Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Sincerely, Kary May

Dear Well-Meaning _________________ (Insert whichever title is appropriate at any given time. i.e. friend, lover, sister, son……)

Thank you for inquiring as to my well-being. I know you are concerned about me. I am even more concerned. Yes, I know I have a problem. I live with this problem day and night, every minute and second. You are not telling me anything I don't know. I know it in and out, up and down and sideways. It consumes me. Yes, I know you are disappointed in me. No one is more disappointed in me than I am myself. When I let you down, I let myself down even more. You probably don't know this but when I know you are expecting something of me, I plan for it days or weeks or months, even years in advance. I do my very damnedest to be prepared for it. I quit drinking for days, weeks, months or even years just so I won't disappoint you. What happens? I don't know. I stay awake at night reliving it, trying to figure it out. How did it happen again? Why can't I see it coming? You say you are so angry at me? Yeah, I know how that feels. You can't hear it but nobody is yelling louder at me than I am yelling at myself. You say you are so scared for me? Buddy, join the crowd. I'm terrified. I'm terrified I might kill myself with this stuff. I'm terrified I might hurt you or someone else I love. I'm terrified I might hurt an innocent stranger. You say I'm just not trying hard enough. I know! I tell myself everyday if I just try a little harder I'll be able to lick this thing. I'll try rehab, if that doesn't work, I'll try AA, if that doesn't work…..I'll try. I can promise you I'll never quit trying.

Everything you are telling me, I already know, but I know you need to say them. But I really don't need to hear them. They are an endless litany in my head, my heart, my soul.

What I need you to say is you won't give up on me, then I'll be able to say back to you, "I won't give up on me either."


Kary May

Just out there doing my best today to keep the lines of communication open and thanking God for the delete button. It's such a handy device, now if I could just use it for some of the past days, weeks, months, even years of my life. lol

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