Monday, December 3, 2012

Broken Trust






I think I told you all about my trip to the fancy hacienda about a month ago, the one that ended with us having to pull the van over to let a woman get out and get sick after a few margaritas.  While I relished telling you her story, I kind of forgot to tell you about my own faux paux.  That's the truth, I really did forget.

But I remember now.   The whole group was sitting out on the back terrace with the owner, we had been told that we would have lunch at 11:30 but now it was almost 2:30 and we still hadn't eaten, and worse, there had been no water offered since we arrived there two hours earlier.  Walking around a bamboo hacienda under the Yucatecan sun is thirsty work and it was no wonder that when the group was finally served something to drink, they guzzled it down, and it's no wonder, with nothing to eat or drink since early that morning, that they caught quite a quick buzz.

Me, with my rumless punch in hand, did not suffer these consequences.  An older man was sitting next to me and after two margaritas he decided it was necessito that he find the bano.  To get there, he had to work his way through the narrow passage between the couch we were sitting on and the table that held a wine glass that was precariously positioned on the corner of the table under which lay a big black lab that the man also had to step over.  It was quite an obstacle course, and the older man was probably not all that steady on his feet when he wasn't drinking, after two killer margaritas he was positively wobbly. I held my breath as I watched him make his way past the wine glass.

Whew! He made it. He even bent down to scratch the dog's head.

Now it was my turn because my own rumless punches had found their way to my 50 year old bladder and I was a little afraid that one of the drunks might do something to make me giggle and we know what happens to 50 year old bladders when we giggle.  They don't hold.

I gingerly made my way down the narrow passage and over the dog, I thought I was in the clear, so I swung to the left in the direction of the banos.  Crash!  The damn wine glass crashes to the stone floor and breaks into a million little pieces (Thank you James Frey).

My damn bag caught it when I swung left.

I was so embarrassed, but the owner quickly reassured me that it happened all the time and not to worry and, hell, he owns a freakin' hacienda, he sure wasn't going to miss one little wine glass.  He told me to forget it and I did.

If I had been one of my fellow guests who had had a couple of magaritas, I'd still be carrying the memory of that broken glass with me and it's jagged little pieces would still be cutting me every time I thought about that trip. That trip would have become all about that broken wine glass.

But because I wasn't drinking, I could let it go.  It was an accident.

I only remembered that incident today because I broke something much more fragile, something irreplaceable.  I broke someone's trust.  Just like that broken wine glass, it was a total accident, a momentary lapse of thought.  Absence of thought.  I didn't take the care I should have, I didn't protect it as I should have.

My one small comfort is that I wasn't drinking.

This is the season when many relationships are fractured, some are destroyed.  All it takes is a careless word swung the wrong way.  We think that booze makes us braver, smarter, wittier but all it does is take away our control.  It causes lapses. Lapses of judgement.  Lapses of thought. Lapses of care. I'd like to take up SoberMomRock's call, Just Put Down The Glass, for this season, give yourself the peace of knowing that nothing or no one was broken or destroyed because you were drinking.

21 comments:

  1. What a great post. Don't hold on to that momentary lapse in judgement too long. Feel the pain, make amends and the let...it...go.

    Why is that so freaking hard to do...even sober.

    Be well my friend.

    Sherry

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    1. I am getting there, ma cherie. I think, posible, that there is a wee bit of the perfectionist is us, which might be one of the things that caused us to drink in the first place.

      Hmmm...interesting and not very original concept,Kary.

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  2. Loved this so much Kary. I was like a grenade when I was drinking- I never knew for sure what type of damage I would do (emotional, physical...), but I could pretty much guarantee that someone was going to get hurt somehow.

    Accidents still happen. None of us are perfect and we can't control most stuff that happens, but god isn't it nice that we aren't walking around like grenades anymore knowing for certain that someone is about to get hurt.

    Trust can be rebuilt. Sometimes it takes a while, but it can be rebuilt.

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    1. I suspect that you are a lot like me, I would never, ever purposely set out to hurt someone. It's just not in my DNA, so when I did hurtful things when drunk, I couldn't reconcile them. I knew the only reason I did them was because I was drunk.

      It's so good to have that monkey off of my back.

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  3. Wow Kary.... I just found your blog and went back to the beginning to read your posts from 2010. I am struggling to come to grips with my drinking.... it is not falling down drunk or embarrassing myself but just time to stop doing this every day. Anyway - I found that what you had to say back in August 2010 was very profound and sort of where I find myself these days and I thank you for being out there giving me some hope that maybe I can get it together eventually as you have.

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  4. I'm glad you found me, too. You know, I don't usually recommend this on my sober blog, but if you haven't answered the question of whether you are ready to quit completely or whether you just need to learn to control your drinking (I want to state that by the time that most of us start looking for help on the internet, it's too late for us to learn to control our drinking), Moderation Management is a good place to learn the answer to that question. I know there are some people out there that don't agree with me, but for me, and many others that have finally chosen to perm abs by starting out at MM, we are able to embrace our sobriety more fully now that we've laid that question to rest in our minds.

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  5. Lovely post. So true about the addicted mind and how it focuses on the shame of the drunk behaviour. Now? A broken glass is just a broken glass.
    I hope your relationship can be mended.

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    1. It will mend because the person whose trust I broke is a wonderful, forgiving and giving person, as evidenced by the fact that she trusted to give something that she valued into my care to begin with.

      I just need to work with the forgiving myself part. Oh, and the "I am such a freaking idiot." acceptance of my humanity part.

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  6. Fantastic post. Lapses. Oh yes. Just that tender wobbly line that we can so easily step over when our guard is down just a little, the emotions are high, and the brain is numbed. So happy to think that for now and forever more I will have my wits about me, and even if I do let myself down ever and say the wrong thing I'll be able to remember and process it with full faculties. Great post my friend. Sending love xx

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    1. Love back to you, Mrs. D, as always.

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  7. I have nominated you for the “Blog Of The Year” award *hugs*

    http://riversurfer.wordpress.com/2012/12/06/blog-of-the-year-2012-award/

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  8. Hello Kary May....

    I left a comment recently to tell you that I had found your blog and was avidly reading it from the beginning. You graciously responded with a comment suggesting I take a look at Moderation Management. I appreciate you taking the time to do that. Anyway - I have progressed to August 10, 2011 and this post left me with tears in my eyes. I am not very articulate but the way you describe your struggles with alcohol speaks to me. This was a powerful piece for me to read today. Thank you!

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    1. Well, I was you at one time and found a blog, Pammie's blog actually, "Sobriety is Exhausting" and it spoke to me. I was too afraid and weak and ashamed to look for help in other places and blogs were safe and anonymous and I could still hide. I remember how scared I was to post my first comment. Moderation Management was my first foray into sharing my problem with others. While I would have no problem attending an AA meeting today, I don't know that I would have ever found sobriety without online support to begin with.

      I'm glad my blog spoke to you, that's why I write it. That, and to keep my own will and purpose clear in my own mind.

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  9. Hi Kary Mary! This is your rude and angry and inappropriate fan coming back to check out your site. Let's just call me, X. I love your posts very much and you are a superior writer. I hope that's what you are doing for a living.

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    1. Hey there rude and angry, I remember you. ;) I hope things are better in your world. No, I'm not a writer, I'm a nurse with aspirations of being a writer. Thank you for your kind comments.

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    2. KM,

      I am not angry anymore. I am moving forward now. I hope that you realize how sorry I am about that incident. I also really like you and I hope that you will have an influence on this person in question. As rare as the case may be, I imagine the saddest thing about getting sober for some people is realizing that you still are a monster and it wasn't the alcohol at all. You are a beautiful person. I know what you're thinking. You're probably thinking that you aren't perfect. No one is. There is a difference between being flawed and being truly evil.

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  10. Hi Kary Mary! I enjoy your writing. You are so real and I love that. Thank you for your post.

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  11. awww...I only now saw this. Hugs, Kary, and no worries.

    Everyone makes mistakes, oh yes they do....

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQ7tIfWD_FM&noredirect=1

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    1. Awww...thank you amiga and thank you for the video. I've forgiven myself but I still have lingering traces of idiocy floating around.

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