Sunday, June 16, 2013

Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah

Can I come home now?

I went to camp twice in my life and I hated it both times.  I was never the kid that was picked first for the tug-o-war, or the girl that the thirteen year old boy with a mustache and side-burns wanted to sneak into the woods with, or even the girl who got short-sheeted by all the mean girls.  Instead, I was the girl, whom, when everyone looks back at their old camp photos, everyone will have this to say about.

"I don't remember her."

I spent the whole long week at camp, both times, trying my best to be invisible.

Which is exactly how I feel right now.  Only, I'm fifty-one years old now and it's pretty ridiculous to feel like a twelve year old back at camp trying to escape notice.

Don't get me wrong, I'm going into work every day and busting my ass, and doing my best, and whistling while I work, but....I don't know.  I just don't want to be here.

I'm counting down the days until I can go home.

Here's the thing, I had a long run when I was the "cool" kid, the girl always picked to be the captain, the one who everyone else wanted to "hang" with.

And you know why?  Because I drank.  Because I was the life of the party.  And right now, I know, that if I was still drinking, if I got together with the rest of the gang after work for a couple of beers or glasses of wine, my experience here would be a totally different one. A warmer one.  I would belong.

I know, I know, I can still go out with the gang and not drink, and I have, but it's just not the same.  And the fact is, I  really don't want to. As I said on one of the message boards the other day, I'm too damn old to waste an evening doing something I don't want to do just to try to fit in.

I'm just ambivalent about this whole damn work thing, I'm not ambivalent about the work, I'll never be that, but it doesn't set me on fire anymore like it used to.   I no longer need to be the wittiest person in the operating suite, or the one that all the docs like, why was that ever important anyway?  I just want to go in and get my work done and then go home. 

And I hate that.

Boy, I do sound  like some whiny kid writing home from camp, but the thing is I miss you guys and I miss having the time to be a part of all this and my message boards and my toy drive and my flowerbeds and, of course, the cap'n and Stanley, the blind killer bichon.

The good news is that the panic has abated and been replaced by this ambivalence, but I'm not sure which is worse.  I have to admit that I have missed drinking, but I haven't wanted to drink, there's a big difference, but I have missed having that crutch or, more accurately, I have felt its absence more acutely. No more instant nerve soother, confidence booster, friend-maker, witty repartee tumbling off the tongue generator ready at the finger tips.

That's okay, I like the real me better anyway.  And if "they" don't, it just doesn't matter.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Great post! Sorry I accidentally deleted my comment, but this is what I wrote:

    I have to say that I have felt the same way many, many times! I was completely lost without my trusty best friend - wine! i felt naked and boring. But, after few years in sobriety I have noticed that even sober I am still very extrovert! Strangely enough, when my confidence come back and I started to feel more ok in my own skin, I found that I was still able to be fun and witty and I have no problems making conversations or meeting people! So, just let your real you shine!

  3. Don't fool yourself chica,
    You are the cool kid. It is precisely because you
    have taken the steps to address your addiction and
    help others to find a way to address theirs. Hanging out drinking wouldn't make you any cooler. It would just make you one of the drunk kids. Without the kid part. Don't romance that alcohol. It's the worst kind of bastard that will not leave you high and dry but depressed and sodden.

    1. I so need to hear this right now. My new mantra, you are the cool kid, you are the cool kid, you are the cool kid.

      Thank you amigo! You've always got my back.

  4. Yeah you are the cool kid. And also it just seems to me that you are feeling a bit sad and lonely and that's fine too.. I would be if I had to move away from all my warm lovely life and go work somewhere else purely for the work alone. Just keep looking after yourself while you're doing it and allow yourself to feel a bit flat about your current reality (suppose there are good reasons why you need to do this). There is a bit of 'flatness' around living sober and sometimes it's a bummer.. but you and I both know overall how fabulous we are and how much better our lives are now we are sober. Sober is cool! Love you xxx

  5. OMG!!! Get the hell out of my head! I had this exact conversation last night (at an event...with alcohol) because I was sitting there thinking, "Who am I anymore? Sure as hell not what I used to be and most of that is okay...except that part of me used to belong, fit in and be cool and now I'm not. I liked that part."

    IN FACT - I just sat down to write a post about it when I opened this one.

    Cue the Twilight Zone do do do...


  6. How the hell did I miss this post? [slap upside the head]. Yikes! Anyway, I don't know who "Unknown" is up there in the comments, but I loved what they said. Couldn't have said it any better. We get our moments, or even strings of moments like you have, and that's fine. Who says we can't have bad thoughts or shots of "bleh" happen to us? Let it pass. It sounds like you see what is going on and have the insight and gut feeling of what is happening and how to avoid making it get worse. And I sense that you've turned it around even by the end of the post there.

    I am so glad you posted - missed you around the sobersphere :)