This blog is going to start out sounding like it's about praying and the rosary, and while part of it may be, that is not the main purpose of this post, so if you can just hang on through the first few paragraphs, I'll get to where I'm trying to go. I think.
It seems that I've had a lot of stuff that needs praying over lately. More stuff than usual? I don't know. Maybe it's just that I find it easier to turn to prayer these days. Finally worthy to ask for those times I need guidance through, finally unashamed. So much easier to ask when I'm contributing to a life I can call mine, instead of drowning and begging for salvation from a life held hostage by booze.
Over and over again
"Hey God, it's me again. Yeah, I fell down the well again. Could you throw me a rope? One more time."
As you all know, I'm partial to the rosary, but I struggle with it. More times than not, I find myself planning the evening dinner menu while passing the beads one by one through my fingers instead of concentrating on the Mysteries that I am supposed to be trying to discern.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace,
"Maybe I'll fix etouffee tonight,"
Oops!
The Lord is with Thee,
"I wonder if the celery is too limp, I probably need to go to the market."
Oops, again!
I'm sorry, Lord. Please help me to stay focused.
Hey, at least I was thinking of the Trinity since celery is part of the trinity of cajun cooking.
Anyway, when I saw Catholic Alcoholic recommend the book "Recovery Rosary: Reflections For Alcoholics and Addicts by Paul Sofranko I couldn't get over to the Kindle store fast enough to get it downloaded. I won't go into the contents of the book, except to say that it shows how closely the Mysteries of the Rosary correlate with the 12 steps of AA.
You all know, that I am not a member of AA, for whatever reasons I might have had in the beginning of this journey, but I have skimmed through parts of the Big Book a few times and I've heard enough from my fellow bloggers and message board members to get a pretty good comprehension of the program and its steps.
Here is what is interesting and just a little bit miraculous to me, I have been following the 12 Steps all along. Unknowingly, and unwittingly, walking along the same path that my friends in AA have trudged. Finding the truth in admitting powerlessness over alcohol, humility in service, direction by asking a Higher Power to show me the way.
How did I know to do this? I guess skeptics would say that I've brushed up against enough AA'ers that some of their beliefs were bound to rub off on me. But I know I wasn't following AA's doctrine, instead I had finally started listening to those persistent murmurings in my heart and head and soul that I had done my damnedest, (I did a pretty good job of it, too) to ignore for so long. Those quiet but insistent voices that said, "Stop, this is not the way to go. You know where you need to go. You know how to get there. You are strong enough." The same murmurings I'd been ignoring for years.
I'm not special, I'm not more intuitive than everybody else. There is a commonality in all of us. Everyone I've met in the message boards and blogs have the same psychic GPS, the same roadmap. The same one Bill W. had.
I also know, that all of us that are out there looking for the answers, already have them. They are there and our true selves know them. They are whispering to us, surely and consistently, a constant murmur under the clamoring, wheedling, desperate voice of alcohol. They speak the truth to all of us and we all hear them but we fight so hard to ignore them and believe the more seductive tone of our abuser.
If every time you pick up a drink, an argument starts in your head, your heart and your soul, stop and listen. (Believe it or not, there
really are people out there that can pick up a drink without arguing
about whether they should have one, whether it is too early, or whether they
really should have "just one more". Pssst... They are not the people who are
reading this blog.)
Listen to the calm, sure, persistent murmuring, it is telling you the truth. Quit arguing with it. Listen. If you're going to ignore it, at least acknowledge it. If you are trying your damnedest to hear it but the bully's voice is drowning it out, get some reinforcements, go to a meeting, get on a message board and holler HELP in the subject line, or personally email someone. We know the messages that your heart carries because our heart carry the same ones. We'll back you up.
Oh, BTW, that persistent murmuring doesn't go away.
P.S. The same persistent murmuring told me to write this post even though I've already written one post this week about starting this journey, as have several of my bloggy friends. Sometimes we don't know why the voices in ourselves keep insisting, and we may never know. We just trust that they know what they're talking about.
Awwww, what a terrific post; timely, for this reader, as I injected my own applications for this season of Lent, a time of year you , a Catholic and I, a Lutheran mutually share.
ReplyDeleteThis is what came to mind reading here,, it is my belief that Satan is having his way in our world. We are increasingly getting busier and decreasing our amount of face-to-face quality time. Our schedules are jammed and a threat to have the latest this and that looms over us all.
I write that, because the way our busy world is today, we must make a concerted effort to create time for silence, meditation, prayer. If we do not do this, we'll miss the message. It was AA (and I am no longer an active member either) that taught me there are no coincidences - we must pay close attention to this as we find these messages when examinging those "chance" moments - really, there is deep meaning there.
Hey, I loved this post today
I can't agree with you more, amiga. I'm not sure that I'm always praying the correct way but I know it's helping. Sometimes it's all we can do, sometimes it's the most powerful thing we can do.
DeleteLove you and your skinny ass.
I love reading what you have to say. Your posts are always so insightful. I don't drink but my daughter does, though she is working on her sobriety. Your blogs help me to understand the thinking of someone who does and what goes on. When she and I try to talk about it, we often get into a fight. You have helped me understand from her point of view.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad it helps with your understanding of your daughter. It goes both ways, you know, us alcoholics don't understand you normies either and we don't understand why you can't understand us. We can't fathom that alcohol can be insignificant in a life, that it doesn't take all of someones resolve and willpower not to drink, that some people have days and nights when the thought of drinking doesn't cross their mind and if it does, it doesn't take center stage. Tell your daughter she can get to a place where alcohol does not wield all the power, she can get her power back, she really can.
DeleteWhat a terrific post. I'm glad your persistent murmuring had you write it and am glad you found the blog and the Rosary book. I totally get what you say about already having the steps, because they're parallel to everything we've been taught in the Church. As for AA, the reason I find it "works" for me is the fellowship of other women alcoholics. Like on these blogs and boards it helps to hear from others on this same journey. The fellowship was the LAST thing I wanted of AA. But that's what God showed me this independent spirit needed. Yay us! One day at a time and I love tour blog!!
ReplyDeleteoooops i put the wrong profile. I always mess up when commenting on non-wordpress sites. Have a great and thanks again! Regina
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by Regina, I've really been enjoying your blog. I loved the St. Theresa Meditation and have it saved to my favorites. Thank your mom for me.
ReplyDeletehttp://catholicalcoholic.com/2013/01/02/mother-theresas-meditation-i-thirst/
What a beautiful post...thank you for this. What struck me was what you spoke of regarding that voice we have...I call it Conscious Contact. It's the Spirit moving through me, guiding me. That intuition, if you will, has always been there, but as you so wonderfully describe, it is under the clamouring voice of alcohol. I think of it as a small voice that is boxed out be the white noise of alcoholism and ego.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for working with others and being of service...I can say that it works for me every time in terms of getting out of my own head. Being of service to others also helps me, as I gain humility and feel more connected to others. For once, I am not thinking of me...selfishness and self-centeredness were what drove me in the past. To do so again brings me down the wrong path.
What you've said resonates with me very much. It was a pleasure to read, and whether AA or not, we practice these spiritual principles and that takes us further from the drink.
Blessings,
Paul
Thanks for dropping in, Paul. I frequent a couple of message boards and when I hear someone say, "What am I going to do with my time?" or "I'm bored," I just roll my eyes. They are also very quick to give all kinds of reasons why they can't volunteer, not enough time, too many responsibilities, kids, spouse...yet they are still finding time to drink.
ReplyDeleteDon't get me wrong, I was that person and I remember how it was. What I didn't know was that once the booze cleared out of my bloodstream, the fog lifted from my brain, and the chains loosened on my spirit I would find a gratitude that I had to give back, it was too big for me to hold on to.