Monday, May 13, 2013

Has Anybody Seen My Confidence, I Know I Left It Here Somewhere

 Until you start believing in yourself, you ain’t gonna have a life!
- Rocky Balboa

I just wanted to let you know I didn't hit the pinnacle of 600 days and then decide to do a free fall into barrel of whiskey.  You weren't really worried, were you?  You know me better than that, right?

I'm gearing up for work again this summer and I've worked myself into the same frazzled, second-guessing, downplaying my abilities, wrecking ball to the old self-confidence mode that I usually get into.  I think I have post-traumatic stress syndrome from the old-school asshole surgeons that I trained with in my early days, you know, the ones that would throw sharp pointy instruments at you, if you made the mistake of handing them the wrong thing, or asking them the wrong question like, "Good Morning, how are you today?"

So the other night I couldn't sleep and I got up in the middle of the night to worry and fret and try to memorize the PDR, then about the time the sun was over the mountain ridge and the cap'n was getting up, I decided I was tired and was going  back to bed.  As I stretched out in bed, I hollered down to him from the loft, "This is kind of reminiscent of my old drinking days, isn't it? (I was notorious for getting up and drinking a bottle or two of wine at 2 am just to try and get back to sleep).  Then I said, "You're probably looking under the couch for my wine glass, aren't you?" 

And he said, "Nah, I know you."

 Confidence restored.  Isn't that a wonderful thing?  The thing is, if he'd looked under the couch, he probably would have found a wine glass or two because it's probably been over 600 days since I cleaned under there.

Back to memorizing the PDR...


  1. Your writing sounds strong and confident. You're not afraid of thinking of drinking or what happened in the past. My daughter drinks and gets sober then stuff happens and she feels bad about herself and then drinks, again. What are the steps of regaining your confidence?

  2. Just because we put the bottle down doesn't mean all those things come back at us - the low self-esteem, the lack of confidence, etc. We may not be swimming in them like we used to, but they like to pop up and refresh our memory of what it used to be like. I get those moments (which used to be hours or days or weeks) and have to either indulge (bad) or swat them away (good). not always easy to swat, as it takes *work* and sometimes I am just not in the mood to *work* at my serenity. Crazy eh?

    Glad you got the mojo back. Get the cap'n to clean under the

    Great stuff!


  3. LOL!!!! I love the line about the wine glass! And as a side note - please don't look under my sofa...k?

    I knew you werent' in a barrel of whiskey...actually, it never even crossed my mind.

    Funny thing about that confidence isn't it? When you find yours let me know...maybe mine is with it.

    Hugs -

  4. Eeek, stay away from my sofa too! With two dogs and a cat, I'm sure you couldn't find anything under there for all the pet hair, but I shudder to think about it.

    Remember your key word, my dear...


    You are stronger than you have ever been, and you get stronger every day. :)

    xoxo, C

  5. Ah.. damn confidence, I was so used to having it delivered straight from the bottle, I had no idea how to get it when I got sober. UGH. but then it turned out that sobriety it self gave me self-confidence; I didn't have to feel like a miserable, drunk shit anymore!! Congats on 600! woot woot!