Monday, February 18, 2013
This blog is going to start out sounding like it's about praying and the rosary, and while part of it may be, that is not the main purpose of this post, so if you can just hang on through the first few paragraphs, I'll get to where I'm trying to go. I think.
It seems that I've had a lot of stuff that needs praying over lately. More stuff than usual? I don't know. Maybe it's just that I find it easier to turn to prayer these days. Finally worthy to ask for those times I need guidance through, finally unashamed. So much easier to ask when I'm contributing to a life I can call mine, instead of drowning and begging for salvation from a life held hostage by booze.
Over and over again
"Hey God, it's me again. Yeah, I fell down the well again. Could you throw me a rope? One more time."
As you all know, I'm partial to the rosary, but I struggle with it. More times than not, I find myself planning the evening dinner menu while passing the beads one by one through my fingers instead of concentrating on the Mysteries that I am supposed to be trying to discern.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace,
"Maybe I'll fix etouffee tonight,"
The Lord is with Thee,
"I wonder if the celery is too limp, I probably need to go to the market."
I'm sorry, Lord. Please help me to stay focused.
Hey, at least I was thinking of the Trinity since celery is part of the trinity of cajun cooking.
Anyway, when I saw Catholic Alcoholic recommend the book "Recovery Rosary: Reflections For Alcoholics and Addicts by Paul Sofranko I couldn't get over to the Kindle store fast enough to get it downloaded. I won't go into the contents of the book, except to say that it shows how closely the Mysteries of the Rosary correlate with the 12 steps of AA.
You all know, that I am not a member of AA, for whatever reasons I might have had in the beginning of this journey, but I have skimmed through parts of the Big Book a few times and I've heard enough from my fellow bloggers and message board members to get a pretty good comprehension of the program and its steps.
Here is what is interesting and just a little bit miraculous to me, I have been following the 12 Steps all along. Unknowingly, and unwittingly, walking along the same path that my friends in AA have trudged. Finding the truth in admitting powerlessness over alcohol, humility in service, direction by asking a Higher Power to show me the way.
How did I know to do this? I guess skeptics would say that I've brushed up against enough AA'ers that some of their beliefs were bound to rub off on me. But I know I wasn't following AA's doctrine, instead I had finally started listening to those persistent murmurings in my heart and head and soul that I had done my damnedest, (I did a pretty good job of it, too) to ignore for so long. Those quiet but insistent voices that said, "Stop, this is not the way to go. You know where you need to go. You know how to get there. You are strong enough." The same murmurings I'd been ignoring for years.
I'm not special, I'm not more intuitive than everybody else. There is a commonality in all of us. Everyone I've met in the message boards and blogs have the same psychic GPS, the same roadmap. The same one Bill W. had.
I also know, that all of us that are out there looking for the answers, already have them. They are there and our true selves know them. They are whispering to us, surely and consistently, a constant murmur under the clamoring, wheedling, desperate voice of alcohol. They speak the truth to all of us and we all hear them but we fight so hard to ignore them and believe the more seductive tone of our abuser.
If every time you pick up a drink, an argument starts in your head, your heart and your soul, stop and listen. (Believe it or not, there really are people out there that can pick up a drink without arguing about whether they should have one, whether it is too early, or whether they really should have "just one more". Pssst... They are not the people who are reading this blog.)
Listen to the calm, sure, persistent murmuring, it is telling you the truth. Quit arguing with it. Listen. If you're going to ignore it, at least acknowledge it. If you are trying your damnedest to hear it but the bully's voice is drowning it out, get some reinforcements, go to a meeting, get on a message board and holler HELP in the subject line, or personally email someone. We know the messages that your heart carries because our heart carry the same ones. We'll back you up.
Oh, BTW, that persistent murmuring doesn't go away.
P.S. The same persistent murmuring told me to write this post even though I've already written one post this week about starting this journey, as have several of my bloggy friends. Sometimes we don't know why the voices in ourselves keep insisting, and we may never know. We just trust that they know what they're talking about.