Days of Sobriety: 363, One Year. Hallelujah! I want MORE!
This morning I'm reminded of the very first mornings I wrote this blog, I've been finding all kinds of distractions and things I "needed" to do before I sat down to type this out. As usual, I've asked my Co-writer to chime in and let me know what he wants me to say but it seems he's letting me throw my own party today.
Why am I putting this off, why, of all mornings, is this so difficult? "(I know, I know", my six year old self is waving her hand in the back of the room, "Pick me! Pick me")
I'm putting this off because I know it is impossible to put into words what this year has meant to me. But I'll try my best.
I am sitting here looking out the front door of this shitty little apartment at this rainy, blustery, almost fall day, I have a cup of hot tea at my elbow and I can smell it's cinnamon apple sweetness, and I am content. Once more a warm cup of tea brings an appreciative smile to my face. Once more a cold autumn day entices me with dreams of a long hot bath, a roast cooking in the oven, a soft throw a good book and socks on cold feet. This is enough. This is everything. I couldn't ask for more.
In my quest of avoidance, I traipsed through a few of my favorite blogs, Patty wrote about passing her nursing exams, Riversurfer wrote of being in love, and SoberMom wrote of paths taken and I read all of them with tears of many colors prickling behind my eyelids waiting to overflow as my heart is overflowing with such humble gratitude this morning. Okay, a few of those tears couldn't wait any longer. Once more my life is overflowing with the graceful loveliness of friendship and being cared for and being able to care for. That is so much more than I could have dreamed of. More than I thought I'd ever deserve again. Thank you guys, I wish I could fully express my gratitude but there are not enough words.
In another delay tactic this morning, I sorted through a couple of bags of goodies I have squirreled away for the grandkids and sat them out on the bed so I could mail them later. I picked up a soft pink flannel blanket trimmed in wide satin ribbon with a little kitten and puppy embroidered in simple X's in one of the corners. I made this blanket thirty-two years ago when I was pregnant with my oldest son, back then you didn't know what you were having until the baby arrived. It wasn't until this year that I finally got a little girl to send it to, my granddaughter Atalie. As I rubbed the satin ribbon against my cheek this morning, I was so relieved and proud to know that she would only have memories of a sober grandma. That when I hug her and nuzzle my nose in her sweet, sweet neck, making her giggle, that I'll want to linger and hold on to that moment instead of being distracted wondering where my drink is, as I was with her big brother. That someday she might be proud to have me at her wedding, that she will never have the worry that I might shame her. Once more, I have faith in myself. Once more, I am proud. Once more I have self-worth and that is priceless.
Later today I'll do some laundry and pack a bag for my trip to Colorado this weekend. I'm not going home yet, the hospital has asked me to stay on for a couple more weeks (another little deposit into my self-worth account) so the cap'n and I are meeting up for another conjugal visit (waggly eyebrows) at a rustic little cabin by a lake. I bought a few little enticements a few weeks ago that I'll throw in there. Once more the feel of something new and sexy sliding over my body makes me giddy. ( Okay, I know the visuals of a 50 year old menopausal woman and her 64 year old love interest getting it on are probably making you of the younger crowd a little nauseous. Get over it.) I'm not sure what this summer apart has meant for the cap'n and me and what adjustments will have to be made when we are back to co-habitating, but I do know it has been a demonstration of his faith in me and his devotion to me and what is best for me. He vehemently didn't want to live apart for three months but he supported me. Which is what he has done throughout this tortuous journey, which is what he has always unflaggingly done, held me up. Once more I feel worthy. Once more I feel I am carrying my load in this marriage, instead of being carried. Once more, he has is wife back. And I am so fortunate.
So tomorrow starts another year. Bring it on, once more I am ready.