At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.------Meredith Gray "Gray's Anatomy"
Day 353 of Sobriety
Warning! If you are early in your sobriety, maybe you should not read this blog today.
I am sitting here on this Friday night waiting for the cap'n to get here. We have been apart for almost three months, except for one conjugal weekend, and tomorrow we are headed home to Colorado for the Labor Day weekend.
I am sitting here having wistful thoughts. I am thinking, if I were still drinking, I'd be soaking in a bubble bath with a cold glass of pinot grigio, or better yet, a strong Jack Daniels and diet Pepsi and I'd be bubbling over with anticipation at the thought of seeing the cap'n and the weekend in front of us.
If I were still drinking, I'd have fresh drinks in hand when the cap'n pulled up to the curb and we'd go sit out on the back step of this shitty little apartment and we'd watch the blue moon come up and we'd talk and talk and talk about our summer and our plans for Mexico. We'd refill our glasses and we'd put on some music, probably some John Denver, and we'd dream and laugh and probably dance a little under that blue moon.
If I were still drinking, we'd get up in the morning, we'd most assuredly be hungover, but we'd have a bloody Mary or a glass of wine and we'd head to Colorado where we would spend the days drinking cold beer on the deck, or fixing hearty pots of chili or stew while sipping red wine, and we'd build a big fire in the pit every night and sit out and watch the stars come out. And we'd drink, and sing, and laugh and dream some more.
Now this is the part where I'm supposed to tell you that I can still do all that without drinking and it will still be as much fun, but we all know that is so much bullshit. The cold hard fact is that somethings are not as much fun without alcohol. Whether it's "real" fun or whether it's as "meaningful" doesn't matter a tinker's dam, it's not the same.
I miss that fun.
Tonight all the sad truths I know about me and drinking are little comfort and all the blessings I've been granted in my sobriety seem a little pale in the light of that big blue moon, but they are enough. And even though part of me wants to play Russian roulette with the bottle again, I won't.
Because I know if I were still drinking, that sooner or later that bullet would click into the intended chamber and I would finally have to pay the penalty for playing.
And I still want to see what's waiting for me down this road I've chosen.
But once in a Blue Moon, I still miss it.
God Kary that was beautiful.
ReplyDeleteYou know this is exactly where I was at a couple of weeks ago .. and you are a couple of weeks behind me - right? I think it's a final blip before we hit 1 year. Those rose-tinted glasses have found their way onto your face and all the fun! free! crazy! great! things about booze are making you feel sad. Don't forget the misery, the determination, the self-loathing, the sick feelings and the wasted time. Now go make a huge jug of fresh ginger beer full of mint and icecubes and some yummy treaty nibbles and wait for you man to get back and have a lovely real time with him. And when you wake up in the morning have a really tasty virgin bloody mary with celery sticking out of the glass and loads of tabasco sauce. I just do not believe that all that you describe can't be done sober. All of it. Dancing, laughing, dreaming, all of it. Anyway, for us, that's the only choice we've got. xxx
ReplyDeleteOh Kary...our lives are so similar. I too am sad from time to time because the alcohol provided so many wonderfully intimate times with the hubs. I've traded those times for ensured whispered secrets from my kids, evenings remembered, and showing up and being present in my own life. I think I've made a good trade.
ReplyDeleteI think you have too. Bravo for riding this one out. It's a real toughie.
Sherry
Sorry Mrs. D and Kary...I'm at about 21 months sober and this probably isn't your "one final blip"... There are still blue moons here, ladies--at least for me.
ReplyDeleteI still sometimes miss the fun part of drinking. (I never miss those sweaty, heart-pounding 3:00 a.m. self-loathing fests.) What helps me, I think is to put it in perspective with other things I used to do and enjoy and can no longer do.
I miss holding my babies in my arms (now they're 19, 22 and 26) I miss running miles and miles on healthy knees, I miss college sometimes (that crazy dorm living with a bunch of other nuts), heck sometimes I miss being a little kid again with no greater responsibility than to keep track of my shoes so that when my dad whistles out the door to tell me to come home to supper I don't go in barefoot and let them know i ditched my shoes the second I was outside.
I miss lots of stuff I can't do anymore and I've decide to let that be okay. Life is all about change; we let somethings go and we let other things come into our lives. I try not to give my booze-blue-moon moments too much importance. I give them their wistful, melancholy due and then let them go on their way.
Group hug!
Lulu
I'm 13 months sober today and I sometimes miss the romance of the cold glass of wine but like you, I'm done playing Russian roulette. I don't miss the imagined romance as much as I miss the lost/undeveloped friendships, the invitations declined because alcohol wouldn't be served and the time simply lost to numbness. The scene you described with cap'n is so familiar! But for me, it never stayed lovely and innocent.
ReplyDelete