Not Feeling It

 501 Days Today. I skipped right over the 500 mark without fanfare or even recall.

Oh well!

It's been a horrible, fucking two weeks.  But I feel fucking horrible for writing that because I am so ungrateful.  So now I'll sit here and list off in my mind all the good things I have, and they are many, and I'll try to convince myself that they are enough.

I am obsessed. I am unreasonable. I am intolerant. I'm never happy.  That's what I hear and that's what I, in turn, tell myself.

But I'm not feeling it.

All I'm feeling is unhappy.

I wrote a response on the Moderation Management board the other day to someone's objection to the statement about being powerless over alcohol, it's coming back and laughing in my face:

I guess it's like being in a bad marriage or other bad relationship, you know that if you stay in that relationship nothing is going to change, you are powerless to change it. You've tried everything you possibly can. You've tried to change the other person or thing, you've tried to change yourself. You've tried to control him/her/ it, you've tried to control how you react to him/her/it. He/she/it convinces you that you are worthless, you think you can't live without him, her, it. You've left it, but you've come back and things are good for awhile but then it's right back to where it was, or worst.

As long as you're in that abusive, demeaning relationship where the other person or thing has control over you, it just keeps beating you down until you surrender and let the other person or thing (alcohol) do whatever it's going to do to you.

Or you leave.

That's the only power you have over it.

Being in love with someone that is still caught up in that relationship with booze has the same collateral fallout.

Something's gotta give and it's not going to be me.

So...same old story, same old song, time to write a new verse or chapter.

P.S. Sorry, I know ya'll are tired of hearing about this.