are starting their individual journeys today. Whether that be moderation or permanent abstinence, you have my best wishes. Just remember, if you fall get, back up, if you stray down a wrong path, turn around, if there's a boulder blocking your way, go around it, climb over it or tunnel under it, and listen to your internal GPS, it knows where you need to go.
Safe Travels, my friends.
So today I'm out there doing my best to travel light and leave the burden of alcohol by the wayside.
Someone's comment that she was exhausted just thinking about all my stops and starts (Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, whoever you are) was my magic bullet, my wake-up call, the knock upside my head. No cataclysmic event, no lightning bolt, just a calm, almost analytical, acceptance of the facts. I cannot moderate. I am an alcoholic. I cannot drink.
How about the rest of my fellow bloggers? What was the "thing" that turned your tide, set your world right side up? Care to share? It could be the silver bullet someone is looking for.
Put your "magic words" in my comment section or share them on your own blog, someone is looking for them.
I read and read and read sober blogs and for 2 years (2!) hoping to find a way to moderate. It never worked, ever. I needed surgery and and the doc would not perform it if I was smoking. I used quitting smoking as an incentive to not drink. I knew if I drank my quit smoking efforts would go out the window. I tricked myself and it worked. Most people would think it's crazy to stop both at the same time but I dug my heals in and did what I knew in my heart I needed to do. It also provided a good answer to all the curious friends and family who wanted to know why I wasn't drinking. I've been sober and nicotine free since 10/8/2012.
ReplyDeleteAs they say, "Whatever it takes." It sounds like you just needed a little impetus to do what you already knew you wanted and needed to do.
DeleteHell girl, cigs and booze at the same time, what's next for you? Whatever it is, you can do it.
After thinking about it for years and trying to "moderate" several times and then trying to all out quit a couple of times, I came upstairs for bed and tried to begin one of those drunken conversations with the hubs.
ReplyDeleteHe sat up in bed, looked at me and said (for the first time EVER), "I think you're drinking too much."
That was it. I knew that if my strongest supporter, my brightest light and the completion of my soul said that...it was true.
And I was done.
Yep, I think when the cap'n said, "If you take one more drink..." it was a wake-up call too. I did take one more, several more actually, but when I knew that my stronghold, my no matter what, was even thinking about deserting me I knew the end was in sight. I now had his support in my sobriety.
DeleteWonder if that works both ways.
I wanted to quit for years, but the day I did I was totally hungover. I'd promised the kids I'd make french toast in the morning, and instead they brought a plate up to me that my husband had helped them make. I woke up just enough to set it to the side and went back to sleep. I couldn't get up until 1:00 that afternoon.
ReplyDeleteAfter that I was finished. It was me and the booze or me and my family. I just could not ruin our lives because I needed to drown in sauvignon blanc several times a week.
I am relentlessly grateful for that horrid day.
Oh amy, :(
ReplyDeleteI had so many days like the one you describe. My kids' birthdays and Christmas's and Easters, all tinged with the haze of hangovers.
I am so happy for you and your kids that you've stopped now and you have all of those wonderful mornings in front of you.
I had stopped and started soooo many times over the past two years. Those two years - a long time! were wasted time for me. I didn't feel like I was doing anything well at all, and my self esteem had hit rock bottom. I usually am very confident, have lots of friends, am successful and the 'girl who did it all'. I felt like I looked up one day , and I wasn't any of these things. My husband never noticed, but he (a wonderful person who I love so much) just looks at me as the 'adventure girl' who always is going a mile a minute, and thinks i can do it all. He didn't see the pain inside. Three weeks ago, I stopped. And the day after, the day after...somehow I just knew I was done. Maybe it was the fact I had attended too many funerals over Christmas, and the tragedy didn't seem fair. Maybe it was that I was starting to see the wrinkles and blotches in my face, and my eyes looked horrible. I think all these things....and time...made the magic bullet. I can do this, and I will. I'm not sure what's changed, but I'm glad it did!
ReplyDeleteGood for you. Before I chose to permanently abs, 3 weeks was my record for absing. I hadn't strung that many days together since I gave birth to my youngest son 26 years before.
ReplyDeleteI was a miracle girl once also, could drink all night every night and still rule the world with a hangover the next day, at least that's what I thought. But then it caught up with me, the hangovers and withdrawals became insurmountable and lasted for days. I spent more time withdrawing then I actually did drinking. My life was spent drinking then withdrawing, rinse and repeat. That's not a life.
I'm glad you're stopping at two years of unhappiness. You feel like you've wasted those two years, but you haven't. Those years taught you the lessons that you needed to learn to get to where you are now. There's no reason to go back and repeat them. Keep going forward and don't look back.
My ability to stop was not based on any special moment. Like all of you, I was spending too much time recovering from drinking than actually enjoying myself. On October 1, 2012 I decided to not drink for a day (even though I had a pounding headache). During my long evening train commute I started reading Bwendo's blog 100 Days sober and I began to get hooked on not drinking. I read his blog.and when there was nothing more to read, I found Mrs. D's blog. I kept reading and before I knew it the days became weeks, then months and 142 days later...here I am.
ReplyDeleteI remember Robin Williams being interviewed once where he said he "just stopped." He was tired of not remembering things. Sounds impossible. I couldn't do it for many years but I too just stopped. I have to thank God and the bloggers for where I am now.
Visit me at gfnj@wordpress.
Thanks for sharing. For some of us there is not lightening strike, there's just finally an acceptance or a moment of surrender I guess. Stick a fork in us, we're done!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on 143 Days now.
I tried to visit your site but it didn't work, said it was just the plain wordpress.com
DeleteSorry. You can click on my gfnj name or gfnj.wordpress.com
ReplyDeleteRetirement. July 13, 2011, my 62nd birthday. I had wanted to get my drinking under control by then, but of course I didn't. It took about another year
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